Sunday to become a monthly event

Following the news that the Catholic Herald is to become a monthly magazine rather than a weekly, the Catholic Church has announced that, from now on, Sunday will become a monthly event, rather than weekly.

Explained a Vatican spokesman, "We have also retranslated Exodus 20 (as we did for the Lord's Prayer), and the new version reads 29 or 30 days shalt thou sit at home sulking, or 27 or 28 if the month happeneth to be February, but the remaining day is the Sabbath of the Lord thy God. Now that people are locked down by the Coronavirus, it seemed insensitive to suggest that they were working. We have also removed the bit about manservants and maidservants, as only bishops have them these days."

"Hey guys, Mary Kenny is in the very first issue of the Catholic Herald!"

The reason for the Catholic Herald's switch to a monthly publication is not clear, except that it enables them to inflict less Ronald Rolheiser on readers who had really been asking for spiritual nourishment. Unfortunately, it also means a cut in words of wisdom from Fr Dominic Allain and Fr John Zuhlsdorf.

When the Coronavirus is simply a happy memory, the Catholic Church will continue to restrict itself to one Sunday a month. This is a change in the liturgical calendar that Annibale Bugsbunni and the other Vatican II pioneers could only dream of.

"We've won!"

The Sundays will be:

January 1st (Christmas);
February 1st (Candlemas);
March 1st (Ash Sunday) - Lent will be cut to 31 days (hoorah!);
April 1st (Easter);
May 1st (Tricost, formerly Pentecost);
June 1st (Ordinary Time);
July 1st (Very Ordinary Time);
August 1st (Summer Time and the Living is Easy);
September 1st (How much more of this is there Time);
October 1st (Phew, that's nearly over Time);
November 1st (All the unimportant Saints);
December 1st (Advent).

All liturgical colours will be changing too. Here is some inspiration.

The Vatican Congregation for the Rewriting of the Scriptures is currently working on a new translation of Genesis, which will prove that God took 30 days to create Heaven and Earth, not simply six. When challenged, Fr James Martin replied, "Well, YOU do it in six if you're so clever!"