They're changing popes at Vatican Palace

With apologies to A.A. Milne.

They're changing popes at Vatican Palace -
   Christopher Robin went down with Alice.
Francis is washing a Muslim girl's feet -
"That is going to go down a treat,"
   Says Alice.

They're changing popes at Vatican Palace -
   The new pope needs no cooks or valets.
A grand apartment he wants to decline -
"That cupboard under the stairs is fine,"
   Says Alice.

An apartment fit for a pope!

They're changing popes at Vatican Palace -
   Dawkins shows his usual malice.
We saw a concert: the pope stayed away -
"I think he's busy with 'pope things' today,"
  Says Alice.

They're changing popes at Vatican Palace -
   We hear of scandals worse than in Dallas.
They told me of a naughty old vicar -
"That surely can't be Monsignor Ricca?"
   Says Alice.

I must do something about you - and let go of my ear!

They're changing popes at Vatican Palace -
   We've plastic cups, instead of a chalice.
A bunch of bishops broke into a dance -
"Vin will do likewise when he gets a chance!"
   Says Alice.

Both arms in, and shake 'em all about...

They're changing popes at Vatican Palace -
   Rock music's in: out goes Thomas Tallis.
Pepinster's telling the pope what to do - 
"That loopy old woman hasn't a clue,"
   Says Alice.

They're changing popes at Vatican Palace -
   Christopher Robin went down with Alice.
"Do you approve of Pope Francis's style?" 
"Not always - but still he's got a nice smile,"
   Says Alice.     

Alternative words are permitted, replacing "Christopher Robin" by "Cardinal Cormac", "Father John Zuhlsdorf", "Damian Thompson", or the name of some other religious figure.

Mass for the masses

An organizer of World Youth Day in Rio has apologised for distributing Holy Communion in plastic cups, thereby outraging a number of Catholics who feel that the Mass should be an occasion for reverence.

"With hindsight, we would have done things differently," explained Dom Pedro d'Alvadorez. "For a start, we should really have used coffee rather than wine. After all, we've got an awful lot of coffee in Brazil (it's where the nuts come from), and I am sure that the Holy Father would have been delighted to see us advertise our products in this way."

Dom Pedro and Donna Lucia demonstrate the Mass-o-mat^TM.

"We advise future World Youth Days to serve pre-consecrated Holy Communion in a food-and-drink machine," he went on. "Who can doubt that Jesus would have been a fan of fast food, if it had existed in His day?"

Fr John Zuhlsdorf, a leading liturgical expert, was unavailable for comment, having collapsed in an apoplectic fit.

Fr Z. demonstrates the liturgically correct way to drink coffee (rite of Pope Bibit V).