Ricky Gervais slams the Vatican

The host of this year's Holy-wood "Golden Globes" award ceremony, Fr Richard Gervais, best known for his comedy show "The Holy Office", was taking no prisoners this week.

It was clear that he did not like any of the films or actors winning awards, and he did not hesitate to say so, accusing most of them of blasphemy and hypocrisy.

Fr Richard Gervais.

"Look at The Pachamama Synod," he said. "This has been nominated for numerous awards. The plot involves Catholics praising wooden idols, which are then thrown into the Tiber. But look at the wooden actors we had singing praises to the idols - not one of them would pass for a real Catholic. The producer missed a trick too - in real life it is the worshippers who would have been thrown into the river."

Wooden actors singing to a wooden idol.

"Another unbelievably bad film is The Two Popes," he added, "which stars old Joe Ratzinger and Jorge Bergoglio. We see this Benedict character voluntarily going into retirement, to spend his declining years in praying and drinking beer. Meanwhile, we are asked to believe that this implausible 'Francis' character is elected Pope and promptly proceeds to demolish the Ten Commandments, one by one. What a display of overacting from Jorge! No real pope has behaved like that in two thousand years!"

The famous endurance scene - which pope will stand up first?

"I hope that no awards are given to The China Syndrome," continued Fr Richard. "This is a film in which control of the Catholic Church in China is given over to a murderous dictatorial regime. The Chinese lock up Catholic priests, appoint their own, and rewrite the Nicene Creed so that it is all about that arch-villain Chairman Mao. The scene in which Pietro Parolin rolls on the ground and lets the Chinese tickle his tummy is totally disgusting. Jorge Bergoglio's cameo role slapping a Chinese pilgrim was also a highly inappropriate bit of comedy in what is supposed to be a serious film."

Spot the mistakes.

In the end it turned out that the only film that Fr Gervais has liked was The Fat Cardinals, in which two overweight prelates engage in Sumo wrestling. "Timmy Dolan and Rhino Marx were never very convincing when they were miscast in religious roles," he said. "Casting them as overweight lumps of lard was a stroke of genius."

Dolan and Marx get to grips!

Fr Richard repeated his condemnation of the hypocrisy of the cardinals present, who he said had been totally neglecting their roles as shepherds of the sheep. It is not thought that he will be invited to next year's ceremony, and maybe someone less controversial such as Carlo Maria Viganò will host it instead.

The martyrdom of Harambe the gorilla

The entire universe is naturally incensed this week after the shooting of Harambe the gorilla at Cincinnati Zoo, when he was believed to be a danger to a four-year-old boy known only as "the boy".

The Vatican is lit up in memory of Harambe.

Clearly it would have been more appropriate to have shot the boy instead (at four years, his termination could have passed for a very late-term abortion, and thus have offended nobody). However, in the end it was Harambe that was martyred, and so the campaign for his canonization is already starting.

Flashback to when Hans Kong employed gorilla tactics against the Catholic Church.

Naturally, Cardinal Ravasi has joined in the mourning with a moving tribute to Harambe, tweeting the words, "Ook, oook, ooook!" Fr Thomas Rosica is already blaming traditionalist zoo-keepers for his death, and Fr James Martin is preparing a moving homily where the death of Harambe is to be seen as a sign that God wishes for a liberalization of gay rights, the ordination of women, and the banning of the most recent translation of the liturgy.

Harambe: looked almost human, but was of course totally different.

Well, all that we need now is for Tony Blair to declare him "the people's gorilla". So may Harambe rest in peace, and let us have the Furry Requiem in his memory.

The Unbelievers

Learning from the excellent Protect the Pope site that Richard Dawkins's film The Unbelievers has been a total flop, grossing only $14,000 worldwide, this blog has decided to help Richard by providing some publicity for his work. Here are some of the highlights of the movie, a modern Gone with the Windbag, which puts God firmly in His place once and for all!

The hero, Richard, has an invisible rabbit, Harvey, as his best friend.

The movie is a subtle blend of comedy, drama and tragedy, as it recounts the story of a learned professor who is keen to promote science and reason. Any resemblance to other identifiable films is purely coincidental.

"There's probably no God." Richard goes "on the buses" but loses his selfish jeans.

The Unbelievers features many other leading thinkers of our time, such as Woody Allen, Cameron Diaz, Ricky Gervais and Eddie Izzard, as they pursue a spiritual journey away from God with hilarious consequences!

Romantic hero Woody Allen buys the complete works of Dawkins for Diane Keaton.

Faith-heads everywhere have been struck with terror, as Richard's dramatic story exposes the fact that all religions are false - stands to reason, doesn't it? - and that a humble biologist knows more than all the theologians who ever lived.

It's stopped! I knew I shouldn't have bought it from a blind watchmaker!

Life is not always straightforward for our hero; for example, thanks to direct intervention from Al-Qaeda, Richard's attempts to tour the world with a pot of honey are thwarted after an unsympathetic airport security officer confiscates it.

Kids, they shrunk my honey!

This film will make you, in turn, laugh, cry, sneeze, fall asleep, throw up, and jump out of the window. No wonder the Vatican refused to show it in their Pius X Cinema!

Ricky Gervais demonstrates the liturgical dancing that's so important in modern worship.

Well, a short article like this can only give a flavour of the film which - in the eyes of some commentators - is funnier than Titanic, more romantic than Psycho, and more philosophically profound than Jaws: it treats themes that even Snow White and the Seven Dwarves dared not discuss. You want to see it really, don't you? Don't you? Don't you?

He's BEHIND YOU, Richard!

2 Chronicles

Welcome back, class. I hope you are enjoying the Eccles Bible Project, as we work our way through the Bible, explaining it to beginners. Now today's book of the Bible contains more Jewish history, and duplicates a lot of what we've seen already, so last week I set you all some homework - read 2 Chronicles and write an essay on it.

Gervais! Put your feet down. And where's your essay, boy?

Ah, Dawkins, our star pupil. What's your essay about? Why Solomon wasn't as wise or as rich as what I am. Yes, that's just about on-topic. In 2 Chronicles we do get nine chapters about Solomon, building a temple, running a fleet of chariots bearing the message "THERE'S DEFINITELY A GOD. NOW STOP WORRYING - UNLESS YOU'RE AN ATHEIST," and getting rich from the royalties on his father's psalms. But your essay seems to be mostly about you, and why you should be King too. Could do better, lad.

Not really a useful guide to the 10th century BC.

Now, Fry, I know you once wrote a book called Moab is my washpot, which is a line taken from the psalms. However, when I read it, it seemed to be all about you rather than any of the people we're looking at today. So what is your essay entitled? Rehoboam or Jeroboam - which had the cutest boam? I've got a nasty feeling about this one. Let's move on.

Hari? You have an exclusive interview with King Asa of Judah, in which he tells you that he did that which was good and right in the eyes of the Lord his God? Splendid. We'll read that later.

The chaplin demonstrates a liturgical dance.

Oh yes, Marvin the paranoid deacon. You were sent here on a refresher course, I gather. Do stop spitting at your neighbours. So you've written something for us, explaining how the entire Bible was written by a sockpuppet of Eccles? And you have invented some characters in the style of your favourite newspaper, Viz? That's like the Tablet but a little more Catholic, right? Brilliant idea! Let's see what's on offer.

King Silly Man the not-so-wise. Who is it based on? A boy at school who borrowed your pencil 35 years ago and forgot to give it back? Crumbs, that's biting satire, well done. He'll be seeking counselling, I'm sure.

J. Whosa Fatty, the overweight king of Judah. Ha ha ha, brilliantly witty. Yes, it's true that a certain priest is a little overweight; I'm sure he'll recognise himself there. Yes, I know, isn't it terrible how priests look down on deacons? Well, on some deacons. Well, on you.

Neighbourhood-nurser and Baby Lon. Oh, you're killing me. A woman with a baby, whom you hate intensely because she has got more friends than you? That'll teach her to humiliate you!

Neighbourhood-nurser and Baby Lon (ho ho!)

Well, we'd better stop there. Next time we'll look at the book of Ezra, which may be a bit more spiritually nourishing.

Zany new BBC3 comedies

BBC3 has announced the production of a new situation comedy Way to go, which explores the hilarious, zany world of assisted suicide. Of this, Zai Bennett, Controller, BBC Three, says: "Bob Kushell’s scripts are in turn dark, poignant, absurd, moving and brilliant. But mostly they are very, very funny."

We asked what other programmes were in the BBC3 pipeline, and obtained some hilarious answers.

Seeing the lighter side of Jimmy Savile's crimes.

One "very, very funny" comedy that BBC3 is pleased to add to its portfolio is Lucky Jim, which explores the lighter side of child abuse. A BBC3 spokesman commented, "Our writer has come up with another brilliant comedy in the tradition of Swift, Wilde and Wodehouse; we see his main character, Jim, getting involved in a succession of hilarious sex romps!"

Another rib-tickling show that is sure to go down well is Yes, sir, that's my baby, set in an abortion clinic. This is guaranteed to provide "a laugh a minute!" Think of Fawlty Towers, but with the hotel replaced by a clinic, and with Basil replaced by a comic surgeon!

Ahoy there, Shipman!

We are also looking forward to Ahoy there, Shipman! and Go, West! in which the fun-filled murders of Harold Shipman and Fred West are recreated in a brilliant series of giggle-packed scripts, which will have you rolling in the aisles. We are hoping that the "alternative" comedian (the sort you don't expect to laugh at) Ricky Gervais will agree to take the part of Harold Shipman.

You'll also be chuckling at Mum, I'm starving!, which is another BBC3 flagship comedy, set in the West African famine. With a galaxy of guest stars appearing - and disappearing - every week!

Hans and Helmut.

Finally, BBC3 goes into comedy territory that has never been fully explored, as it broadcasts Arbeit Macht Frei, starring Hans and Helmut, two lovable concentration camp guards who seem to be having trouble with their gas chambers. It's described as "a brilliant double act worthy of the Two Ronnies!"

Yes, in these days of alternative comedy, it is now BBC3 that leads the world, bringing us hours of fun-filled viewing, as they encourage us to laugh at topics that were previously off-limits, and which might even have been found upsetting by sensitive viewers (ridiculous, eh?)