This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Friday, 5 February 2016

Book about Church of England to be pulped

A new book about the Church of England, That Was The Church That Was, by spiritual giants Andrew Brown and Linda Woodhead, has been withdrawn by the publishers because of "a disputed passage about a Christian leader". Damian Thompson has made some valiant efforts to discover what the fuss is about, but only this blog has the real story.

That Was The Church That Was

This book is dynamite!

In fact, there are several allegations that the Church of England is desperately trying to suppress. The first concerns its founder, Henry VIII, who is as much a figure of veneration to all Anglicans as St Peter, and the man who earned the title Fidei Defensor, which his successors bear so proudly.

It is claimed that Henry VIII was a nasty piece of work who tended to cut people's heads off whenever he felt like it, and treated at least four of his six "wives" rather badly. If this gossip were to leak out - and so far only readers of this blog know it - then the Church of England would be forced to close.

Henry VIII

The skeleton in Justin Welby's cupboard.

Of course, dead people can't sue, and the publishers are really more worried about revelations about living Christian leaders. Take Prince Charles, for example. There are claims that he was a less than totally faithful husband to his first wife, Diana. (We can discount claims that his own father conspired to kill her, either with MI5, Amnesty International, or the Mothers' Union.) Still, this man will - in thirty years or so - become Supreme Governor of the Church, and if the secret ever leaks out...

Mohammed Fayed

Will Mo get his chance to be the first Muslim head of the C of E?

Other shocking stories circulating about senior Anglicans include rumours that Archbishop Rowan Williams has converted to druidism, that Archbishop George Carey supports assisted suicide, and that Canon Giles Fraser doesn't really believe in either the Devil or the Virgin Birth. If any of these turns out to be true, then the C of E may as well close down now and give most of its churches back to the Catholics.

Rowan the druid

The Archbishop of Stonehenge.

As Damian Thompson puts it: "For the time being, the Church of England is being protected from this atrocious book by somebody’s lawyers. But for how long?"


  1. I have an even spicier piece of gossip pertaining to the late Henry. It has been claimed that the actions of his later years, viz. the destructiveness, irrationality, megalomania and paranoia, all stem from a brain injury he received from a bang on the nut while jousting. IOW, when he set about dismantling the Church of Rome in England and putting himself in place of the pope, he was, as we say in the caring professions, barking.

    It is also not generally known, that upon stumbling across the Cornelius Metsys engraving of Henry (google it), Oscar Wilde ran straight home and started on The Portrait of Dorian Gray the very same afternoon.

    1. Thanks, I think I may use that engraving next time I blog about Henry (there's bound to be a next time).