This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Friday, 15 May 2020

Nobody expects the Congregation for Divine Worship!

The scene: the bishop's palace in Knoxville, Tennessee. Bishop Richard Stika is admiring himself in the mirror.

The door bursts open, and Cardinal Robert Sarah, Archbishop Arthur Roche, and Fr Corrado Maggioni enter.

Sarah: NOBODY EXPECTS THE CONGREGATION FOR DIVINE WORSHIP AND THE DISCIPLINE OF THE SACRAMENTS! Our main weapon is Silence.

Roche: And Cinnabons.

Sarah: All right, Silence and Cinnabons. Two main weapons. Corrado, read out the charges.

Sarah and Roche

The Guinea Inquisition.

Maggioni: Bishop Richard Stika, alias Sticky Ricky, you are charged with defying the CDW by insisting that people receive Communion in the hand, and stating that you will ban anyone who insists on receiving on the tongue.

Roche: Even though we have already stated that everyone has the right to receive on the tongue. Bites into a cinnabon.

Maggioni: You also published the following ludicrous instructions:

Before leaving your pew you will put on full protective gear, such as a suit of armour, a diver's suit, or a cyberman costume. You will walk at exactly 3.10686 m.p.h., maintaining a distance of 6 feet 7.402 inches, no more, no less, from your neighbour. Once at the distribution point, you will remove all your clothes, and shower for twenty minutes in an alcohol-based shower.

cybermen

Maintain social distancing!

Standing on the floor at the point marked X (or kneeling if you really insist), you will extend your arms and hands toward the priest or deacon, with the palm of your non-writing hand facing up and completely flat, supported by your writing hand. Those who are ambidextrous should use their feet.

After receiving, you will jump into the bath of boiling custard provided, and then, screaming in agony, put on your protective clothes and return to your seat.

How do you plead?

The door bursts open, and Cardinal Luis Ladaria Ferrer, Archbishop Giacomo Morandi, and Archbishop Charles Scicluna of the Congregation of the Doctrine of the Faith burst in.

Ladaria: NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!

Spanish Inquisition

Ladaria is on the case!

Roche: Hey, we were here first!

Ladaria: But we want to nail him for heresy. "Mass is not the worship of Jesus. We adore Jesus, but we worship the Father," for example.

Stika: You've all got it in for me. I blame Church Militant. They've been telling everyone what I said. Sobs.

9 comments:

  1. Typo in first Sarah line: should be our and not or

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  2. Eccles, I am afraid that your proofreader has let you down. No American, bishop or otherwise, would speak about 'armour' or 'neighbour'; but about 'armor' and 'neighbor'.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, it was transcribed into British English. Otherwise there would be a sprinkling of "y'all", "awesome", "babe" and "gee shucks" in the document.

      Delete
  3. "Ladaria: But we want to nail him for heresy. "Mass is not the worship of Jesus. We adore Jesus, but we worship the Father," for example."

    Blimey, did Strika actually say that !!??

    It is **exactly** the Arian Heresy !!

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  4. You forgot the last stage direction: "Bishop Rick: (Switches Twitter to locked)"

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  5. And indeed the Mother of God does not expect the Spanish stalinist Cheka at the doors of Valencia cathedral, telling her to go back inside. It has not made the news outside this region, but the Cardinal Archbishop of Valencia Antonio Cañizares has been fighting a battle against all the Marxist-Leninist demons of hell for simply moving the sacred image of Our Lady to the door of the cathedral so she could bless the city (while being prevented this year from being venerated in her normal street perambulations.) For this Cardinal Cañizares has been condemned by the city's authority for citizens' safety! Beware Chinese-pangolin-bat-virus as a means to stamp down on Catholics! https://www.larazon.es/opinion/20200513/b4els5iparapdmcug7kyzvmhie.html

    ReplyDelete
  6. Meanwhile in France :

    https://img.lemde.fr/2020/05/17/333/0/3500/1750/664/0/75/0/8409868_GGGRP01_HEALTH-CORONAVIRUS-DRIVE-IN-MASS_0517_11.JPG

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  7. Gor blimey, stike a light, Cardinal Sarah!

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