Church of England apologises for temporary lapse into Christianity

Yes, I thought of that title before Father Z did...

Following a special emergency meeting between the Archbishops of Canterbury and York, the Church of England has apologised for a statement made last week pointing out that for Christians the proper context for sexual activity is marriage between a man and a woman for life.

"It was a temporary lapse," explained their Graces. "We normally reject any teaching that originates earlier than the 16th century, when our blessed founder Henry VIII told us what to believe. But everyone was away that day, and the C of E was temporarily being directed by a teenage intern who somehow obtained access to a Bible."

"All we can say is that we experimented with Christianity, but now that the Guardian has complained, we are happy to back down. Our main activities continue to be investment in profitable companies and providing funfairs in our cathedrals. Oh, and nice cosy Evensongs."

"Giles Fraser is furious!"

The statement issued by Welby and Sentamu continued with the usual obligatory bishopese when moral issues need to be discussed: "...building bridges... difficult conversations... on the one hand... on the other hand... in a very real sense... two sides to every question... division and hurt... more tea, vicar?... we welcome all beliefs and none... a broad church... we don't want to preach at you... it is 2020 you know..."

Speculation is mounting that the intern's approval of the Ten Commandments may also have to be withdrawn. "If we have to stick to 'Thou shalt not steal' someone is going to ask us to hand all our charming churches back to the Catholics. If we are not allowed to bear false witness, then Justin's comments about 'a cloud hanging over the reputation of Bishop Bell' might need to be retracted."

Support from an unexpected quarter...

For the Catholics, Cardinal Marx has rushed to confirm that the German Church (whatever that may be) has long since realised that Christian teaching is unsuitable for the modern era. "We are happy to bless all sexual relationships," he explained. "Different-sex, same-sex, those in which partners are non-binary, insects..."

Our reporter asked "Do you mean incest?"

"No, insects," explained the good cardinal. "A lot of German Catholics like to make love while self-identifying as giant insects. Who are we to judge, provided that they pay their church tax?"

A pious German Catholic.

The sex life of the Jesuit

We are grateful to Fr James Martin for drawing our attention to a survey which claims that "...same-sex behaviour is bound up in the nature of animal sex. It hasn't had to continually re-evolve: It's always been there."

Fr Jim is of course mentioning this as part of his campaign to get LGBT stuff accepted as normal, natural, not sinful, just as good as heterosexual behaviour, perhaps even better, how dare you boycott our Pride marches, let's make sure children learn about it from an early age, ...you bigots!

So we decided the time had come to write about the sex life of the Jesuit, a creature which evolved comparatively recently from the ape kingdom (1534 or thereabouts), and was known initially for its spiritual exercises, which later evolved into Ignatian yoga.

Two Jesuits engaging in Ignatian yoga.

Jesuits are a male-only species, so it is not clear how they manage to breed (possibly, they are born as mutations from other humanoid species). They often live in single-sex communes, and - if we are to believe Fr Jim - they enjoy a perfectly natural sex life.

The dominant male of the pack (sometimes called a pope, superior general, or perhaps bishop) is usually an old man, and he does not normally engage in any activity beyond the uttering of incomprehensible grunts and the worship of strange objects. The younger Jesuits swear an oath of obedience to him, after which they are free to engage in single-sex activities. The more active Jesuits are often engaged in struggles for dominance, and it is said that they bend the youngest members, the seminarians, to their will. Sometimes they carry them off to their lairs (for example, beach houses) in order to practice "discernment" with them.

Natural Historian David Attenborough does the "sign of peace" with a Jesuit.

Jesuits are attracted by bright colours, for example rainbow-themed clothes, but are commonly seen dressed in black. Sometimes they can even be mistaken for human beings, at least until they start talking.

Since this is a family blog, we shall not go into the sordid details of their rituals (no doubt there is a David Attenborough television programme about them), but if we mention the words "accompaniment", "discernment", "spiritual exercise" and "missionary", I think most readers will know what I mean.

The British 10 Commandments

Following on from the Government's decree that schools should promote "British values", we have been trying to find out what these are. Is it old ladies drinking warm beer as they cycle across the cricket pitch to Mass in the morning mist, or is it something more concrete?

Miss Marple on the trail of someone without British values.

We are therefore grateful to Michael Gove for providing us with an advance copy of the 10 Commandments, edited to incorporate British values.

1. I am the LORD your God: you shall not have strange Gods before me.

In modern secular Britain, it's best if you have no gods at all: indeed, you can get into trouble for preaching Christian doctrine, especially if you actually mean it. There is no ban on strange Prophets, however, so Muslims can say what they like, unless they go so far as to wander around with hooks threatening to blow up people.

2. You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.

Blasphemy isn't really a problem these days: we're more worried about "hate speech", and there are certain words you may not say, such as the N-word or various synonyms for "homosexual". Using "Christ" or "Jesus" as a swear word is perfectly all right, and even encouraged.

Bloody Hell, did I just say "Cripes"? Sorry, folks.

3. Remember to keep holy the LORD'S Day.

Yes, Sunday is the day for worshipping Mammon. Get down to the shops and stimulate the economy! Or watch football. Of course some eccentrics may prefer to go to Church, but there are no proposals to make this illegal. Oh, Nick says there are. But not before 2015.

4. Honour your father and your mother.

We've had to scrap this, as a majority of Britons don't know who their father and mother are. Others will, quite naturally, have two fathers or two mothers in a loving same-sex marriage. Anyway, who wants to honour an old fuddy-duddy who could be well over 30?

We're soon going to hear the patter of tiny feet!

5. You shall not kill.

We Britons are very proud of having abolished capital punishment for people guilty of murder; contrariwise, we are equally proud to support abortion, euthanasia (soon), and other ways of bumping off the innocent.

6. You shall not commit adultery.

Since we've nearly abolished marriage, we have de facto abolished adultery. Result! Of course, fornication is frowned upon in some circles, but hey! this is the 21st century, and sex is a very British invention.

This is postmodern irony. Or something.

7. You shall not steal.

Quite right too. Of course, as MPs, we personally don't need to steal, as if we require the odd duck house we can claim it on expenses. Or we can flip our "second" homes to get a favourable mortgage deal. Or claim that our live-in lover is our landlord. No, stealing is right out. Put away that striped pullover, the mask and the bag marked "SWAG". They're unBritish.

8. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour.

Note that lying in general (or "politics" as we call it) is perfectly permissible. It is well known that British politicians are the most honest in the world: well, more honest than the Greeks, Egyptians and Kazakhs, at least. Possibly. However, it is unBritish to make up stories about people, unless you're a Daily Mail journalist.

...and I heard that Mrs Gove at Number 6 was a Russian spy running a cannabis factory...

9. You shall not covet your neighbour's wife.

This has been extended to live-in partners, whether of the same sex, the opposite sex, neither sex, both sexes or undefined. Our core British values are Equality and Diversity, and we certainly aren't transphobic! Now, a little coveting is perfectly British, but nonetheless, Nick tells us that even he has slept with fewer than 30 women; so if your street contains more than 30 neighbours' wives, don't covet them all.

10. You shall not covet your neighbour's goods.

Who makes up this rubbish? How are we to stimulate British industry by selling more cars, washing-machines, etc. unless people do their duty and get coveting? Coveting is a British tradition!

How I wish I had a nice house in Downing Street!

BBC interviews the Pope's enemies

BBC presenter: After the sudden announcement of Pope Benedict XVI's resignation, we shall be talking to a balanced selection of people who have good reason to hate him. Let's start with you, Justin Welby. Your predecessor, Archbishop Cranmer, was martyred by the Catholics in 1556, so naturally you detest Pope Benedict.

Thomas Cranmer - did Benedict XVI ever apologise for his death?

JW: Er, no, actually, I think Benedict has shown great dignity, insight, and courage. All in all, rather a good Pope, really. And I think it's an excellent thing when a major religious leader steps aside, in order to allow a younger man to take over.

BBC: Oh, you're no fun at all. Over to Richard Dawkins now, who can always be relied on to say something anti-Catholic.

RD: Sex. That's the main thing in life. And the Pope hasn't had any. What a waste. Look at me, I'm the man they call "Dr Sexy" in Oxford. Nearly 72 years old, and I'm still regarded as an Oxford Don Juan (geddit?)

An erotic DVD starring Dr Sexy. Not suitable for children.

BBC: Thank you, Professor Dawkins, for making that deep point of theology. Well, we at the BBC are nothing if not balanced in our coverage, so we also invited in a Catholic who hates the Pope. Catherine Pepinster is busy insulting the Pope on Channel 4, but instead we have managed to get hold of Lavinia Byrne, a former nun.

LB: Drone drone drone, women priests, contraception, Spanish Inquisition trying to bully me, Pope Benedict ate my hamster, ... (continues until she has a fit).

Panic-stricken nuns flee the bullying of the Catholic Church.

BBC: Thank you so much, Lavinia Byrne, for putting the Catholic point of view. We'll continue this debate on BBC Radio 5 Live, where Austen Ivereigh is being mauled by a specially-selected group of Leeds United supporters, but here is a final proof that God Himself (if he exists) hates the current set-up at the Vatican.

"GIVE ME HANS KÜNG !!!" says God.

Thought for the Dazed

By Giles Fraser

"We're DOOOOMED, I tell you," says Fraser.

Being a clever chap who reads books without pictures in them, I was given the works of St Augustine for my birthday last year.

It's astonishing how St Augustine was concerned about the same issues that worry us Guardian journalists who appear on the BBC and do a little praying in our spare time. For example, in his "City of God," he says:

To the divine providence it has seemed good to prepare in the world to come for the righteous good things, which the unrighteous shall not enjoy; and for the wicked evil things, by which the good shall not be tormented.

Nowadays we recognise that he was expressing serious concerns about climate change.

St Augustine - terrified by the thought of climate change.

Luckily, the horrifying effects of carbon emissions were averted in the 5th century, but we shall not be so lucky. We're DOOOOMED, I tell you. One of the books I have on my shelves - but haven't yet got round to reading properly - is called "The Holy Bible." At the end of it, in a section called "Revelation," there are many shocking predictions of the effects of climate change.

Like me, Augustine was a keen Socialist, and anticipated those great thinkers Marx, Engels, and Miliband. As I always say to my parishioners, I'm on the side of the Engels!

Another subject that Augustine anticipated was the modern Freudian theory of sex. When he wrote in his "Confessions," As a youth I prayed, "Give me chastity and continence, but not yet," he was setting out the basis of modern psychoanalysis, which is SEX.

Freud - his theories explain our basic need for lesbian and gay bishops.

Sex is a very exciting subject, and I love writing about it. The thought of a young woman priest in a tightly-fitting cassock... Phew, is it just me, or is it getting hot in here? Must be all that climate change that we hear about...

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 3

Continued from Chapter 2

1. For six long years Richard spake unto the young men of Oxford, telling them the ways of the sloth. Yeah, and he spake unto them also of the ways of the chicken.

2. And the young men said "Thank God that's over! Let us go down to the pub now."

3. But Richard continued his researches into the unknown. He hardened his heart against the humble chicken, and decided to break ground in pastures new.

A humble chicken

4.  And Richard cried out unto the Lord with a woeful heart, saying, "Lord, thou probably dost not exist, but anyway, here I am, an obscure lecturer in zoology. Grant unto me fame and fortune, and perhaps a prettier wife who can operate a Tardis. If not, I shall be stuck here for another thirty years, telling the young men the way of the tortoise."

5. And God spake unto Richard, saying, "Why not write a book? It did wonders for My servant Isaiah, who became a prophet in good standing."

6. And Richard said unto himself, "Clearly there is no god, but my genes are telling me that I should write a book. And I shall call it Richard Dawkins's naughty book of sex."

7. But the wise men at Oxford University Press spake unto Richard saying, "Thou mayst mention sex, if thou wishest, but we prefer a more sober title.

8. So they considered Take off your jeans, I'm feeling selfish, but eventually they shortened it to The Selfish Gene.

9. Although some called it The Shellfish Gene, and others debated whether it should be The Shellfish's Jeans. After which, of course, the world would be Richard's oyster.

Richard Dawkins and Prof. Walrus making jeans for shellfish

10. And the main theme of Richard's book, once he had deleted the passages about the women of the night eating oysters in Paris, was genetics.

11. "Lo!" he said. "I am a worthless being, and I am only here so that my parents' genes may be passed on to the next generation."

12. And many people spake unto Richard, saying "Indeed it is the truth, thou art a worthless being." But, as it happens, he had not yet passed on his genes.

13. And the ancestors of Richard, they who had built up the family fortunes, and owned many slaves in Jamaica, looked down upon him and said, "This is a poor lookout for our genes so far."

Aha, Jim Lad, young Richard is letting down the family traditions

14. Yeah, even Black Henry Dawkins,  he who had owned more than one thousand slaves, looked down (well, up, in his case), and said, "I know not what the youth of today is coming to. Young Richard is writing books when he could be dealing in slaves and passing on our genes."

15. But slowly fame was coming to Richard, although he was not yet quite as famous as the Lord.

16. For he was to fulfil the words of Ecclesiastes: Of making many books there is no end: and much study is an affliction of the flesh. 

Continued in Chapter 4.

The Spirit of Vatican II

A guest posting from Fr Pau, the incumbent of the church of St Daryl the Apostate

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These are stirring times for the Catholic church, and liberal theologians are now beginning to take seriously the suggestion from our friend Damian Thompson that there should be a "4th Person of the Trinity," namely, "The Spirit of Vatican II."

A new spirit is in the land

The "Vat Spirit" as we shall now call her, was sent from God to renew all aspects of our lives, and overturn all established traditions. If you read the Vat documents carefully, you see that God has given us two new and great commandments:

1. Thou shalt have no other gods but Me, but, hey, if thou dost not believe in Me either, well, nobody's going to condemn thee!

2. See that thou speakest not the abominable and blasphemous language known as Latin, which brings back unhappy memories to the Lord. Nay, let all thy words be Ne mutlu Rabbin adını gelir o or perhaps 是有福的，他在主的名字來。, or Cor that's cool like innit this God wotsit, you know? but, under no circumstances, Benedictus qui venit in nomine Domini.

A prophet, hanging, supported by his faith in the Vat Spirit

There will of course be a special Sunday in the year devoted to the Vat Spirit, at which we shall sing hymns, such as the following stirring anthem:

Arise all ye liberals and cast off the yoke of traditionalism!
Augustine and Aquinas are dead, and may they stay that way!
Tractor production is up by 26.6% thanks to Socialism!
A new spirit breathes in the land.

---

Sister Margaret Farley's Sex Book

Here at St Daryl's we support our persecuted friend, Sister Margaret Farley, whose book The nun's guide to sex has so incensed the old fuddy-duddies at the Vatican. Really, in this day and age, who is going to commit themselves to a life of celibacy if they can't have a little naughty fun as well? Maggie the Maniac tells it like it is!

Liberated nuns

We know what the Vatican wants. It wants women to be slaves. Men will be allowed to have sex and to father children, but women won't. Oh no, it's "Could you lick the steps clean with your tongue, dear?" and "Get back in the kitchen, shameless woman, and cook Father Chauvin's lunch." Well, Germaine Greer did not burn her bra in vain, and liberation is at hand!

In St Daryl's we shall be having weekly readings from The nun's guide to sex, and we naturally encourage all sexual relationships, regardless of gender or number of people involved. Come along next week, and we'll read the spicy bit in Chapter 7 where Maggie the Maniac explains how a party of modern liberated nuns can have fun with a pantomime horse and a packet of frozen peas!

A naughty sex object

Makin my peas wiv Anti Moly

As you saw on de previuos blogg, I was very cross wiv Anti Moly for sayin dat dere was SEX on dis blogg. But bein a holy and saved persson, I decidded to forgiv her. So I got her a peas offerin, some luvvly flowers. Well we aint got many flowers in de gardden, but I picked her a bunch of luvvly homlocks and netles, its de thuoght what counts. It aint easy to find it in de Bibble but I is sure dat Jessus would have done de same if his Anti had been mean to Him.

Den I took dem flowers to her room, and was startin a speech I had preppared, viz "Anti Moly we is all God's creetures, and dat includdes you who aint saved and who is gonna end up in de lake of fire. Sorry if I is bein a bit tactless in mentionnin dis rihgt now. My hart is pure and I has forgivven you your wikced libbles about my blogg."
But I didnt get dat far, as she snatched de flowers from me wiv a cry of "Lunch! At last!" and gobled dem down.

I finks we is freinds agin now, and I took Spot de dog for a walk, he's a good dog, but when you throws sticks for him, you has to throw three of dem, or else de three heads (Micky, Rutzi and Rofls) starts to fihgt. Anyways, Anti Moly says he prefers bons.
"Where does I get bons?" I asked Anti.
Anti Moly said, "Ask de bucther for some bons, or else de undertakker."
I went to see de bucther and he said "I'll save some bons for you, Eccles."
"Dat can't be rihgt," I repplied. "If dey is alreddy bons, den it's too late for dem to be saved. Pastor Vermicelli told me dat." Some poeple just dont understannd evangellical thoelogy.

Anyways, Bosco is behavin very stranggely after bein bitten by Camila. He has ordered a wooden box and says he wants to sleep in it all day.

Dat may seem lazy, but Bosco says dat he will go out at nihgt and save passers-by, so I guess it's OK.

Eccles and Bosco is pure

I is very cross wiv Grate-Anti Moly, cos she has been spreddin rumors about me. She told her frends dat my luvvly blogg was full of SEX. Dat aint nice, Anti Moly, cos I is pure in hart and I has been saved. Likewise if you looks at Bosco's blogg you will see dat he never mentions SEX on it. He dont even know what de word means, we was both away when dey did dat in shcool.

We got all sorts of pevrets singing into my blogg now and leavin nasty messages. I fink dat Anti Moly told dem dat it was de place to come for pornorgaphy and dey was dissapointed.

Dis Moly is my own flesh and bludd, viz Mom's Anti who was bannished to Austriala and escapped to visit us. If she weren't our fambly, I would be phonin dem pollite and courtoeus laywers, Cutley, Butley and Mutley, to help me soo her for libble. I gotta reputtation to deffend, I is workin hard as a Telegrahp Muddlerator over de summer. Bosco aint gotta reggular job, but he got a key positoin in soceity as a part-time Calumny Chappel Sundy School Teecher, Kid-dissciplinarrian, Nun-torturrer, Cement Dove-polisher, and Buoncer. Also he is repsonsible for our Mission to Save de Cathlics, althuogh he aint got very far wiv dat.

Dis is my laywer, bein kissed by an angle becuase he is saved. Anti Moly you libbles me at your perril.

Well, Bosco got into deep trubble wiv Camila Van Pyre his reggular girlfiend, after he went out to a big dinner wiv an acktress who told him her name was Hilda (dis was explaned last time). Camila came round and screemed at him "Dubble-dealin two-timin crettin!"
Anti Moly chimed in wiv screeches of "Sockpoppet!"
We got a tellephone call from de neihgbours complainin about de niose "If dat's de Calumny Chappel Chior Practise, cuold you do it more queitly?" dey said. "But de quallity of your chorral signing is sure gittin better." Dey is reely dubm we doesnt sign any hynms about Cathlics bein dubble-dealin two-timin crettins, except at funnerals.

Bosco he got cross and said "Bite me!" and dat was not a good move, as Anti Moly's 3-headed dog (we is callin him Spot now) gave him some nasty wuonds in de leg, and Camila bit Bosco in de thraot. I gotta nasty feelin about dis, Bosco.

Here is a touchin romantic pitcher of Bosco and Camila.

Bosco gotta see a dentist tomorrow, his teef seems to be growin suddenly. Also he refussed to eat de garlic bread we had wiv our dinner. Dey say dat cupples start to ressemble each uvver, and I fink Bosco is adopttin some of de habbits of Camila Van Pyre.