ASK FATHER: I utterly reject the Church so how can I remain Pope?

From a reader (J.B.):

QUAERITUR: The Catholic Church is really getting me down. There are so many people who spurn my new initiatives (abandoning the Chinese, introducing the worship of Pachamama, tinkering with the catechism, appointing crazed loonies to the college of cardinals, cosying up to James Martin, dropping the notion of adultery...)

Also, the fraud squad, drugs squad, and vice squad are closing in on all my best mates in Rome. How can I possibly remain Pope? I am seriously thinking of converting to the Anglican church, where nobody would care two hoots about such things.

"Hmm, I wonder whether Fr E can help?"

Father E responds.

There are several options open to you, where you make slight adjustments in your job conditions. For example, you could declare yourself an antipope and move to Avignon, which has a nice bridge on which people dance and throw idols into the Rhone. Or you could imitate your predecessor Benedict XVI and take early retirement, setting yourself up as a Pope Emeritus with no duties apart from praying and drinking beer. Or perhaps you could stay on as bishop of Rome, and let someone else be Pope.

These seats reserved for Popes Emeriti.

Remember that whereas you are Infallible (but please don't put this to the test!) the Church is Impossible - or at least most of its members are. So don't panic.

You are not totally without friends, you know. There is dear little Austen Ivereigh, the writer of best-selling fiction; Massimo Faggioli, the world's top theologian; Spadaro loves you; and there are others. They want you to continue the reform of the Catholic Church, so that it ends up totally unrecognisable.

"We're giving away a free Pachamama idol with every copy of my book!"

You mustn't be demoralised by the sound of idols splashing into the river, cries of "Hello hello hello, Mr Becciu, could you accompany me to the police station, please?" or silly blogs making jokes about Amoris Laetitia. You could hold out for a few more years yet.

Another thing you could try doing is praying. That's the bit where you kneel down, try and look holy, and think about what you're going to have for dinner. Some people also use it as a way of contacting God, but I don't want to put too much pressure on you at this stage.

Oh, and I did I mention the two routes to salvation? (1) Go to Confession. (2) Buy Mystic Monk Coffee!

Father E.

"Possession of giant killer bees is sinful," says Pope

Following Pope Francis's comments that the possession of nuclear missiles is sinful, Catholics have rushed to destroy any that they might have at home, beating their swords into ploughshares, and their warheads into highly radioactive idols of Pachamama.

Furthermore, Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin, Boris Johnson, Xi Jinping and other world leaders have promised to decommission their nuclear weapons as soon as possible.

The Death Star - unlikely to make it into the catechism.

Said Boris, "Crikey! It's a good job that we're still allowed to use laser death rays, 'Satan bug' killer viruses, deadly nerve gas, and cyanide in the water supply. Otherwise those Russian and Chinese chappies would be all over us!"

It is not clear exactly what the wording of the catechism will be. Possibly the change will be preceded by an apostolic exhortation Armorum Laetitia - the joy of weapons - in which an obscure footnote will explain that those living in sin with nuclear weapons will still be admitted to communion after a process of accompaniment.

A new threat to mankind?

Meanwhile, the Pope is now turning his attention to Giant Killer Bees, which are already banned by the Geneva convention. It would be unthinkable to proscribe nuclear weapons in the catechism, while still allowing such deadly creatures to wipe out the free world (or even the non-free world, for that matter).

Pope Francis of course has no need of weapons of mass destruction. When he took over the Sovereign Order of Malta, it was a bloodless coup, and although Fra' Matthew Festing, in retirement, checks his bed every night for giant spiders, he has so far found none.

Beware the giant killer spidero!

Justin Welby explains buffer zones

"Hi! I'm Justin, Archbishop of Canterbury, and the rightful heir of St Peter (we try not to mention Henry VIII). I've been asked my opinion about buffer zones!

Well, at first I misunderstood. I thought they were referring to zones where old buffers like me could sit and relax, untroubled by my neighbours praying! In the Anglican Church we call them cathedrals, and they usually have a crazy golf course or helter-skelter to help bring in the customers!

But, no, it actually refers to buffer zones round abortion clinics. My dear friend Juq the Ruppa (memo: check name) is a great fan of these, especially in Ealing, and she certainly doesn't want to see people praying!"

"You could say they're doing the wrong thing, you could say they’re doing the right thing, you can say it's their right, you can say that the baby has rights ... uh..."

What Welby really said, script written by his assistant Rev. Enid Waffle.

Political leaders welcomed Welby's views. "You wouldn't think he was one of those God-botherers, would you?" said a prominent Labour MP, K. Herod. His own party has decided to decriminalise all abortions, and is now looking seriously at allowing the possibility of killing all children up to the age of 6, after which they will of course have the vote.

"No, he's very enlightened," agreed E. Nero, a Liberal Democrat MP. "Welby's the sort of sound man that would be welcome in our party, unlike those Christians we chucked out." His party is looking into the possibility of making pregnancy illegal, and - being liberal - only killing children up to the age of 4.

These views of Archbishop Welby may lead to an ecumenical crisis, as Catholics (even Vincent Nichols) are unlikely to participate in ceremonies to bless abortion clinics. However, when did you last hear a Catholic priest - far less, a bishop - denounce abortion from the pulpit? As St Stephen put it: "Hey, guys, I was only joking when I said I believed in Christ. Put those stones down!"

Francis: We've dropped the adultery and idolatry commandments. That's as far as we can go now.
Welby: Hold my beer!

Chick-fil-A starts donating to the Catholic Church

Following pressure from LGBT activists, who have forced their first ever British restaurant (in Reading) to close, Chick-fil-A have surrendered further, and will no longer be giving money to the "anti-gay" Salvation Army and Fellowship of Christian Athletes.

However, all is not lost, as in looking around for other Christian organizations that could be worth their support, and which might be found less offensive by the Gay Mafia, Chick-fil-A have stumbled across the Catholic Church.

A top LGBT activist and part-time priest shares a joke with Pope Francis.

"We don't know much about this organization," said their Managing Director, Mr Jack Chick (memo: check this), "because apparently their top man tells them to keep quiet and under no circumstances try to convert people. Still, we see that in the U.S.A. they are very hot on gay rights, and this should please the gay Mafia chaps."

Said Algy Beattie, an activist in the GLAAD Pride Mafia, "This seems like a good choice to us. We have excellent relations with Sweetie Cupich, Nighty-Night Tobin, and James Martin LGBTSJ the famous bridge-builder and organizer of LGBT retreats (know what I mean?) They have assured us that the bits in the Bible condemning homosexual acts are never read out in church these days, and certainly never preached on. Also that fat chap in New York, the Grandmaster of the St Patrick Pride March who hates Fulton Sheen. He backs us too."

And are the English bishops doing their bit for gay rights, and fighting the battle against bigots, such as the now totally discredited St Paul? Of course they are: many dioceses now have LGBT Pride Masses: Clifton, Salford, Northampton, Nottingham, ... the list is fairly predictable really. It is expected that they will insist on Chick-fil-A providing the catering for their regular LGBT activities. That should keep the gay Mafia happy! Well done, lads!

Salford. Inevitably.

New eco-friendly catechism

Plastic

92357 Basing itself on Sacred Scripture, which presents the use of plastic as an act of grave depravity, tradition has always declared that "plastic is intrinsically disordered." It is contrary to the natural law. It does not proceed from a genuine love of Mother Nature as shown to us through Pachamama. Under no circumstances can it be approved.

92358 The inclination to use plastic is objectively disordered, but the number of men and women who feel such deep-seated urges is not negligible. They must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided. These persons are called to fulfill God's will in their lives and, if they are Christians, to unite to the sacrifice of the Lord's Cross the difficulties they may encounter from their condition.

92359 God in His mercy has provided for us Green Bins, in which to caste away all plastics that may prevent us from approaching Christian perfection. Although some of us are endowed with bins that are blue, or even rainbow-coloured, they too can be seen as blessings unto us.

92360 Many of us are also blessed with bins of another colour; for example, we may have a brown bin into which may be cast all that is biodegradable, that it may be return to Mother Earth as compost. To throw into our brown bin those gifts that are not worthy of it, such as plastics, wooden idols, and glass bottles, is morally inadmissible; wrongdoers must pray and fast, and may only receive forgiveness from a bishop.

© Pope Francis and Cardinal G. Thunberg

Cast away your sins, that ye may be forgiven!

Fr James Martin explains the Bible

Followers of Fr James Martin LGBTSJ have long admired his interpretations of the Bible ("Mary Magdalene was the Church", "Jesus learned from the Canaanite woman", "The Holy Spirit is female") and now at last his thoughts have been collected into a book, "BUILDING A FUDGE". We are pleased to be able to print some extracts here.

In fact the remaining 9 were off to an LGBT "retreat".

Let's look at the story of Noah's Ark in detail. God had decided to drown most of the human race, as they were guilty of homophobia, insensitivity of the needs of migrants, and a refusal to take part in the Ignatian Yoga sessions organized by Fr Noah SJ.

The interesting part of this story begins when the waters were receding, and Noah decided to send out a dove from the ark. We can see this dove as a refugee seeking a new life, and the first time it went out it came back, rejected, possibly because it was an LGBT dove. The next time, the dove returned with an olive leaf, showing that the olive tree community were trying to build bridges with it. Finally the dove did not return. And we all know what happened next: God set a rainbow in the sky to symbolise the fact that He approves of LGBT sex.

The LGBT message could hardly be clearer!

Let's move on a bit to the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in the Book of Daniel. Why were they thrown into the burning fiery furnace? Was it because they refused to serve the gods of Nebuchadnezzar and worship the golden image he set up? This doesn't sound very likely, does it? Would Pope Francis SJ throw Mr Alexander Tschugguel into a burning fiery furnace, just because he was disrespectful to the idol of Pachamama? Well, actually, he probably would, the Holy Father has quite a temper (trust me, I am a great friend of his). Still, in this case there was obviously more behind the story.

Jesuit scholars reckon that Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were probably leaders of the local LGBT community. The fact that God "built a bridge" towards them by sparing them from the intense fires simply proves my case. They were the marginalised, the despised, the rejected, but in the end they triumphed.

Incidentally, putting people into burning fiery furnaces has now been condemned by Pope Francis, as it produces harmful CO₂ emissions. See the new Catholic Catechism for details.

"When we come out we can sell our story to the National Catholic Reporter!"

Finally, a story from Maccabees. There were seven brothers, and they were threatened with tortures if they did not renounce their faith and eat pigs' flesh, which was against their traditional teaching. Quite a tough assignment, similar to the persecution I received when I was heckled in Baltimore! Still, the story has a happy ending, as they all agreed "These are my principles, but if you don't like them I have others" and tucked into bacon sandwiches.

Of course the Bible has an account that says that all seven were put to death in hideous agony (skin torn off, fried in a pan etc.) but this is almost certainly a translation error. When reading the Bible, always ignore the inconvenient bits. That's what I do!

"It was all a misunderstanding!" The seven brothers celebrate.

Ten years on - Pope Cupich on Inculturation

Inculturation: A two-way street

November 9th, 2029

As all Catholics will know, following the conclave in which I was elected Pope, and took the title Pope Francis II (thanks, Austen!) we decided to hold a Nile Synod, to celebrate the beliefs of ancient Egypt and see how they could be integrated into the Catholic faith.

But an incident occurred that outraged many people. Early one morning, two people removed from the Church of St. Mary in Traspontina statues that were used in the opening ceremonies of the synod - and threw them into the Tiber River.

Vandals thought this idol was inappropriate in a church!

The artwork from Egypt represented the god Set, or Sutekh, the god of chaos, fire, deserts, trickery, storms, envy, disorder, and violence, who symbolised for the indigenous people the bond that humanity has with "Mother Hell", and her high priest, who is variously known as Satan, Pluto, Hades, Orcus, Sauron, Osiris, Mictlantecuhtli, and Ivereigh. As Cardinal James Martin has pointed out, we must build bridges with Hell, and attempt to cross them.

St John Henry Newman, canonized ten years ago now, pointed out that the Church has always incorporated pagan elements into its traditions. "Employing slave labour (nowadays known as altar servers), burying its rulers in splendid pyramids, torturing people under the Inquisition, all are of pagan origin, and sanctified by their adoption into the church."

The Humble Tomb of Pope Francis I. The sphinx represents the unanswered riddle of the Dubia.

Let's admit that the statues originate from a religious culture that is pre-Christian or considered "pagan." What is the church’s approach as it engages such cultures? Should we regard them as "primitive", "evil", or "heathen"? Or should we learn from them and absorb them into our own worship of Whoever-it-is?

During my years serving as the bishop in western South Dakota, I learned a great deal from the Lakota people. Their habit of doing war dances, scalping their enemies, and firing arrows into passers-by brought a cultural enrichment to my life, and a better understanding of Catholic teaching. These Lakotans understand time and eternity much better than we do - or at least, much better than I do.

Our tradition and my own experiences have taught me that our approach to other cultures always must be done with humility, but also curiosity. A passage from the book of Matthew springs to mind here: "Flee to Egypt, and stay there until I bring you word." Enough said!

Pope Francis II (and no jokes about my being in de Nile!)

Winner of the World Cup of Bad Cardinals 2019.

The toxic tradition of the Latin Mass

An edited version of a National Catholic Reporter piece by Zita Ballinger Fletcher.

One culture within the Catholic Church needing major reform is that surrounding the practice of the Latin Mass.

A typical devotee of the Latin Mass.

Even the name reeks of dishonesty. Some people call it in the Tridentine Mass, but I looked in my Big Girl's Atlas of the World and there is no country called Tridentia. No, the language is definitely Latin. As far as I can ascertain, nobody used Latin at Mass until 2007. If speaking American was good enough for Columbus, it's good enough for me!

I come from a strong Catholic family. We used to go to Mass regularly - sometimes as much as twice a year - and of course we didn't use Latin. EVERYONE understands American provided that you speak loudly enough, and that includes God! If He exists, of course... Still I decided to attend one of these Extraordinarily Formal Masses, to see what the fuss was about.

It should be obvious to everyone that Latin was the language spoken by Nero, i.e., the language of oppression. It's no coincidence that Latin Mass devotees like to pull the wings off butterflies.*

*Probably.

Indeed, it's fair to say that Latin Mass congregations are all basically fascist, racist, and LITERALLY HITLER. They weren't actually wearing swastikas when I attended, but you could see that they probably would when nobody was looking. I heard a rumour that Trump goes to Latin Masses in secret, so there you are.

And, phew! It is so sexist. The men don't wear skirts and mantillas, but many of the women do! In an attempt to fit in, I bought a special rainbow mantilla from James Martin Enterprises, but I got some funny looks when I wore it. Also, for some reason black is the preferred colour, not a jolly scarlet. Except for the men...

I wanted to dress like this, but they advised me not to.

Now let me describe the service in detail. The priest didn't smile at me once, unlike my own priest Father Doris SJ (he's looking into the possibility of transitioning, and why not?). The Catholic fascist priest kept using a "liturgy" rather than providing the clowns and puppets that we expect in the modern Church. I clutched my Pachamama doll and sobbed.

Before I went to the Mass they told me that a rosary was a very popular accessory to carry. I thought they meant roses, so I brought in a huge bunch of chrysanthemums and waved it at the priest's back (he rudely refused to face me). It turns out they meant a dangerous-looking chain made of beads. I'll bet they use them for garrotting anyone who puts a foot wrong.

A rosary. Scary-looking, isn't it?

The people attending the Latin Mass kept referring to someone called Christ - unknown to me, although I am a good modern Catholic. They even had a prayer attributed to him, rather than some solid wisdom from the works of Pope Francis. My spiritual director told me later that Christ was an important figure in the pre-Vatican II Church, but his words were never recorded with a tape-recorder, so they could not be trusted.

Worst of all, the priest forgot to anounce the Hug of Peace in the Mass. I went up to him while he was gabbling away at the altar, nudged him, said, "You've forgotten the most important part of the service!" and gave him a cuddle. He said "Retro Satanas" which I think means "Hugs and kisses" and turned his back on me.

At this stage in the Mass, we usually have a liturgical dance. But everyone looked at me when I stood up and did the can-can while the priest was saying HOC EST something. Nobody joined in, although some did make face-palm gestures, so I suppose that may be the Tridentine equivalent.

A typical reaction to my liturgical can-can.

And what's all this Gregorian chant stuff? You can't dance to it, at least not something lively. Get Gregory to write something new, I say, or else ask Marty Haugen and his mates to oblige!

I went up to receive the Lord's Din-dins, as we call it in my usual Church. The priest refused to put it into my handbag so I could take it away, and insisted on cramming it into my mouth! Also, I was expected to kneel at an altar rail, installed specially as a symbol of hate and oppression, as must be obvious to all of us.

Anyway, I think I've said enough for you to realise that I found the whole Latin Mass oppressive, sexist, racist, homophobic, Nazi, culturally imperialistic, alt-right, clericalist, rigid, and limited to narrow-minded rituals. STOP IT AT ONCE, I SAY!