This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Monday, 13 November 2017

Eccles just can't be bothered

There are too many villains, idiots and heretics in the world, and how can I possibly keep up? Perhaps I should have a month or two off blogging, and let the world continue to satirize itself.

Rupa Huq

The dreaded Huq the Rupa.

In Victorian London, many innocent boys and girls were slaughtered on a daily basis. In an attempt to stop the flow of little corpses, men and women would aggressively pray outside abortion clinics, using the offensive words "Hail Mary, full of grace...", and desperately trying to save innocent lives.

But London was a dangerous place to pray, and in those foggy streets, people dreaded the sinister tread-tread-tread that denoted the approach of Huq the Rupa...

Blase Cupich

The USA's captain for the "Silliest Cardinal" World Cup hits a server with his crozier.

With their sacking of Fr Weinandy, for the offence of being confused by Pope Francis and scandalized by his bishops (isn't everyone?), the USCCB made it clear that they were expecting to field a strong team for the "Silliest Cardinal" World Cup.

Captain of a team that includes Farrell, Tobin, Wuerl and Dolan, Cardinal Blase expects his boys to meet some tough opponents, such as Rhino Marx's Germans, the Belgians, the Italians, and the Maltese. "But we'll show them that we can distort Catholic teaching with the best of them!" said the cardinal defiantly.

Simon Jenkins

Let's consign Simon Jenkins to history.

The churches, the British Legion, and in fact most decent people, have decided that now is the time to consign to history "Sir" Simon Jenkins, writer of tedious and badly wrong Guardian articles.

"Sir Simon was essentially a 20th century phenomenon," said one commentator. "His views never did make much sense, but now that he apparently believes that we should drop Remembrance Day, it is really time to send him off to the Dunrantin Retirement Home for Potty Journalists."

Sir Simon today was unrepentant. "Since we have had no wars anywhere in the world since 1945 - well I haven't seen any in my agreeable mansions, apart from when my first wife left - it is clear that there is nothing to remember any longer. As I always say on November 11th 'Let me forget!'"

Salman Rushdie

Sorry, Salman, the game's up. Go and read a good book instead.

Next, the third Global Atheist Convention, planned for Melbourne in 2018, has been cancelled for lack of interest. It looked like being a real humdinger of an event with Salman Rushdie (gosh, is he still alive?) talking about the book he wants to sell, and Richard Dawkins (yes, we know he's alive) talking about, er, the book he wants to sell. And with everyone trying to avoid mentioning God.

When the news was broken to Professor Dawkins, he said "It's all over with atheism. And I was hoping to stock up on duty-free honey. But Bin Laden has won."

Kate Bottley

And finally, the CofE approves of little girls pretending to be boys.


  1. Credit where it’s due, Simon Jenkins makes one or two good points in there, though they’re almost hidden by all the cotton wool. This one, frinstance:

    This week, the BBC has remembered Russia’s October revolution as the overthrow of a tsarist tyranny. That centenary was in February. October was a coup against an incipient democracy by a communist dictator.

    BTW, it’s nice to hear from you again, Eccles. It’s been a long time!

    1. I know...two weeks without Eccles is an eternity in these confused times.

  2. I hope you enjoyed your break. But your readers did not! To whom can we turn for enlightenment when you are lounging about? I do appreciate your need for restoring rest but I hope you've had enough now for several years and that you will get back to work.

    From a fond fan in the wild west.

  3. Here's the view from my place this evening :

    It does look suspiciously like a scene from Lord of the World or a vision of Blessed Anne Catherine Emmerich ...