Pope Francis to visit Oxford to celebrate atheism

October 2nd 2016 is the 10th anniversary of the publication of Richard Dawkins's learned theological tome The God Delusion, and, in a spirit of ecumenism, humility and mercy, Pope Francis has agreed to visit Oxford to engage in joint celebrations with the Dawkinsite ecclesial community.

Balliol College Oxford, where Dawkins first nailed his thesis to the chapel door.

Oxford is of course a sacred place to the Dawkinsites - for it was in 1967 that Richard Dawkins nailed his thesis Selective pecking in the domestic chick to the door of Balliol College Chapel (he was later told to remove it and hand it in to the Examination Schools like everyone else).

The "second reformation" started in 2006, with the publication of The God Delusion, and it is this - rather than Dawkins's breakthroughs in chick lit - that will give rise to the papal celebrations.

Dawkins conclusively proves that Rosary beads "don't work."

"...a vindictive bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser, a misogynistic, homophobic racist, an infanticidal, genocidal, phillicidal*, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully." These are the words of Professor Dawkins, referring to Almighty God, but Pope Francis sees them as a useful contribution to inter-faith dialogue. Likewise the Catholic Church's official view on Dawkins as "... a demented, ignorant, illogical, egotistical, bad-tempered, vain, arrogant, raving, ludicrous, fish-faced thug" is due to be interpreted in a more charitable and merciful way than hitherto.

*Not a real word, Richard.

The verdict of history will probably be that Dawkins is less of a threat to the Catholic Church than Martin Luther was - because he obviously hasn't a clue about religion - so it should be much easier for Pope Francis to find common ground with him. Thus, there will be an ecumenical Catholic-Dawkinsite service in New College, Oxford, the institution that currently puts up with Professor Dawkins, with Dawkinisites being invited to take Communion. Representatives of other religions will also attend.

Owing to a typing error, an invitation to the Chief Rabbi was sent to the wrong address.

P.S. Richard Dawkins has described Christianity as a bulwark against something worse (perhaps Islam, the religion that indirectly deprived him of a much-loved pot of honey). It is good to know that he doesn't always talk complete bulwarks.

Is the Church of England like ISIS?

There has been an angry debate between Joseph Shaw and Geoffrey Sales over the question whether the best way to understand ISIS is by studying the Church of England. As usual, it is left to Eccles to rule on this matter.

The dreaded CofE flag (to interpret this, reflect a little).

We do have some anecdotal evidence. Said Mrs Enid Shavius, 84, "I was sitting peacefully at home, when a dreadful man knocked on the door and said he was the 'vicar'. Before I knew where I was I was offering him a cup of tea and listening to his readings from the collected sermons of George Carey. When I woke up, he had disappeared, taking my ginger biscuits with him."

If you see this man, do not invite him in for tea.

Said another witness, Colonel John Vendimus, 76, "I was disgusted to see one of those Anglican women in the street, dressed in the sort of ridiculous costumes that they are encouraging them to wear these days. I didn't give my life in the Boer war to see women being degraded in that way."

Anglican women wearing a degrading and unbecoming costume.

Finally, Miss Maureen Latin-Mass, 55, complained that an aggressive woman came round to her house, demanding "something for our jumble sale - it's in aid of the Anglican Church's Mission to Seafarers". She had to give the woman an old scarf, a pot of turnip jam and an unwanted copy of The God Delusion before she would go away.

The Mission to Seafarers did well this year.

So there we have it - evidence that the Anglican Church has a policy of systematic extortion and repression. Just like ISIS, in fact.

Esther

Welcome back to the Eccles Bible Project, where we present the books of the Bible to atheists and other backsliders. Following on from Judith we now have, according to the Catholic and Orthodox listing, the book of Esther.

Richard Dawkins, you've read this book as part of your homework. Would you like to stand up and tell the class what it's all about?

Well, I've only read the first chapter and the last chapter, as that's enough for a clever man like me to work out what's going on. Indeed, if you look on my website you can read the first and last chapters of The God Delusion for free, and they hardly even mention God because I was thinking of something else at the time.

ACTUALLY, I'M NOT A DELUSION, RICHARD.

What? Stop plugging my book? Oh, all right. Esther it is, then. Incidentally, this book doesn't mention God either, so obviously it supports my atheist pericope that we're just a mass of little cells, and that God is a delusion. Now, the book of Esther starts off with a King Assuerus, who is said to have reigned from India to Ethiopia over a hundred and twenty-seven provinces: he holds a great feast, and after seven days of eating and drinking he calls for his wife Queen Vashti, but she refuses to come in.

King Assuerus / Ahasuerus / Xerxes / Artaxerxes enjoys a feast.

Actually, that sort of thing happens to me a lot too. After the seventh day of a feast at New College, Oxford, many a learned professor might ask his wife to come along and drive him home, but she might equally well have gone off in the Tardis in disgust. By the way, may I point out that Assuerus, or whatever you call him, almost certainly didn't exist? I'm a trained biologist and I know these things. Esther didn't exist, either. Or India. Or Ethiopia.

Now, the other chapter I've read, Esther 16, contains a letter sent out by Artaxerxes. It does mention Esther, but only briefly. He seems to be going on about some chap called Aman being disobedient, and the Jews being well-behaved. Basically nothing much happens in this book, and they're too ashamed even to mention Jesus or Mohammed. End of.

An 'appy ending: Aman is 'anged.

Thanks, Richard. I'll give you 2 out of 10 for effort there. You did miss a few details, in fact. There's a Jew called Mardochai / Mordecai who saves the king's life, there's a man called Aman / Haman who wants M. killed, and there's a Jewish woman called Esther who becomes a friend of the king and invites him to several dinners; in the end she contrives for Aman to be 'anged, er, hanged, on the gallows he built for Mardochai.

By the way the ``expanded" version of Esther's book does mention God, but this is not the version accepted by most Protestants. My brother Bosco, who thinks that God wrote the King James Bible and that all other versions are mistranslations of the KJV, would certainly not approve of it.

That's Life! Esther, Mordecai and Haman offer an oddly-shaped parsnip to King Assuerus.

So next time we'll discuss Job. He was a bundle of laughs and no mistake...

Pope Francis takes an aeroplane

Catholic commentators are expecting some special news today, as Pope Francis steps onto an Air Vatican flight to Milan. You can be sure that everything he says and does will be scrutinised very carefully - is he about to move the Catholic Church towards abortion, divorce and same-sex marriage? Or is he going to stick to Christianity?

A life-jacket demonstration or a liturgical abuse?

Well, this is very exciting. The Pope has put down his copy of The God Delusion, and is carefully watching the flight attendant demonstrate the use of the life-jackets. Liberal Catholics will surely interpret this attentiveness as a sign that the Holy Father wishes to make a point about the important role that ladies play in the church - surely the ordination of women cannot be far away?

On the other hand, the pope's nihil obstat to the life-jacket demonstration may also be seen as his way of expressing a traditional pro-life attitude.

Have you noticed that Pope Francis is sitting in seat 6A? Now Pope Benedict always used to sit in seat 8F, so that on take-off he had a good view of St Peter's Basilica. Traditionalists will worry that Francis is deliberately distancing himself from Benedict here by choosing to look at a humble power station on take-off.

Is the subliminal message: "I have the power now"?

Well, we've taken off, and the Pope has picked up The God Delusion again. He's laughing heartily at it, so we may see that as a sign that he is an orthodox Catholic, after all. Apparently, last time he flew he took God's Mother, Eve's Advocate with him, and had to make use of the sick-bag provided.

The flight attendant's coming round with the trolley now. She's offered Pope Francis a choice of drinks, and we can just hear what he's saying to her ex cathedra: "Coffee, please!" The use of "Coffee" here, rather than the Latin word Coffeum preferred by Pope Pius XII, will come as a shock to many - clearly Francis no longer thinks it appropriate to use Latin in a liturgical context. Has he repealed Summorum pontificum?

Well, after that bombshell, we must see what the Pope chooses to eat. A cheese sandwich or ham? Now there's another shock - he's rejected the Battista Ricotta cheese and chosen the ham instead. This is surely a sign that he means to take seriously those allegations of sexual misconduct at the Vatican Bank.

Battista Ricotta - rejected by the Pope.

We note that the Pope has been sitting quietly in his seat during the flight, with his seat-belt attached. Pope John-Paul II used to take his off, and kiss the floor of the aeroplane, but clearly Pope Francis's reign is going to be totally different.

Well, the captain has put on the "seat belts" sign now, and Pope Francis looks up from The God Delusion and smiles at the flight attendant as she takes his coffee cup away. Yes, there's clearly going to be movement on the ordination of women.

"Could you be quiet? I'm trying to read."

Well, that was a most eventful flight, and clearly a lot of commentators are interpreting the pope's words and deeds very carefully. Over at the Tablet they are quaffing champagne, feeling that the new pope is breaking with tradition, and that Catholicism is dead. At the other end of the spectrum, the good folk at Rorate Caeli are on the telephone to the Samaritans, feeling that the new pope is breaking with tradition, and that Catholicism is dead.

Religious leader talks about salvation

It has come as a great shock to many that Richard Dawkins, the Unholy Father or Chief Atheist, has broken an uncharacteristically long silence of approximately two hours in order to reveal ex cathedra that Damnation is not the exclusive preserve of atheists.

Richard Dawkins - voted the world's top drinker (H/T JabbaPapa).

Many people have misunderstood Dawkins's position on eschatology - they assumed, wrongly, that Damnation, Hell, Exclusion from God, Oblivion, The Lake of Fire, Scunthorpe (call it what you will) was the sole preserve of atheists, and that Christians would be left out. However, Dawkins has made it clear that Christians are also allowed to be evil, selfish, unrepentantly vindictive bastards, and so there is no reason to suppose that they will all be excluded.

Fr Green - definitely at risk.

We were wondering how to illustrate this post with a photo of a Christian who was definitely at risk of Damnation, and in the end we picked on Fr Green from the parish of Cluedo, who spends much of his time wandering round large mansions, sneaking into the billiard room, and hitting innocent parishioners over the head with lead piping. To our inexpert eyes, this sounds like the behaviour of an unsaved person, especially since he shows no signs of repentance.

But we should leave the last word with Professor Dawkins, biologist and amateur theologian, whose book The God Delusion is shortly to be made into a film with Tom Hanks playing the part of Dawkins. "The biggest problem I face at present is that I can never find two socks that match. Look, the variety of different socks in the world proves that they were created by evolution, and not by some sky-fairy creature. I'm damned if I know what to do about it."

Renowned Professor and beautiful Mrs Dawkins flee from a debate with William Lane Craig.

A tribute to Richard Dawkins

Last week saw the 72nd birthday of Professor Richard Dawkins, scientist, theologian and comedian; we are happy to reprint some tributes to the great man, which we found hidden away on http://www.richarddawkins.net/.

FACT: Dawkins shares his birthday with Fred Karno, inventor of the custard-pie gag.

Richard, I was a devout Catholic until the age of three, when my teddy-bear's head fell off. I prayed for it to be mended, but nothing happened. At that point I realised that God was an illusion, and that the Bible was a tissue of lies. Thank you for letting me share my pain with the world, so that no more three-year-olds suffer as I did. S. Fry.

Richard answers: Well, that sums up the whole fallacy of Christianity, doesn't it? Thank you for sharing those wise words with us.

Nancy Pelosi, a strong opponent of Catholic teaching, also shares Richard's birthday.

Dear Professor Dawkins, I just saw a bus go by with the message THERE'S PROBABLY NO GOD on it. Genius! I'll bet that Julian of Norwich and Thomas à Kempis never thought of that one! If only they'd known of your brilliant arguments, they'd never have wasted their lives as they did. P. Toynbee.

Richard answers: Yes, they tell me I am very good at presenting powerful slogans without any distracting attempts at justifying them!

And Pierre Boulez, another misunderstood genius.

Dear Mr Dawkins we read the God Delusion at school, and it is so clever when it says that bringing kids up as Catholics is like child abuse. Also when you talk of sky fairies and men in dresses I see just how stupid it is to believe in God. My teacher tells me that you are a very clever man who invented genes, and so I know that what you said must be true. A. Grayling (aged 9).

Richard answers: Yes, your teacher is right, I am a very clever man. Well done.

Leonard Nimoy, another cult figure, shares Richard's birthday.

Richard, will you stop wasting your time on that dreadful egotistical website. The chicken has escaped again, and K9 needs a walk. Love, Lalla.

Richard answers: Yes, dear, of course.

Also, William Hague, Foreign Secretary.

Infidel dog of a Dawkins, I hurl my shoes in your general direction. Unclean pig of an atheist, beware lest you suffer the death of a thousand cuts! Best regards, Abu McTavish.

Richard answers: Oh dear, have we been hacked again?

Genome Style Rap

For those who aren't familiar with rapping, the idea is to take a repetitive and rather trivial lyric and recite it to an even more repetitive and dull beat. An example which springs to mind is:

Lord, the light of your love is shining,
In the midst of the darkness, shining.
Jesus, light of the world, shine upon us,
Set us free by the truth you now bring us.

Got that? Then let's start, kiddos!

We're doing a rap in da Genome Style,
We're saying all Catholics are vile!

I left New College, and I went back home,
I wrote a book attacking Rome -
Now I'm dashing off another tome - 
Yo! Dudes, I'm called da Selfish Gene-Gnome!

Selfish gene! My pen is scribbling!
Selfish gene! My mouth is dribbling!

Now stretch those arms to left and right,
We're gonna be rappin all da night!

I was getting tired of biology,
So I thought I'd switch to theology -
I confused it with mythology -
But you aint gettin no apology.

We got Genome Style! I keep on screaming!
We got Genome Style! My head is steaming!

When you're getting old, just a little se-nile,
You gotta sit down to do da Genome Style!

As I was rapping round da Quad,
I thought of something rather odd -
I said "There prob'ly aint no God."
They told me: "You're a silly sod!"

Selfish gene! God's a delusion!
Selfish gene! That's my conclusion!

Tell your kids of Christ, that's child abuse.
Teach them Genome Style, that's much more use!

Then for many years I lived in hope,
Dat I was gonna arrest da Pope
And tie him up with a big big rope,
But dey all said "Dawkins is such a dope!"

Genome Style! Oh I'm misbehaving!
Genome Style! Don't tell me I'm raving!

Genome Style!

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 8

Continued from Chapter 7

1. So it came to pass that Richard produced the two great achievements of his life, by which he will be remembered by his children; yeah, also by his children's children.

2. But probably not by his children's children's children, who will certainly prefer The Very Hungry Caterpillar to The God Delusion, thus showing that an interest in zoology may be passed on with the genes, even if fanatical atheism may not.

A serious rival to "The God Delusion"

3. We shall speak of The Richard Dawkins Foundation in the next chapter, but now we must record Richard's achievements as a writer.

4. For the time had come for Richard to begin his greatest work. He took the top off his pen, meditated deeply for three hours, and then wrote a sentence that would strike terror into the hearts of all believers everywhere.

5. THE BIBLE DOES NOT EXIST.

6. But then Richard realised that this was too controversial, and he wrote down some alternative propositions.

7. For he said, "Well, maybe the Bible does exist. But it does not mention God. Nor does it mention Jesus. And the people who wrote the Gospels didn't exist. And Jesus did not say the words attributed to Him. Nobody did.

8. And Jesus was not born of Mary, but of someone else. The Magi did not bring gold, frankincense and myrrh; they brought toys, baby clothes, and a pushchair."

Much more useful than a pot of myrrh

9. And Richard continued to write his powerful refutation of religious thought. For he told the world, "Jesus was actually killed during the massacre of the innocents. Also, Jesus did not raise Lazarus from the dead. The man was 'just resting.' And Jesus drowned when He tried to walk on water.

10. Moreover, Jesus did not feed 5000 people, only 4721. It is well known that Jesus was never crucified, in fact He is alive and well and living in Jesus College, Oxford. Finally, when Jesus rose from the dead He found He couldn't move the stone, and decided to die again."

Moving stones like this isn't as easy as it looks.

11. And the people who read these powerful arguments said to themselves, "Why, even if only one of these statements is true, it is surely one in the eye for the Christians, and they will have to close down all the churches."

12. And then Richard learned of our Lord's summary of the Law. And he said "ROFL!"

13. Which, being translated, means, "I cannot love the Lord my God, as He does not exist. And I cannot love anyone as much as I love myself.

The Dawkins family motto

14. For which of my neighbours is worthy of my love? Dr Hahn, who works on the next chicken to me, down at the Zoology labs, he whose mobile ringtone goes 'Cluck cluck cluck,' which is driving me mad?

15. Or the Regius Professor of Topology and Escapology, my neighbour at New College, he who can turn his underwear inside-out without removing it from his body (and how I wish he wouldn't do it in public)? Or old Mrs Jagaroth, my neighbour in our Oxford suburb, she who complains when my wife Lalla throws a party for her old friends?"

A noisy party at Dawkins Abbey

16. So Richard's book was published to great acclaim. For some critics said, "Is it not worthy of a Nobel Prize for Literature? Or at least the Laurel and Hardy memorial prize for knockabout humour?"

17. However, the Oz Foundation awarded Richard their "Straw Man" prize, for they said "He presenteth straw man arguments, which would not convince anyone who had any brains."

"I've always found Richard's 'straw man' arguments very convincing."

Continued in Chapter 9

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 7

Continued from Chapter 6

1. And it came to pass that Richard went on a journey to Damascus, there to receive yet another honorary degree; for many people had said to him, "Surely, you cannot be Syria's?" and he was determined to prove them wrong.

This man cannot be Syria's.

2. And, as he drew near to Damascus, a light from heaven shone round about him. And falling on the ground, he heard a voice saying to him: Richard, Richard, why persecutest thou me?

3. And Richard spake unto the Lord saying, "My opinions come from my genes, and I may not control them."

4. And the Lord spake unto Richard, saying, But consider, O foolish man, that those whose opinions come from their jeans are often using the wrong organ to think with, and are thus known as 'dick heads.'

5. But Richard understood not the words of the Lord, and vowed to persecute Him even more in future.

Have you read My new book, Richard?

6. And so Richard began to think about writing an Epistle to the Delusions, wherein he might explain that he himself was the only god worthy of worship.

7. Meanwhile, there came an attack, known as 9/11, wherein many were killed.

8. And Richard said unto himself, "This is a perfect opportunity for me to tell the world that all organized religion preaches violence.

9. For is not the Pope preparing to kill us all with botulinus toxin? Do not the Baptists bite the heads off ferrets? Do not the Quakers regularly throw hand grenades through the windows of orphanages? And is not the Dalai Lama building a nuclear bomb?"

One false move and I press the red button. Then we'll all go up together!

10. And Richard explained to the world that all it needed was secularism, and everyone would live in peace and harmony, as they already did in China and North Korea.

11. Meanwhile, in Oxford, Richard continued to serve as a fellow of New College, and Professor for Public Understanding of Science.

12. And Simonyi spake unto him, saying, "Shall I change the title of thy chair to Professor for the Bashing of Religion?" But in the end this did not come to pass.

13. And in the sixth year of the new millennium there came to pass two events that changed the world; and we shall speak of them in more detail in the next chapter.

14. For the world saw the publication of Richard's Magnum Opus The God Delusion, and the creation of Richard's own church, the Richard Dawkins Foundation for Reason and Science.

15. And Richard said, "Let it not be said that the Christians and the Muslims have better vestments than us. It is good that the ministers of our church shall also wear special garments."

Dawkins Foundation Garments, modelled by lunatics

16. And it was so.

Continued in Chapter 8