We hacked the Pope's e-mail account

Well, you'd have thought that the Pope would have chosen a more subtle password than "misericordia", wouldn't you? But we've managed to hack our way into his e-mail account, and we can now reveal some of his correspondence via Eccileaks.

From luigi@gammarelli.com

Dear Customer, we are pleased to inform you that the Napoleon costume you ordered is now available, so please make an appointment with us for a fitting. As you know, we normally sell only clerical vestments, but we were happy to make an exception in your case, Holy Father, given your take-over of the formerly Sovereign Order of Malta. However, we suggest you only wear the uniform on private occasions.

Pope Francis displays his new vestments.

From boris@foreignoffice.gov.uk

Cripes! Haven't you gone a bit far, old bean, taking over another sovereign state? Blimey, I know you Argies like to play silly whatsits once in a while, but this is a bit thick, what! If I hadn't got my hands full with Brenda, I mean Brexit, I'd probably have to consult old "wiggy" Trumpers about an airstrike or something. Do be careful, you silly nincom-pope! Pip-pip! Boris.

Pope Francis is given a book - by the author!

From festing@maltese.double-cross.org

You dirty rotten swine! The deal was that I would resign if you did: after all we were both rulers of independent sovereign states. How long are you going to keep me under house arrest, with that maniac Kasper making faces through the bars? Matt.

Fra' Matthew Festing is encouraged to resign as Grandmaster of the Knights of Malta.

From spadaro@vatican.com

Frankie, sweetie, I've managed to get hold of three more horses' heads. What do you say to putting them in the beds of Müller, Burke and Sarah? See you later, Catholic-hater, as we said at Jesuit seminary (in a while, Lutherophile!)

From judy.piranha@naughtynuns.org

Coo-eee, Holy Father!!??!! Don't worry if all the world hates you - I'll never desert you!!??!! The naughty nuns of Norwich are backing you to the hilt!!??!! Kiss kiss!!??!!

Judy Piranha - more catapult than the Pope.

From bigcheese@westminster-cathedral.org

Dear Holy Father, I tried to run the "Communion for everyone!" option past my fellow-bishops as you requested, but some of them seem to be Catholics - I blame that man Mennini - and so they dug in their heels. Anyway, since you're probably going to be retiring to Dunpopin' before long, I think I need to maintain healthy relations with whoever comes next. Cormac tells me that the St Gallen Mafia hasn't yet chosen your successor, but they're not likely to give us a Pope Francis II, more likely a Pius XIII. I can't imagine why - things are going so well, aren't they? Ram Ram (as we ecumenicals say!) Vin.

From mueller@vatican.com

Oops, I seem to have given some sort of answers to the dubia. How are we going to dig ourselves out of this hole? We need to talk. Gerhard.

Hackers set to reveal embarrassing list of names

Following the hacking of the Ashley Madison adultery website, and the embarrassment caused by the release of a large list of subscribers, it has been reported that the hackers (the so-called Impact Team) are now targeting the Tablet subscription list.

Diversity is more important than Christ, with JOY best of all.

Many otherwise faithful Catholics have been tempted by the idea of having a "good time" with the Tablet, perhaps even going so far as to read one of its articles online (after all, it is said that Christopher Howse is slightly saved). However, it is widely considered that taking out a subscription to the magazine, flirting directly with the writings of Clifford Longley and Tina Beattie, is unacceptable behaviour. It is said that in many an allegedly pious Catholic home, copies of the magazine are delivered in brown envelopes, and conversations such as the following take place:

Wife: Your copy of Catholic Babes in Custard has arrived, darling.
Husband: Er yes, thanks. (Thinks: Thank goodness she doesn't realise that it's really the Tablet!)
(Rushes off to admire Elena Curti's latest craziness.)

A less embarrassing alternative to the Tablet.

However, if the hackers succeed in their aims, then they will expose many apparently-orthodox Catholics to shame and ridicule, and this may even lead to the break-up of families. Still, the Impact Team are unrepentant, feeling that it is only right to expose double standards.

We will keep you informed of further developments. Rumours going round Eccleston Square suggest that the Tablet subscription list may contain the names of several prominent bishops and other high-profile Catholics. We do hope that this is not the case - the Church cannot afford such scandals.

Eccles is hacked.

I was sittin at de computter yesterday, planning de next bit of spiritaul nuorishment for my long-sufferin readers, viz. an in-depth analysis of de book 1 Kings for de Eccles Bibble project, when I noticed dat de pitchers on my blogg was all disappearin.

Wot is left when your pitchers has gone.

In de words of de Tridentine Mass Cui Bono? wot means "As a benefit to whom?" (Or, in de translatoin done by Mgr Bassil Loftus in the 1960s, "Whose is dem bones?" - I fink he was referrin to Ezekiel 37.)

So we has to look at all de usual suspects.

"Well, if you've all got alibis, we must look elsewhere..."

Reely, the fust on my list of suspects should be my dere Bruvver Bosco, wot is a saved pusson like me. He and I aint never seen eye-to-eye, which is odd as I often just echoes what he is sayin. However, Bosco aint got de technical know-how to hack a saved pusson's blogg: he once spent three weeks unable to logg on to his own blogg cos de CAPS LOCK key was on. He cuoldn't phone de technical support cos he mistook de TV channel changer for a mobile phone.

So it aint Bosco. Nor Anti Moly, whose laptopp aint workin since she threw it at Mgr X. Pell De Mons, de local Cathlic priest.

Bosco shares in his little bruvver's sorrows.

Could it be our dere friend Damain Thopmson, alias Captain Custard? A careless reeder of dis blogg might say dat he was bein mocked occasoinally; more careful reeders knows dat he is learnin a lot from my blogg, and his own little blogg is soundin more and more like a paroddy of mine.

Archbishop Nichols points de finger, but I fink he is wrong.

De fertile mind of Eccles thought a bit more about people who might not apprecaite his writins. Could dear old Richard Dakwins be exasperated by de Eccles Bibble Project, which is forcin him to read a book of de Bibble every week after havvin had it explaned to him by an expert? We is comin up to Sollomon, what was a wise (and slightly saved) pusson - maybe de Professor is scared dat he may be reveeled as not bein very wise himself?

Eccles, come clean now - is it wise to cut babies in half, or not?

Well de list of suspects is long, as dere is many wot doesnt luv poor Eccles. We can rule out Basil Loftus, Giles Fraser, and de staff of de Tablet, as dey aint viscous pussons, dey is kind and luvvin, even if dey is wrong on most fings.

Well, my fust break was when I found a biretta lying round de house. Can it be a clue?

Wot can dis mean?

To be continued...

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For dem wot cares, I is gonna repare de most recent blosts, and de most poppular, but de rest is gonna be like de Bibble, and have no pitchers.

Vanity of vanities, saith the Preacher, vanity of vanities; all is vanity. Eccles. 1:2.