This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Friday, 22 January 2021

How Eccles became a devout Catholic

After watching events on the other side of the Atlantic, I decided that it was time to look more holy. Obviously, being a devout Catholic is all a matter of public image, and has nothing to do with what you actually do. But some people don't realise this, so I got myself a Press Secretary.

Jennifer Psaki

Jenny Psarkasm, my press secretary.

Jenny's job is to tell the neighbours how devout I am. For example, I go to Mass sometimes; indeed, I have my own reserved pew, complete with cushions, a supply of gin, and other aids to sleeping. Also, I go to Mass sometimes. I don't actually believe any of that Catholic stuff, but - did I tell you? - I go to Mass sometimes.

It's true that I do like conducting human sacrifices in my garden, and some of the neighbours have objected to that. However, Jenny reminds them that I am a devout Catholic, and this smooths over any difficulties. By the way, I go to Mass sometimes.

Uncle Wilt says I am a great guy who would never think of posing outside a church with a Bible, like that wicked Mr Trump who used to own our house. In fact I do own a Bible - made by a company called Douay and Rheims - although I haven't got round to opening it yet!

Biden Bible

My Bible is wrapped in polythene, so that it doesn't burn my hands.

Anyway, I hope that reassures you that I am a devout Catholic. For further testimonials, ask Fr Jimbo, our local LGBT representative; or Poor Hoho, a local schoolteacher; or else Professor Beans from the College of Leguminous Catholicism, who has even written a book about me, "Eccles, the devout Catholic"!

By the way, my memory isn't all that good. Did I mention that I go to - you know - Thing, sometimes?


  1. Eccles, I'm very impressed with your new Press Secretary, Jenny Psarkasm. Let's hope she can help bring you back to Eccles basics, starting with correct Eccles savd spelling of 'devuot Cathlic' and maybe then moving on to looking at the differences between a decent Cathlic man who has given his life to service of the community and a demagogue with no religious sensibility or moral compass whose only ambition would be to 'grab her by the...' pet furry animal.

  2. Decent? You don't know the meaning of the word. He's a man devoted to abortion on demand at taxpayer expense.

  3. Equusasinus - now all Americans will have to pay for butchering innocent unborn children into tiny pieces (except for their body parts that will be sold) because the "Catholic man who has given his life to service of the community" (and who once called black children "roaches") believes in killing the children of that community. You call that "decent". That is not decency. That is evil. Besides, what do you care? You don't live in America. Take care of problems in your own country. Meanwhile, President Donald Trump was the most pro-life president America has ever had.

    Your "internal forum" is badly formed since obviously you adhere, not to the authority of God, but to the liberal agenda of Lucifer dealt out to the world by the mainstream media.

    Is your mind so weakened by...what? sin?...that you so easily fall in step with evil? Seems so. Maybe if you grabbed a pet furry animal it would do you good.

  4. Eccles, how is Bosco. I'll bet he's a Biden fan, although he NEVER goes to Mass.

  5. Cutler Worriers is not savd. Only I is savd.

  6. Dear Eccles:

    I, Jen Psarkasm, your newly hired press secretary, am circling back from doing temp duty for My Boy Biden.

    Although we must never meet, I feel certain I can enhance your saved status. Devoutness is a quality devoutly to be desired.

    To enhance your image, I have consulted with my Most Devout client, Jorge________.
    As an ecumenical gesture, he has graciously agreed to sell you one of his Amazonian diversity goddesses (@discount due to water damage).

    Since Boy Biden enthroned an identical goddess in the oval office, we’ve captured a plethora of preternatural photo-ops. Boy Biden briefly achieved semi-levitation on the stairs of Air Force 1, before bowing to his natural gravitas.

    While My Boy Biden must monopolize my time at present, the Kamala’s nose is under the tent.
    With Dr. Jill, Kam, & myself, we’ll have 3 Wymin in the White House... and with 4, you get Pelosi egg roll.

    Since Socialist clients pay slave wages, from time to time I’ll be circling back to my paying clients such as you, Bruvver Eccles, just to briefly update your devout saved status.

    From the Left,

    Jen Psarkasm