This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday, 9 July 2011

Prayers for de sick

Ullo dere Bosco my darlin bruvver, let us ressume de storry of Grate-Ant Molly’s visit. Bosco and me, we had decided to go to de Calumny Chappel for a speshul service of intersession, cos dere is a lot of very sick peoples in de neihgborhood, and we likes to pray for dem. For exapmle, dere is:

1. A pliceman wot was atacked by a scropion (dat's what dey calls Alfie, de pussy cat dat Bosco gave me), and he is in a comma. De pliceman I mean, not Alfie, who has run away and probbably aint in a comma.
2. A little boy who I gave one of dem assenic sweeties dat Bosco buoght for me, and has now got teribble stomahc ache. Maybe he ate somethin bad.
3. A young lady what was walking past our house and was hit by a crossbow bolt wot came frew de winder. Actaully I was lucky cos it was fired by Bosco and very naerly hit me his darlin little bruvver. Bosco says dat I shuoldnt mention this.

Life sure is dangerous in our street. Lukcily I has my bruvver Bosco to look after me.

Dere was also gonna be de usaul prayers dat we does, viz "Oh God please smite de Pop and give him toothahce cos he aint saved and he needs to be tuaght a lesson cos he's still burnin all dem what aint Cathlics. Please also do somefink about de nasty funguss dissease wot Bosco got, even though you cant see it when he's got his clothes on. Hopes you is havin a good time in Heaven, dont let Mary boss you around. Love Eccles, what has been saved, as you may have seen on his blogg. Amen."

We asked Grate-Ant Molly if she would like to come. She said she didnt believe in god or gods, but she would come along and bring her lapptop, as she wanted to write some pungennt cricketism of her enemas. "Has you got enemas, Anti?" asked Bosco. "Who are dey? Let me bite em on my luvvly blogg."

"Dey is everyone on de Damain Thopmson blogg," reply my darlin Anti. "Dey is all fanattical Catlics and sockpopes, except for you, dere Bosco and Eccles, and one or two uvvers like de man who is recoverin from a kick from his pet lama and a famous novellist wot is very pious and writes a blog about how horrid his children are. My enemas has even been mockin me, a laddy of advannced years who has led a very interrestin life. I has to spend all my wakking hours on dis blogg or dey will get de better of me."

However, Great-Anti Molly changed her mind about chruch when we explaned dat we was also gonna sing hynms in de Calumny Chappel, e.g. "Shine on me, and don't shine on de Cathlics". She says she likes Yakety-Sax but I dont fink dat's one of our hynms. So we found her anuvver botle of gin, and she settled down to catch up on her bloggin.It reely ainy much trubble havin Grate-Anti Molly wiv us, except dat gin is expensive.

Dey named a drink after our Grate-Ant, and here it is.

Grate-Ant Gin


  1. Eccles, I think it is your responsibility to have the drunken old crocodile put into a more secure old people's nursing home. How did she escape from the previous one? If you need to bribe the mental health team we will have a whip-around and send you money.

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  3. Mr Lappin, as you can see I got two prolbems at de momment. I loves my fambly but it aint easy copin sometimes.