Eccles issues an injunction

Rumours have been circulating that I, Eccles, am the mysterious "ECC" who took out an injunction to stop people telling the truth about me. Although my public image is that of a saved person, with a close personal relationship with God, there are stories going round that allege my participation in a threesome in a bath full of tomato ketchup.

Seen outside Eccles's house.

In the interests of protecting my privacy and that of my pet cats, my lawyers have instructions to make vicious threats against anyone using the following expressions on social media:

Eccles,
Threesome,
Tomato ketchup,
Camel,
Hedgehog,
Filthy pervert,
Stupid idiot in a red biretta,
ECC,
Lawyer,
Saved person,
Amoris Laetitia.

That should cover most eventualities.

Our lawyers have told ISIS to remove the message "It was Eccles all along!" from their flag.

Please note that although the jurisdiction of the court is England and Wales only, my lawyers will take particular delight in harassing people in Ireland (who may be unaware that they are no longer part of the UK), the USA (ditto, more-or-less), Antarctica (some penguins have been known to make ECC-like squawks), Scotland, North Korea, Mars, Alpha Centauri, etc.

As a very rich man, Eccles is prepared to keep this game going until he dies of old age, and even afterwards, so don't expect to see any books with titles such as "Eccles - the world's greatest hypocrite" or "Ketchupgate and other sex scandals of the 21st century".

Eccles's lawyers, Messrs Ass, Donkey and Ass.

Telling lies for Jesus

There has been an impassioned debate on Twitter about whether it can ever be "right" to tell lies. I was thinking of joining in, but after a blizzard of tweets such as:

the Grinnisite neo-natural Tollefsen equivocation [so close to TotB manipulation] - subverted consequentialism as faux-natural law

and

their teleological 'virtue ethics' is distorted utilitarianism - their natural law appeals merely masked Kantianism,

A mountain

I decided that some people were making mountains out of molehills, or, as the Bishop of Corby would put it:

paradigms of the species Homo Sapiens were fabricating prominent pinnacles out of acclivities pertaining to the Talpidae family in the order Soricomorpha.

There have also been some excellent blog posts on the subject, for example this one.

Actually, it's very simple. Lying is wrong. Don't do it unless some greater good will come from it. But it's sometimes the right thing to do. I'm with St John Chrysostom rather than St Augustine on this one.

After all, you are allowed to pull sheep out of ditches on the Sabbath (see Matthew 12), even though it involves breaking one of the ten commandments.

"It's all right, I can wait until Monday. No worries, honest!"

Likewise, only a lunatic would think that telling the truth and thereby giving away a concealed family of Jews to the Nazis was a good idea.

Nobody believes me when I say there are two British airmen in my wardrobe.

So, let's use the Devil's weapons against him. Lie if we have to, steal, break the Sabbath, commit murder (in wartime), ... I'm not sure about adultery: is James Bond acting for Jesus? That's a tricky one. Also, coveting is a hard sin to use in positive way; if only I had the debating skills of... ah.

Now, His Eminence Cardinal Baldisseri would argue that it is OK to commit theft of other people's books occasionally, and in his case he was acting against Christ rather than the Devil. Oh dear, not a good example, that one, was it? Ignore it and move on.

Don't forget to visit the second-hand bookshop I've just opened!

Of course, if we had no liars, then the world would have to get by without lawyers, politicians, and diplomats, none of whom can succeed by telling the truth all the time. "Your honour, I think my client is guilty, but he's paying me lots of money to argue that he's not..." No, that approach doesn't really work.

I hope this wasn't too long and complicated. Sometimes we saved people see things more clearly than the rest of you.

Trust me. Would I lie to you?

God threatens to sue Fr Rosica

From: Messrs Tort, Tort, Malfeasance and Tort, barristers and solicitors.

To: Father Tommy Rosica of the Salt and Vinegar Corporation.

Dear Father Rosica,

We have been retained by God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit (hereinafter referred to as the Trinity) in relation to various of your public pronouncements that have been judged to be false, defamatory, or both.

This is a preliminary notice, and our clients reserve the right to require your soul of you and send you to the Lake of Fire, without the necessity of any further warning.

These are some of your public statements to which we take exception:

Defamatory.

In particular, you did insult the Mother of Christ by describing the Holy Family of Nazareth as "irregular". Apart from charges of blasphemy, with which our clients will proceed when you reach the Day of Judgement, we should point out that you are bringing God the Son's Church into disrepute by trivialising the principle of Verbum Caro Factum Est, and you are undermining our clients' teaching on marriage as an indissoluble bond made between a man and a woman.

Disgraceful.

Furthermore, you did label Cardinal Burke and his associates, by implication, as "dissenters", for upholding Christian teaching. This again may be regarded as a direct attack on our clients in Heaven, who have incurred serious damage to their reputation and the probable loss of many souls as a result of your careless words.

Moreover, you did threaten a harmless blogger, Vox Cantoris, with legal action after he made critical comments about your activities. This also undermines the Christian^TM principles in which our clients have an interest. We are prepared to argue in court that the legal maxim of Loftus Hereticus Toleratus - whereby a well-known comedian can persuade some people to take him seriously no matter what he says - does not apply in your case.

Our clients are waiting to hear from you.

Your offences are all the more culpable, as you appear to be in a position of power and influence in the Vatican, and thus your words may be construed as carrying some sort of official endorsement from our clients. This you have never obtained, and although you have on several occasions attempted to address our clients by means of prayers, you have taken no notice of their response.

In short, our clients demand that you put a sock in it, Rosica.

Yours truly,
Nina Tort.

---

BREAKING NEWS. The Trinity's solicitors are also writing to Cardinal Baldisseri, concerning the theft of copies of a book authored by five senior cardinals, which was sent to all participants at last year's Extraordinary Synod on the Family. The book, "The New Testament", by Cardinals Matthew, Mark, Luke, John and Paul (with additional material by some trusted colleagues), was a complete answer to the fantasies of Cardinal Kasper. It is suspected that Cardinal Baldisseri wished to hide this book from synod participants, many of whom would not have read it.

"The New Testament? Never heard of it!"

Don't forget to say your Rosica!

The Rosary is old hat! From now on Catholics are encouraged to say the Rosica, a new sequence of prayers involving meditations on the Mysteries of the Rosica interspersed with cries of "Where's my lawyer?" "I'll sue!" and "I DEMAND an apology!"

Did you or did you not describe Fr Rosica as a "silly old buzzard"?

Named after Fr Thomas Rosica, of the Sue and Litigate Salt and Delight media network, whose response to criticism on the Vox Cantoris blog was to run to his lawyers and threaten legal action, the Rosica draws on some little-known sayings of Jesus from the Sermon on the Mount, including the following:

Matthew 5:11. Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. For ye can get in touch with your lawyers, and SUE THE PANTS OFF THEM!

We've been sued by Fr Rosica!

Matthew 5:20. For I say unto you, That except your righteousness shall exceed the righteousness of Fr Rosica, then ye shall in no case enter into the kingdom of Heaven.

"Be ye perfect, even as Fr Rosica is perfect." Matthew 5:48

Matthew 5:39. But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also. Thus wilt thou be able to claim DOUBLE DAMAGES.

Pope Francis gives some boxing tips to Fr Rosica.

For more on the mysteries of the Blessed Rosica, we recommend the blog of Brother Lapin.

Eccles and Bosco is pure

I is very cross wiv Grate-Anti Moly, cos she has been spreddin rumors about me. She told her frends dat my luvvly blogg was full of SEX. Dat aint nice, Anti Moly, cos I is pure in hart and I has been saved. Likewise if you looks at Bosco's blogg you will see dat he never mentions SEX on it. He dont even know what de word means, we was both away when dey did dat in shcool.

We got all sorts of pevrets singing into my blogg now and leavin nasty messages. I fink dat Anti Moly told dem dat it was de place to come for pornorgaphy and dey was dissapointed.

Dis Moly is my own flesh and bludd, viz Mom's Anti who was bannished to Austriala and escapped to visit us. If she weren't our fambly, I would be phonin dem pollite and courtoeus laywers, Cutley, Butley and Mutley, to help me soo her for libble. I gotta reputtation to deffend, I is workin hard as a Telegrahp Muddlerator over de summer. Bosco aint gotta reggular job, but he got a key positoin in soceity as a part-time Calumny Chappel Sundy School Teecher, Kid-dissciplinarrian, Nun-torturrer, Cement Dove-polisher, and Buoncer. Also he is repsonsible for our Mission to Save de Cathlics, althuogh he aint got very far wiv dat.

Dis is my laywer, bein kissed by an angle becuase he is saved. Anti Moly you libbles me at your perril.

Well, Bosco got into deep trubble wiv Camila Van Pyre his reggular girlfiend, after he went out to a big dinner wiv an acktress who told him her name was Hilda (dis was explaned last time). Camila came round and screemed at him "Dubble-dealin two-timin crettin!"
Anti Moly chimed in wiv screeches of "Sockpoppet!"
We got a tellephone call from de neihgbours complainin about de niose "If dat's de Calumny Chappel Chior Practise, cuold you do it more queitly?" dey said. "But de quallity of your chorral signing is sure gittin better." Dey is reely dubm we doesnt sign any hynms about Cathlics bein dubble-dealin two-timin crettins, except at funnerals.

Bosco he got cross and said "Bite me!" and dat was not a good move, as Anti Moly's 3-headed dog (we is callin him Spot now) gave him some nasty wuonds in de leg, and Camila bit Bosco in de thraot. I gotta nasty feelin about dis, Bosco.

Here is a touchin romantic pitcher of Bosco and Camila.

Bosco gotta see a dentist tomorrow, his teef seems to be growin suddenly. Also he refussed to eat de garlic bread we had wiv our dinner. Dey say dat cupples start to ressemble each uvver, and I fink Bosco is adopttin some of de habbits of Camila Van Pyre.