This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Monday, 20 August 2012

Bad Hymns 9

Today the Eccles Bad Hymn Award judges are honoured to welcome, hot-foot from Portsmouth, the one and only Paul Inwood.

Paul Inwood

Gregorian Chant bad, Inwoodian Chant good.

E: Great to see you here, Paul. I see that on your website you say of yourself: "He has extensive liturgical knowledge and experience, dynamic musical skills, and a commitment to a wide range of styles in liturgy and liturgical music."

PI: I'm also known for my ease in communicating with people and my wonderful sense of humour, Eccles.

E: Ah yes. So I see from your hymns. Shall we start with this one, Alleluia Cha-cha?

PI: Er, it's "Ch-ch," not "Cha-cha," actually.


Pardon me, boy. Is that the Alleluia choo-choo?

E: I see. Isn't "Ch-ch" rather meaningless? Why not make it "Alleluia Beep-beep," or "Alleluia Oink-oink?"

PI: Well, I was drawing on my extensive liturgical knowledge and experience when I wrote this hymn, Eccles.

E: Of course. Well there aren't many other words in the hymn, although I see that later on it goes "Alleluia, Alleluia-Ha." Your wonderful sense of humour, eh, Paul?

PI: I develop the "Alleluia" theme further in another hymn, Finger-Snap Alleluia. "SNAP! Alleluia."

Finger snap

Could this also be a Paul Inwood hymn?

E: Yes, that's wonderful, Paul. I see that "Finger-Snap Alleluia" is a copyrighted hymn.

PI: Yes, anyone snapping their fingers has to pay me royalties.

E: Now the last hymn I wanted to discuss with you has actually got some original words. It's Go and tell the world.

PI: The birds and the mammals are His.
The fish and the reptiles are His.
The millions of insects are His.
The germs and the microbes are His.

E: Well, Paul, your last line seems to suggest that God has a nasty illness, but I dare say there are other interpretations.

PI: Yes. Note that I left out amphibians, though. We in Portsmouth often ask ourselves, "Are newts His? Are frogs His?" So, to play safe, I omitted the amphibians.


And are the axolotls His?

E: Now, here's a spiritually moving couplet:

Our sisters and brothers are His.
Our fathers and mothers are His.

Er, what about other relatives? I have this great-aunt... is she His?

PI: I'm working on some more verses, Eccles. What do you think of this?

Our spots and carbuncles are His.
Our great-aunts and uncles are His.

E: Magnificent, Mr Inwood. You have single-handedly done for liturgy and music what nobody else has ever done.

Paul Inwood

Paul Inwood, weighing up the relative merits of "Alleluia, Ta-ta" and "Alleluia, Pip-pip."


  1. By the way, if you want to hear these luvvly songs, you can get them on

  2. Wow - even worse than I imagined!

    This is a great idea; please keep up the good work - though presumably you'll have to resort to a seance* when you get round to 'All Things Bright and Beautiful'.

    (Are you allowed to do that, what with being saved and all?)

    1. Oh, being dead seems to be no obstackle. Last time we got John Lennon to tell us about "Imagine."

    2. Thanks - I had managed to miss that one somehow!

      (Though it's fertile ground for blogging, I can't help feeling you have taken on one of the Labours of Hercules here...)

  3. Darling Eccles, a shame Carlo Custard has turned up his ties before he could play you some of these rubbish (why won't the automatic text tell a lie?) xx Jess

  4. Is it true that any of these hymns is an outward sign of Inwood dross?

  5. Eccles, Paul Inwood still hasn't listed the Bad Hynm award on his page yet

    How rude!