Love and fluffy bunnies

In which Eccles offends nobody.

This is me, Eccles (but without the red biretta).

A few of my recent posts have been a bit too satirical, and misunderstood by people who didn't really get the point - this misunderstanding being encouraged by some deliberate misrepresentation by various unsaved persons. So today I am going to impersonate a fluffy bunny, and show that I can love my enemies: I will offend nobody. After all, you never saw Christ mocking the Pharisees. Well, except in the Bible.

As a carrot in good standing, I wish to protest about fluffy bunnies.

Let's start with my new friend Richard Dawkins. Since I stood up for him in the TEESHIRTGATE scandal, saying that he had a perfect right to wear a "Jesus and Mo" tee-shirt, provided that he didn't mind looking like a vulgar idiot, Professor D. has become one of my greatest admirers. "There's a lot of good in Brother Eccles," he says, and indeed, he has sent me flowers, chocolates, and copies of his greatest books; also, he has invited me to attend a Dawkins-worship service at the Church of Dawkins. I am still undecided about that.

L'élégance Oxonienne - but I don't understand this shirt.

Who is next for the Eccles paw of friendship? Poor Barack Obama has had a bad press here lately, but what's a passion for late-term abortions and a mania for warmongering, among close friends? No, I have plenty of good things to say about him too.

A true comedian: Obama recreates the "silly walks" sketch from Monty Python.

Another politician who needs a little love is Enda Kenny. No, I will not call him Enda Life, nor refer to him as Ireland's shame. He is a pious Catholic, fully supported by the Irish bishops, and the world is a beautiful place.

Enda Kenny - loves all creatures that live and breathe.*

*Offer may not apply to humans. Your mileage may vary.

Another group of people that I have vowed to love is the Tablet staff. Distinguished experts on Human Flourishing such as Tina Beattie, brilliant writers such as Catherine Pepinster, and of course the great Ed Stourton, as a result of whose efforts the BBC is now regarded in many circles as a place where one finds unswerving support for orthodox Catholicism.

"And they roll up their trouser legs like this." Ed explains freemasonry.

Of course Eccles is already on excellent terms with the English and Welsh bishops, and has often praised their faithfulness to the Magisterium and their opposition to organizations such as ACTA. Oh, don't get me wrong, I love ACTA too, I think it's shocking that they live in fear, and that most Catholics are too busy getting on with their daily business of loving God and loving their neighbours to listen to their demands for power. But of course bishops are even more important than the 95-year-old enfants terribles of the Church.

A bishop. Anglican? Catholic? How can you tell?

Well, even fluffy bunnies have their enemies. If any blood-crazed ferrets or foxy deacons are reading this, I love you too, but preferably from a safe distance.

Homeopathic religion

The principles of homeopathy will be well known to most readers: they are based on Proverbs 32:42: A little goes a long way. For example, blindness can be cured by drinking a glass of water in which a piece of carrot has been dipped - but don't forget to dilute the water 1000-fold.

Similarly, a broken leg doesn't require extensive bandaging - a skilled homeopath can cure it with a small sticking plaster (indeed, applying it for five seconds and then removing it should be enough).

You poor man - let's get these bandages off and cure you homeopathically.

And now the principles of homeopathy are being applied to religion. Compare and contrast the old and the new regimes:

Old: Love God, love your neighbour as yourself, prayer, fasting, Mass attendance, charitable actions, regular reading of this blog.

New: Generally stay indifferent to God, ignore your neighbour, say "O God" in times of trouble, refuse that fifth helping of treacle pudding in Lent, ...

Fasting - in Lent do not eat more than four of these at a time.

... wave at the church as you drive past on the way to Tesco's, put your old hole-ridden socks in one of those charity bags that people push through your letter-box, use the Tablet to line the cat's litter tray.

Who's been leaving **** in my litter tray?

We spoke to one of the leading exponents of homeopathic Catholicism, jolly "Enda Life" Kenny. He explained to us that, despite his antipathy towards unborn babies, he remains a staunch Catholic. On the principle that a little goes a long way, Enda is going to feed on minute, diluted quantities of Catholic doctrine - if he can find something easily digestible that will not get in the way of his more important diet of secularism.

"Yes, I'm having a hot dog for lunch," says Enda.

Well, there you have it. As homeopathic medicine is cheap and relies on the "placebo" effect, we see that homeopathic religion, relying on the "Please yourself" effect, requires no difficult commitments; it can be practised in such a way that nobody even notices that it is going on.

The homeopathic road to Salvation.