Parodies make me depressed

Today we are luck enough to have a guest post from Marvin the Paranoid Deacon. The Reverend Mr Marvin writes his own blog, with a special password-protected section that his bishop cannot read.

Our guest blogger.

Parody is the last bastion of the bully (with apologies to Dr Johnson). I've heard of Dr Johnson, and his remark about patriotism. So I thought I'd do a clever parody of his epigram and... no, not a parody. Oh dear, can I start again?

Sir! The Tablet is a scurrilous rag, not worthy of the house of a gentleman.

What I was trying to say is that I get very depressed when I see parodies. For example, there's this organization ACTOR that everyone keeps talking about. It seems to be a parody of the Church of England, or at least its liberal tendency. Abortion, same-sex marriage, homosexual priests, defying the Pope... We've seen all this before, and these ACTORs (who are doubtless all true and faithful Catholics) are simply trying to bully the liberal Anglicans by parodying their views.

Six wives? I left the Catholic Church because I really wanted six husbands!

Excuse me while a pour a bucket of water over my head. You'd like to see a deacon in good standing with water streaming off him, wouldn't you? It would make you laugh, wouldn't it? All right then, here goes.

As a deacon, I am expected to be a martyr.

Now, I was looking around for examples of parody, and, apart from Eccles's blog, I found that the worst examples are in the Bible. That's a book that we deacons like to read in the bath. I've got a special waterproof edition, as I keep dropping it into the water.

You may be familiar with a man called Jesus Christ. We deacons get told about him when we go to deacon classes. But Christ could never have been a deacon in good standing, because he kept telling jokes, being satirical and even making parodies.

Consider that poor Pharisee. By all accounts, he was a Pharisee in good standing. Probably he was a spiritual life coordinator, so that he used to fast twice in a week, go on Twitter to insult Catholic women, and give tithes of all that he possessed. Note that A. Pharisee was his real name - Anthony Pharisee, at a guess. He's more likely to be a real person than the publican, who called himself Mr Peccator, an obviously made-up name. But Jesus bullied him unmercifully.

A Pharisee in good standing.

Christ also made stupid jokes about people straining at gnats and swallowing camels. How depressing. I don't often eat gnats, but I see nothing wrong with swallowing camels. Here's one of my favourite recipes.

I'll swallow camels if I want to!

Well, I hope that you will all take my remarks to heart, and continue to be really nasty to anyone who engages in satire or parody. We're not in this world to have fun... well, I'm not... you try being a manically-depressed deacon sometime.

What the ACTORs said to the bishop

The story so far: after a brilliant career as press officer for the Catholic Bishops of England and Wales, Monsignor Kieran Conry has inexplicably been ordained Bishop of Arundel and Brighton.

Bishop Conry wins a Bash Street Kids lookalike competition.

Meanwhile, there is a climate of fear in the liberal wing of the Catholic Church, as the realization dawns that Pope Francis, despite his many unusual habits such as riding on buses, washing the feet of Muslims, and telephoning random people to sell them double-glazing bless them, is in fact just as determined as Pope Benedict was to maintain orthodox Catholic teaching on marriage, ordination, abortion, God, etc.

Let's telephone Hans Küng and tell him his car's been stolen.

As a result, the dissident group ACTOR (A Call To Outright Rebellion) is getting increasingly anxious that nobody cares tuppence what they have to say - apart from certain Tabletistas, who think they are wonderful. Also, in spite of the fact that they have a totally different name, people will insist on claiming that they are something to do with the discredited American organization CATOR (CAll To Outright Rebellion), which coincidentally believes in much the same things.

ACTOR has developed a hard-hitting plan of rebellion:
1. Refuse to use the new English liturgy, or get it wrong on purpose. We'll say "The fellowship of the Holy Spirit" once more and watch the Vatican tremble!
2. Refuse ever to face East during Mass, even if that means walking backwards down the aisle and crashing into the altar.
3. Mention the Spirit of Vatican II on all possible occasions, and to justify anything we want to justify. For example, In line with the Spirit of Vatican II, we should hand out "morning-after pills" to the girl guides.

A "Spirit of Vatican II" deaconess, in home-made biretta.

And now the Resistance leaders have a brilliant idea: find a bishop who is well known for taking a casual attitude to the pronouncements of the Magisterium, and get him to approve meetings of ACTOR in his diocese. "Kieran, this is your big chance! If we can kick out the chaps at the Vatican, or at least dispose of the Nuncio, then any bishop on our side will be in line for promotion to Archbishop! Perhaps even Cardinal! What do you say?"

How will Kieran respond? Will he say Vade retro, Satana!? Well no, as Latin brings him out in spots... but he will wish to keep the rebels at ACTOR at arm's length. Won't he?

A Pope Francis lookalike in training for the rebellion.

Salvation is now a Human Right

Following a landmark decision by the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg, all religions based in Europe (including the Catholics and the Anglicans) are now obliged to offer salvation as a human right.

Heaven - get a good lawyer, and it can be yours!

This verdict has naturally caused a lot of trouble in religious circles. A joint statement from the Pope and the Archbishop of Canterbury (supported by the Archpastor of the Baptists and others) said "There est no bonum in nos telling fideles that possunt condemned ad damnation eternam for peccata if tunc lawyers solvunt them." (With hindsight, it was unwise for them to write alternate words, but it was a compromise.)

The European Court of Human Rights - the architect was inspired by Hieronymus Bosch's paintings of Hell.

In compliance with the ECHR decision, various bits of the Bible will need to be rewritten, or at least supplied with clarifying footnotes to say that they are not to be taken seriously. The ruling has been greeted with enthusiasm by the dissident Catholic group ACTOR (A Call To Outright Rebellion), which has long maintained that references to "wailing and gnashing of teeth" were inserted in the Bible by the Vatican as a means of repression. From now on, wailing and gnashing of teeth will be restricted to those Masses where liturgical dancing, puppets, or Paul Inwood hymns are on offer.

Gnashing of teeth - but is it a possible risk to Health and Safety?

The Boat of Fools visits a Catholic school

This week our Mystery Worshipper visited a Catholic School in the south of England, where the chaplain was conducting a multi-faith service.

Our mystery worshipper passed undetected as a pupil of St Ali's Catholic School.

What was the name of the service?
Special ecumenical service.

Did anyone welcome you personally?
Yes, the chaplain shook me warmly by the neck before telling me how much he hated me.

How would you describe the pre-service atmosphere?
Very chatty. Becky, the Year 5 representative of A Call To Outright Rebellion (ACTOR) explained how Vatican II had explicitly demanded that the Catholic church should henceforth get away from old-fashioned ideas such as God and Jesus, becoming more open to other faiths, such as the tree-worshipping community.

What were the exact opening words of the service?
Welcome to our special ecumenical service. Today we have present a variety of alternative faiths, including representatives of ACTOR, those who bow down to tree-spirits, and worshippers of the gods Thor, Dawkins, and Sun Myung Moon.

The sun shall not burn thee by day: nor the moon by night. Psalm 120:6

What books did the congregation use during the service?
Books sacred to the faiths of those present, including Tina Beattie's Why did the Virgin Mary never have children?, Richard Dawkins's The Reality of Magic, and Prince Charles's classic I talk to the trees.

The defender of all faiths meets a representative of the arboreal community.

Was the worship stiff-upper-lip, happy clappy, or what?
More a sort of unhappy-clappy, as the worshippers were clearly very angry about something (the Catholic church, at a guess).

In a nutshell, what was the sermon about?
The chaplain explained that it was important to break with tradition. One example he gave (so good that he repeated it) was about sticking children up chimneys. I couldn't work out whether he was for or against that one.

If you want to be a chaplain like me, you need to be able to handle chimneys.

Which part of the service was like being in heaven?
When the chaplain led us in a hymn to Thor:

When Thor had a hammer,
He'd hammer in the morning,
He'd hammer in the evening,
All over this land...

Rubbish words, but a great tune.

I hit my finger with the hammer and now I'm a little Thor.

And which part was like being in... er... the other place?
Well, most of it really.

What happened when you hung around after the service looking lost?
The chaplain told me to scram. He's known for his inter-personal skills.

How would you feel about making this church your regular (where 10 = ecstatic, 0 = terminal)?
0. No, please, no!

Did the service make you feel glad to be a Christian?
Yes, but I felt terribly out of place.

These "Thor" services are fine, but I always take an umbrella in case of a storm.

Minutes of the ACTOR pressure group

Minutes of the A Call To Outright Rebellion pressure group, affiliated with A Call To Action, but even more cross with the Vatican.

A bus-shelter in Wigan, May 16th 2013.

Our pressure group (faces hidden to protect them from the Inquisition).

Present: three members.

Apologies for absence from Hans Küng (not allowed out in public), Tina Beattie (busy with her one-woman comedy show), Kieran Conry (got the dates wrong), Cardinal Martini (still dead), and Enda Kenny (busy getting honorary degrees from dodgy organizations).

Leonardo Boff, too busy at the North Pole making toys with his elves.

1. Message of support were received from the Tablet, our sister organization ACTA, and Richard Dawkins.

2. Reasons given for attending the meeting included:

  Actually, I was waiting for a bus, but yes I hate Catholics.
  We want dialogue.
  Give us power, brothers!
  There's nothing good on television.

3. We then all had a good whinge. Why did they introduce a new translation of the Mass that was so much like the Latin version that we all hate? Why did Pope Benedict XVI set up the Ordinariate without providing something for people like us who want to go in the opposite direction? How come the Pope isn't elected democratically by a single transferable vote system? Why do people tap their heads when we tell them we are faithful Catholics who just want to make up our own doctrine? Why do we get escorted out of Mass just for shouting "NO POPERY" at a quiet moment in the service? Why can't every parish have gay masses?

Omo-phobia is a serious problem in the Catholic church. Even the Pope uses Daz.

4. It was noted that ACTA had managed to persuade a misguided Monsignor to attend one of their meetings. It was suggested that we invite a Cardinal along next time.

Cardinal Dolan (seen here conducting a funeral) is unlikely to accept, but Cormac might.

5. It was agreed that the next meeting would take place in prestigious premises in Bolton, possibly the basement of the Dead Parrots "R" Us petshop.

6. A bus arrived, and so the meeting disbanded, vowing vengeance on the Vatican.