This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday, 26 June 2021

The Book of Covidicus 17: The Sins of Hanoch

Continued from Chapter 16.

1. And now, Theophilus, I must break my rule of writing just one chapter for each month of these wondrous events: for in the sixth month of the second year there came a great shame upon the people of Bri-tain.

2. For Matthew of Hanoch, the trusted adviser of Bo-sis, was discovered in an amorous relation with a lady named Castel Sant'Angelo, who was not his wife.

Matt and Gina

The Sun shineth upon Matthew of Hanoch.

3. These deeds broke the great commandments, which Matthew had written out on stone tablets for all to obey on pain of death.

4. Thou shalt keep thy hands to thyself.

5. Thou shalt cover thy face at all times.

6. Thou shalt keep a distance of four cubits between thyself and any other person at all times.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery. (Deleted at the request of Bo-sis.)

Moses and stone tablet

Bo-sis receiveth the commandments.

8. And the people spake out with great wrath saying, "I wished to visit my aged grandmother, but she hath spent the last 15 months sitting in a pool of hand sanitizer, and I have not been able even to embrace her."

9. "However, Matthew of Hanoch is able to perform the ancient rituals known as Kan Oodle in the Corridors of Power. He must go!"

10. And the people recalled that at the time of Brexodus, when ten brave men had fought to take over from May-sis as leader, one of those great men had been Matthew of Hanoch (nul points).

ten great men

The ten disciples of May-sis. All are pure save one alone.

11. "Blessed are we," they said, "for we might have chosen a leader who was a lecherous adulterer. But instead we chose Bo-sis."

12. Then the people recalled the story of Neil, son of Fergus, who had been cast into the outer darkness by Matthew of Hanoch because of his inappropriate use of models.

13. But Bo-sis replied "I have the greatest confidence in Matthew of Hanoch. For he is a master of confidence tricks."

14. So at last the people of Bri-tain spake out with one voice: "MATTHEW OF HANOCH MUST GO!"

15. So he did.

Hancock resigns

"Bless me, Father, for I have breached the guidance."

Continued in Chapter 18.

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