The seven traditional sacraments - but Dave may invent some new ones!
No longer will Baptism, Confirmation, Communion, Penance, Anointing, Ordination - or, of course Matrimony - be limited to those who are religious, or even those who wish to participate in a ceremony with the same basic meaning.
Baptism. Well the basic idea here is that the baby gets wet and has some words said over it. But from now on Parent 1 and Parent 2 will be able to baptise the little dear. To do this, they simply give it a bath, say some appropriate words ("Goo goo, who's a little darling, then?" will do), pay a fee, and little Nick can have a baptism certificate!
Recommended for a secular baptism.
Confirmation. Hey, who wants to be "confirmed" as a member of a church? Sealed with the gifts of the Holy Spirit and strengthened in Christian life? No, from now on secular confirmation will be something like getting a driving licence (and you can be excommunicated if you drive through a red light - hey, we're being moral here!) As an added advantage, you can apply for confirmation online, just turning up for the sacramental part (the wielding of the rubber stamp) at your local council offices.
Bishops attending a keep fit class - but no bishops will be required.
Communion. Bread and wine? Body and Blood? Just turn up at your local for a ploughperson's lunch and a chardonnay. Don't forget to call the barperson "Father" (or "Mother!") Oh - and try not to leave any of your kids behind when you stagger home...
Penance. There's not much call for this among secularists, for - let's face it - we don't usually talk about "sin". Still, we do talk about crime, and, following an idea in the board game "Monopoly", the government will now start selling "Get out of jail free" cards. Prices to be negotiated, but get your Royal Pardon before you commit your crimes!
Too late for Mr Huhne, alas!
Anointing. All citizens have the right to be smothered in oil, if they are feeling a little off colour. It tones up the skin, and makes you feel GOOD! We are taking scientific advice as to whether it should be the finest olive oil or simply a dose of Castrol GTX: this may depend on whether you are anointed privately, or on the NHS.
The Catholic Church has no monopoly on the trademark "Virgin".
Ordination. This may be controversial, but we are creating a new order of "secular" priests and deacons, who will be able to perform all the religious rituals associated with Christian churches, but on a "no frills" basis, and with no religious belief required. (Many churches have such priests already, of course!) Of course they will be able to wear cassocks, chasubles, fanons, mantillas, etc. just like real priests do.
Secular priests may look something like this.
Marriage. Ah, we had the brilliant idea of making it possible for two people of the same sex to marry... oh, you've heard of that one.
And finally... Thanks to the miracles of technology, you don't need to worry about going to Heaven or Hell when you die! We can keep your brain alive for ever by pumping electricity into it (and the occasional replacement of spare parts). So religion is finally redundant!
Life after death! Or instead of it!