Pope Francis takes an aeroplane

Catholic commentators are expecting some special news today, as Pope Francis steps onto an Air Vatican flight to Milan. You can be sure that everything he says and does will be scrutinised very carefully - is he about to move the Catholic Church towards abortion, divorce and same-sex marriage? Or is he going to stick to Christianity?

A life-jacket demonstration or a liturgical abuse?

Well, this is very exciting. The Pope has put down his copy of The God Delusion, and is carefully watching the flight attendant demonstrate the use of the life-jackets. Liberal Catholics will surely interpret this attentiveness as a sign that the Holy Father wishes to make a point about the important role that ladies play in the church - surely the ordination of women cannot be far away?

On the other hand, the pope's nihil obstat to the life-jacket demonstration may also be seen as his way of expressing a traditional pro-life attitude.

Have you noticed that Pope Francis is sitting in seat 6A? Now Pope Benedict always used to sit in seat 8F, so that on take-off he had a good view of St Peter's Basilica. Traditionalists will worry that Francis is deliberately distancing himself from Benedict here by choosing to look at a humble power station on take-off.

Is the subliminal message: "I have the power now"?

Well, we've taken off, and the Pope has picked up The God Delusion again. He's laughing heartily at it, so we may see that as a sign that he is an orthodox Catholic, after all. Apparently, last time he flew he took God's Mother, Eve's Advocate with him, and had to make use of the sick-bag provided.

The flight attendant's coming round with the trolley now. She's offered Pope Francis a choice of drinks, and we can just hear what he's saying to her ex cathedra: "Coffee, please!" The use of "Coffee" here, rather than the Latin word Coffeum preferred by Pope Pius XII, will come as a shock to many - clearly Francis no longer thinks it appropriate to use Latin in a liturgical context. Has he repealed Summorum pontificum?

Well, after that bombshell, we must see what the Pope chooses to eat. A cheese sandwich or ham? Now there's another shock - he's rejected the Battista Ricotta cheese and chosen the ham instead. This is surely a sign that he means to take seriously those allegations of sexual misconduct at the Vatican Bank.

Battista Ricotta - rejected by the Pope.

We note that the Pope has been sitting quietly in his seat during the flight, with his seat-belt attached. Pope John-Paul II used to take his off, and kiss the floor of the aeroplane, but clearly Pope Francis's reign is going to be totally different.

Well, the captain has put on the "seat belts" sign now, and Pope Francis looks up from The God Delusion and smiles at the flight attendant as she takes his coffee cup away. Yes, there's clearly going to be movement on the ordination of women.

"Could you be quiet? I'm trying to read."

Well, that was a most eventful flight, and clearly a lot of commentators are interpreting the pope's words and deeds very carefully. Over at the Tablet they are quaffing champagne, feeling that the new pope is breaking with tradition, and that Catholicism is dead. At the other end of the spectrum, the good folk at Rorate Caeli are on the telephone to the Samaritans, feeling that the new pope is breaking with tradition, and that Catholicism is dead.

New secular sacraments

Now that the sacrament of marriage is to be given a totally new meaning in the secular world - no longer simply a bond entered into by a man and a woman - Prime Minister David Cameron today announced secular versions of all the religious sacraments.

The seven traditional sacraments - but Dave may invent some new ones!

No longer will Baptism, Confirmation, Communion, Penance, Anointing, Ordination - or, of course Matrimony - be limited to those who are religious, or even those who wish to participate in a ceremony with the same basic meaning.

Baptism. Well the basic idea here is that the baby gets wet and has some words said over it. But from now on Parent 1 and Parent 2 will be able to baptise the little dear. To do this, they simply give it a bath, say some appropriate words ("Goo goo, who's a little darling, then?" will do), pay a fee, and little Nick can have a baptism certificate!

Recommended for a secular baptism.

Confirmation. Hey, who wants to be "confirmed" as a member of a church? Sealed with the gifts of the Holy Spirit and strengthened in Christian life? No, from now on secular confirmation will be something like getting a driving licence (and you can be excommunicated if you drive through a red light - hey, we're being moral here!) As an added advantage, you can apply for confirmation online, just turning up for the sacramental part (the wielding of the rubber stamp) at your local council offices.

Bishops attending a keep fit class - but no bishops will be required.

Communion. Bread and wine? Body and Blood? Just turn up at your local for a ploughperson's lunch and a chardonnay. Don't forget to call the barperson "Father" (or "Mother!") Oh - and try not to leave any of your kids behind when you stagger home...

Penance. There's not much call for this among secularists, for - let's face it - we don't usually talk about "sin". Still, we do talk about crime, and, following an idea in the board game "Monopoly", the government will now start selling "Get out of jail free" cards. Prices to be negotiated, but get your Royal Pardon before you commit your crimes!

Too late for Mr Huhne, alas!

Anointing. All citizens have the right to be smothered in oil, if they are feeling a little off colour. It tones up the skin, and makes you feel GOOD! We are taking scientific advice as to whether it should be the finest olive oil or simply a dose of Castrol GTX: this may depend on whether you are anointed privately, or on the NHS.

The Catholic Church has no monopoly on the trademark "Virgin".

Ordination. This may be controversial, but we are creating a new order of "secular" priests and deacons, who will be able to perform all the religious rituals associated with Christian churches, but on a "no frills" basis, and with no religious belief required. (Many churches have such priests already, of course!) Of course they will be able to wear cassocks, chasubles, fanons, mantillas, etc. just like real priests do.

Secular priests may look something like this.

Marriage. Ah, we had the brilliant idea of making it possible for two people of the same sex to marry... oh, you've heard of that one.

And finally... Thanks to the miracles of technology, you don't need to worry about going to Heaven or Hell when you die! We can keep your brain alive for ever by pumping electricity into it (and the occasional replacement of spare parts). So religion is finally redundant!

Life after death! Or instead of it!