This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Thursday 20 September 2012

In secular seculorum

My Anti Moly, wot is an atheist, and not very saved, was sittin in an armchair last week, drinkin a "possum's spleen" cocktail - gin, tomato juice, custard, and a dead spider - when she said to me, "Eccles! De Natoinal Secular Society is gonna hold a Secular Europe Rally, and we is gonna go along. Dey has put an advert in de paper sayin, 'Because of equality and diversity regulatoins, we is now obliged to recruit some intelligent people as well,' so let's go along and see what it's like."

Fanatical loony

As you can see, fanatical loonies are still welcomed.

"But Anti," I explaned, "I is a saved pusson, and we doesn't do secularism in de Calumny Chappel." But she insisted.

Our host, Damain Thopmson, said he couldn't come, because he was goin to a meeting of de Pinkshorts - dat's a para-military group he has jioned, wot sits around all day eating cupcakes and waitin for de return of Gladys Mills, de once and future Queen. (When she turns up, dey will shout "Heil Gladys!") So Anti and me went on our own.

We was very pleased to see lots of celebrities marchin down de street saying "What does we want? Nuffink! When does we want it? Now!" For example, I saw Richard Dakwins carryin a banner, sayin, "Church of Dakwins. Please leave your brains outside" (dat's a joke I stole from de opera Oilanthe).

Tiny Betty

"I'm sure that Declan was only joking when he called me the Satanic Anti-Christ."

Also de famuous Cathlic Professor Tiny Betty was dere, de one wot has been so creully banned from a 20-mile radius of Clifton Catheddral. I used to fink dat Cathlics cuoldnt be secularists, but luvvly Tiny tells me dat on matter such as divorce and gay marriage she is much closer to de secularists dan to de Pop. "Is you gonna swim back over de Tiber?" I asked her. "Swim, Eccles? I finks I can walk on it!" she replied.

Bouncers

"Between the two of us we should be able to keep Professor Beattie out."

Well, de highlight of de secularist rally was a speech from Terry Sanderson, pointin to de acheivements of secularism in history. I can quote it in full. "Er, um, well, yes, we've all done very well." I like a speech like dat wot gives me plenty to fink about. I weren't so sure when he came to talk about what a grate fing it is to abort babies if dey is gonna be ugly like my bruvver Bosco, to have sex wiv poeple of de same sex, and to get put to death when you ain't feelin' too well. My Anti Moly ran away at dat point sayin "I aint ready to die yet, it was just a bad spider I ate."

I fink Terry must also be quite keen on slavery too: apparently dere was a chap called Wilbur Force who stopped it, and I fink he was gonna point out dat it's just anuvver example of how relligoin prevents us all from havvin fun.

Wilbur Force

Wilbur Force - a typically interfering Christian.

I gotta chance to talk to dis Terry pusson afterwards, and I fink his probblem is dat he got very bored by relligoin in school, and so decided dat de experts had got it wrong. He told me dat he also got bored by mathemmatics, so next week he is organizing an Innumerate Europe Rally, wiv de following powerful sloggan:

Don't accept that 2 + 2 = 4.

2 + 2 = 5 is your right.

Well, we all had a good time bein secular. But when I left, and I said "God bless you, Mr Sanderson, you is a slightly saved pusson," he bit me in de leg. I fink I might have rabbis now - being ecumenical aint as easy as it seems.

16 comments:

  1. Thank you, Eccles. Now that Damain has aborted Catholicism on his blogue, we are grateful for your finger on the pulse of propper religion, as only a saved pusson can tell it.

    And yes, that Wilbur Force looks like the industrial revolution´s answer to Johnny Rotten. A right shifty specimen. Would you buy a secondhand slave ship from this man?

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  2. Wilbur Force was definitely a bigotted racist, who helped stall the country's economy, putting many decent respectable Muslim slave traders out of business, and refusing to engage with global free trade principles. As a result of banning the use of slaves, more steam powered machinery was employed leading to global warming, and the extinction of tuna friendly dolphins. Bravo to Richrd Dawkins noble forebears for their spirited resistance to this dangerous religious maniac.

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    1. If you pass "Muslim" (sic) slave trader remarks on Ray Blake's blog you can get ino trouble with the beak. His Hermeneuticalness (no less) already has this webiste down as 'edgy' so be careful ...

      Loved your post!

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    2. Very well then. In the interests of equality and diversity, I will point out that the Papist Portueguese were also affected.

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    3. In Stephen Shaughnessy's "Amistad" all the traders have blond hair.

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    4. Perhaps they were leftover Vikings.

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    5. Leftover Vikings? Is this a cricketing term I have not yet caught up with?

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  3. Were they singing "Don't cry for me, marching Tina"?

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  4. Gloria Richard, et Tina, et Terry Sanderson.

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  5. For your information and In Confidence

    Stockport Humanist Group meets in the back room at the Boar's Head pub in the Market Place.
    It is a banned organisation in this very spiritual town.


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    1. phil - don't make things up, this is a blog for saved pussons

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    2. You will be pleased to know that most ex-pats from the Manchester area seem to live on the Costa Blanca and the Stockport ex-pat St John of the Cross and St Teresa of Avila Carmelite Drinking Club meet in the Bar Carmel, Calle Stockport, Benidrome, every Friday night after school. (Teaching assistants must pay for drinks up front.)

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    3. Most teaching assistants of my acquaintance end up dribbling their drinks down their front. Still, as Mill Street has a wet lounge, I suppose there is no harm done. I too have a wet lounge when my niece's dogs pay a visit in the Stockport rain.

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  6. Sorry I can't reply to all your wonderful comments individaully.

    I see that Damain has written some more about Gladys Mills in his latest blogg. De Pinkshorts probabbly wanted him to.

    Eccles (saved).

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    Replies
    1. The Pinkshorts, or as they should more properly known, Les Chevaliers Roses du Marais Noir, are an ancient and noble Catholic order. They were founded In 2009 to celebrate the victory of the indomitable parish priest over th evil forces of Catherine Popehater and the Bitter Pill.

      Twice a year, on the appropriate Sundays in Lent and Advent, Damian leads a procession of grateful Catholic Herald hacks through the streets of Westminster, to commemorate the great day on which Fr Z's Rose. Vestments fund reached its target, and the Vouchers from Gammarellis were presented at a huge banquet in Ecclestone Square, close to a bonfire of remaindered Tablets.

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