This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Thursday, 31 January 2013

Cafeteria Catholic

BVM crisps

Some confusion about "the real thing" here.

Clive Schlee, the Managing Director of the Away-in-a-Manger chain of shops, has reacted gallantly to a post on this blog asserting that, being in the food retail business, he was naturally inclined to be a Cafeteria Catholic. Indeed, he is now planning to withdraw the controversial line of Virgin Mary crisps, which has led to many enraged deacons furiously ignoring his shops.

His concession has rather taken the wind out of our sails...

Richard Branson

Richard Branson - expecting to rename the "Virgin" brand in the near future.

Still, it seems a pity to waste a blog post, so here is an alternative account of what happened:

I met Elvis C. Leech in his luxuriously-appointed office, which contains statues of Tina Beattie, Hans Küng and Catherine Pepinster as well as the latest issues of the the Tablet and National Catholic Reporter, as he explained his new range of hard-to-swallow products.

Eccles: Elvis, you say that your Virgin Mary crisps are "like the real thing but much drier." What completely batty religious beliefs do you have which lead you to presume that the Blessed Virgin Mary was flavoured with Worcestershire Sauce and chilli?

ECL: Oh, I am a great believer in Nutrition Theology, which associates religious figures with foodstuffs. When one of our staff suggested Virgin Mary crisps, I thought, "What a brilliant conception, Tony! Simply immaculate!" Of course then I had to make certain assumptions...

E: Keep digging, Elvis, you're in a deep hole already.

ECL: Well of course Our Lord is generally linked to bread and wine, so we thought nobody would be offended by our new range of "Christian Butties," which are made with lovingly-baked bread, flavoured with wine made from grapes trodden by the finest French feet.

Treading the grapes

Grapes trodden by the finest French feet.

E: Will there be any other foodstuffs associated with famous religious figures?

ECL: Yes, our market research suggested that the Muslim community would appreciate Mohamburgers, which of course contain only the finest beef, and no horse meat at all. However, we don't expect to make a prophet with that line. Perhaps we should make them from ham instead?

E: You just do that, Elvis, and I am sure that the Muslims will beat a path through your door.

ECL: There's also our new line of "I can't believe it's not Buddha" margarine. Guaranteed to make you lose weight - to enlighten you, in fact.

Buddha knife

I can't believe that's not a Buddha knife!

E: Thank you very much, Elvis. Lots of food for thought there. I wouldn't eat any of it, however.


  1. Two deleted comments on the earlier version of this blost:

    Da Man Tom's Son rites: But DO THEY MAKE YOU FAT?

    Nutrition Theology…? Everyone’s a Tea-aloe-gin these days. But no Judas-juice? Nestor Coffee? Donatus doughnuts? Vatican petit-toos? Tina-truffles? Seems like Mr. Schlee has barely scratched the surface – relatively speaking.

  2. Eccles, the jokes is gettin worse, man. Your "I can't believe it's not Buddha" joke made me feel Sikh.

    1. Creul words, bruvver. But I consoles myself wiv de followin thought:

      "If only one pusson luaghs at my jokes today, dat's still one more dan yessterday."

  3. Eccles, Making just one pusson laugh IS a noble mission. It's like saving just one life or just one soul or just one pound. But I'm goin' to have to rethink visitin' your place here. Today I not just spit my coffee all over but nearly choked to death. Now is dis really a good thing? I don't know. I'll come round later and NOT drink coffee. Oh do they have coffee?

  4. ...Hahaha..indeed funny stuff..i am sure there might be a market for anamnetic grapes..just the memory satisfies..or even as slingblade might opine transubstantiated hmmm....the fat free substantial form remins hidden beneath the crispy accidents of flaky fried tater.... I am a bit bored maybe should pray for the souls in purgation... ;-)