Sister Judy Piranha joins the blog

Coo-ee, Eccles!!?? Remember me from Damian Thompson's blog??!! I'm Sister Judy Piranha of the Catholic Nuns for Naughtiness, and it's WONDERFUL to be able to pour out my thoughts to your loyal readers!!?? Oh, the fun we had when HUNKY Damian Thompson wrote his WITTY blog for the Telegraph!!?? Remember how he used to mock Kieran Conry so CHEEKILY!!?? And Johann Hari??!! And Vincent Nichols??!! And where are they now, eh??!! All disgraced!!??

Sister Judy Piranha.

We in the Catholic Nuns for Naughtiness think this Synod on Sex is a great idea!!?? We're hearing lots of spicy stories about naughty Catholics!!?? Yes, they've found some typical Catholics in polytransgendered relationships to tell those old bishops a tale or two!!?? BUT Pope Francis sent me a VERY cold response when I asked if I could join the Synod!!?? Even though I offered to arrange a display of nude liturgical dancing in the coffee break!!?? Hmmph... some FUDDY-DUDDY Popes don't appreciate the Spirit of Vatican II, do they??!!

Perhaps we'll get a more favourable reply from Cardinal Gasbag - yes, that's you, I'm talking about, Mr Kasper!!?? Every time I telephone Cardinal Gasbag, he's BUSY giving another interview, all about how New Testament teaching makes his HEAD ache!!?? Well, of course it does, you chump!!?? The first rule of the Catholic Nuns for Naughtiness is that there are NO RULES, and we don't want any 1st Century MAN telling us what to do, even if He is the Son of God!!??

The Walter Kasper horror mask!!??

Yes, as a tribute to Cardinal Gasbag, little Judy has designed a mask to wear, so that you can jump out on your friends and shock them with new and naughtier Catholic doctrines!!?? And with Hallowe'en coming soon, the mask has another use!!?? We'll be wearing them in our devotions to the Sacred Catholic Pumpkin!!??

But enough of the Synod!!?? Little Judy's been looking at the Daily Mail!!?? And we're reading lots of stories of Mr Cuddles, the bishop who won't say no to WOMEN!!?? Now that he's leaving his Bishop's Pleasure-Dome, perhaps he'd like to stay with us in the Convent of Naughtiness??!! We're in his diocese!!?? And we'll have such FUN together!!?? Lots of the nuns would LOVE to confess their wicked ways to him!!??

Coo-ee!!?? Bishop!!??

Well, I must be going now!!?? I've got a column to write for the Tablet!!?? And Professor Tina Beattie is giving our nuns a talk tonight!!?? With EXPLICIT pictures!!?? Luckily she has no other engagements in the next decade!!?? I'm hoping that one day Tina will stop being an old CONSERVATIVE, and join us in the Catholic REVOLUTION!!?? Byeeeee!!??

A few advertisements

MMMWHAHAHA! It's the Richard Dawkins horror mask!

You've seen Damian Thompson, you've seen Cristina Odone. But now, scarier than either, is the perfect accessory for Hallowe'en.

Cause real terror in your neighbourhood this Hallowe'en as you jump out at your neighbours and scream the dreadful words "GOD PROBABLY DOES NOT EXIST!!!" Watch them run for cover, as they think you are about to plug one of Dawkins's dreadful books!

Walk into a Catholic cathedral, and see the bishop hastily turn to the exorcism rite! Watch priests go into hiding, fearful that you may try and arrest them!

Warning: we recommend that you do not inflict Dawkins on children under the age of 45, elderly people with weak hearts, or the Pope.

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New Tablet Computer on sale

The perfect device for those who hate Catholicism but wish to make telephone calls and surf the web! It comes with a built-in Pepinster^TM chip that protects your children from all orthodox religious websites.

In each model there is installed a copy of the Tablet Bible, "Professor" Tina Beattie's monumental tome, The Mass - an occasion for dirty thoughts.

Of course you can also watch videos on your Tablet, and here is one we particularly recommend.

A scene from the Wizard of Oz. The Wicked Witch reads out an evil incantation.

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Damiano is waiting to give you a truly Catholic hairstyle.

Relax to the soothing sounds of Gladys Mills playing Bach's monumental The bad-tempered ferret, while Damiano (Il Barbiere di Notting Hill) gives you a haircut that nobody will dare to mock.

For the middle-aged client with too much hair, the "Boris" is now out of fashion, and Damiano recommends:

The "Michael" Fabrication, a Damiano speciality.

While, for the older balding man looking for love, the "Andrew Neil" look is no longer recommended, and Damiano now suggests:

The "Silvio," as sprayed on by Damiano himself.

Advice on keeping your weight down is also available, while, for the ladies, Signora Cristina will soon be opening a special department dealing with beauty problems.

How Damian Thompson saved the Catholic church

We are pleased to welcome a celebrity guest blogger, the Archbishop of Corby, the Most Reverend Paul Priest, who will explain (more briefly than usual) why the Catholic Church in England and Wales owes so much to his friend Damian Thompson.

The Archbishop of Corby (H/T Maria Narwhal).

God, that man Damian is just so WONDERFUL. Remember when we were looking for a successor to Cormac as Archbishop of Westminster? Damian PERSONALLY spied on all the Magic Circle bishops and dug up all the dirt on them. For weeks he wrote hard-hitting articles pointing out that Arthur Roche was too fat, and Peter Smith smoked too many cigarettes. And in the end, the Nuncio got the message, and Vincent Nichols got the job. BLOODY MARVELLOUS, Damian!

The Pope's visit to Britain would never have happened if it were not for Damian. The organizer, Mgr Andrew Summersgill, had forgotten to make any room bookings, and the Papal Mass for the beatification of Cardinal Newman would have taken place in a bus shelter in Lincolnshire. But Damian came to the rescue, and in the end they used Cofton Park. AWESOME!

Cramped conditions for a papal mass to be attended by 55,000 people.

In fact Pope Benedict himself was going through a crisis of belief, and had to be rescued by Damian. To put it in layman's terms, the ontological neo-Kantian paradigm of Sacerdos Paulus semper obscurissimus est was giving him grief. I wrote to him myself: "Benedict, dude," I said, "just remember my encyclical Carpe vacuum, natura abhorret diem, and reflect on how Aquinas would have reacted." But, it took WONDERFUL Damian to tell the Pope the words he really wanted to hear, "Holy Father, I think your hair is fantastic." If it had not been for that, you can be sure that Benedict XVI would have resigned and we would now have Hans Küng as Pope. MAGNIFICENT, Damian! We LOVE you, dude!

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Other News

Richard Dawkins, with Charlie the chicken

An early photograph of the religious leader Richard Dawkins has just been published, which will be of great interest to Dawkists everywhere. It shows the brilliant man conducting research into the behaviour of chickens, a subject on which he was said to be a world authority. However, many modern scholars believe that the picture is a forgery, and they have even asserted that Dawkins was a purely mythical figure, whose life story was invented by his disciples. They point out that the writings attributed to Dawkins, being incoherent and inconsistent, are probably little more than clumsy forgeries put out by the Dawkist cult.

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The first women bishops in the Church of England.

Meanwhile, the Church of England has finally taken a decisive step in gender equality, by ordaining its first female bishops. The four saintly women in our photo, Mothers Avaritia, Ira, Invidia and Superbia, are expected to bring a new style of worship with them, based less on God and more on getting their names in the papers. With this aim in mind, it is rumoured that they are already in contact with Giles Fraser, the producer of Thought for the Day.

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The Cristina Odone horror mask

A few weeks ago we advertised the Damian Thompson horror mask. Now, for the ladies, we have the Cristina Odone mask! Terrify your Catholic friends as they think you are about to unleash a stream of garbled nonsense in your role as a "Catholic spokesman." Scare off your children's boyfriends and girlfriends, as they fear they may be saddled with a mother-in-law whose head gives off steam when she tries to think! Dress up as the woman who, without any sense of irony, dared to criticise Britt Ekland for her looks! With Christmas fast approaching, it is also useful for prospective pantomime dames, ugly sisters, and wicked witches!

Church of England casts the net wider

The CNC is apparently unable to reach a decision on who to recommend as the next Archbishop of Canterbury: all the obvious candidates are either too traditional, too liberal, too evangelical, in favour of women bishops, against women bishops, writers of dreadful blogs, known clowns from Thought for the Day, in favour of same-sex marriage, against same-sex marriage, too black, too white, Arsenal supporters, Manchester United supporters, in the habit of sniffing too much, adenoidal, too fat, too bearded, or otherwise ruled out. Or if not, their wives are.

Accordingly the CNC has cast its net a little wider, and now it finally has a list of two nominees who are not Anglicans in the traditional sense.

Abu Hamza (often mistaken for Richard Chartres)

Widely regarded as a safe pair of hands hooks, Abu Hamza is just the person to bring a breath of fresh air to the CofE. Likely to be welcomed by many in the Muslim community. Only snag: do the people of Lambeth and Canterbury want to be woken at dawn by a voice crying "Ayeeeeeeee... Death to the Infidel. Ayeeeeeeee..." (Previously they were woken by the bleat of an "Ayeeeeeeee... I do think it is most valuable for us to be able to have dialogue with Richard Dawkins. Ayeeeeeeee..." from Rowan Williams.)

Yoda of the Jedi, this is

Yoda is claimed by some malicious people to be merely a puppet and not a religious figure at all, but then the same accusation has been levelled at people such as Giles Fraser, so this is not supposed to be a disadvantage. He is said to have Prince Charles's ear - and indeed the church's future primate and supreme governor do both seem to have hearing apparatus in the "XXXL" size. One snag: seems to have unfashionable views on Good and Evil, which may upset the General Synod. Will his comment "When you look at the dark side, careful you must be ... for the dark side looks back" return to haunt him? Will it put paid to any hopes of a merger with the Church of Satan?

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Advertisement

With Hallowe'en fast approaching, why not get yourself a Damian Thompson horror mask?

Be the blood-crazed life and soul of the party, as you impersonate one of Britain's leading comic characters! Strike terror into your friends, as they think you are about to bore them silly with your anecdotes about Mrs Gladys Mills! Watch them hastily hold in their stomachs, fearing that you might write a blog post about their weight problems!

Better still, wear it at Mass, and watch the priest hastily cross himself and sprinkle you with holy water!

Available from all good joke shops. Banal opinions on music, literature and politics supplied separately.