The Book of Covidicus, Chapter 3

Continued from Chapter 2.

1. So the children of Bri-tain continued to be locked down, and unable to worship the Lord.

2. Although there were some priests who disguised themselves as merchants, such as Monsignor Tesco, the Bishop of Asda, Father Sainsbury, and Cardinal Waitrose.

3. These holy men sold foodstuffs to the people, and, when nobody was looking, they provided spiritual nourishment behind the shelves of beans.

4. But many people continued to worship by watching the stream that is called live.

5. Although some decided to wait for the set that is boxed, or the disc that is called video, that they might also be able to see the bloopers and outtakes as well.

6. And many priests who used the stream that is live deliberately misspoke, or tripped over, or dropped the sacred artifacts, that their bonus disc might be a worthy offering.

Guido Marini catcheth the falling cross.

7. And the people of Bri-tain were told, "Stay ye away from the doctors, for we must protect the Service of Health."

8. Thus those who suffered from sore boils, and paralysis, and leprosy were cast forth from the hospitals, that there might be room for those suffering from the plague.

9. But those who had other sicknesses claimed that they also had the plague, that they might be healed too.

The doctor healeth a man suffering from the plague.

10. Next, it came to pass that Bosis's handmaiden, Carrie, was with child.

11. For the Lord had spoken unto Bosis, saying "I will multiply thy seed like the stars of Heaven," and the prophets had foretold that he should one day have twelve children, who would found the twelve tribes of Bri-tain.

12. So Bosis called his son "Wilfred Lawrie Nicholas", for he greatly revered a saintly Northumbrian bishop of that name.

13. Now there was a mighty counsellor, called Neil, son of Fergus, who was a great lover of models.

14. And his models told him that everyone would die of the plague unless they stayed locked in their houses, and probably even then.

15. For in the past his models had prophesied unto the world many times, saying that all men should die of fowl pest, or it might be ingrowing toenails, or then again it could be the knee of the housemaid.

The models of Neil prophesy DOOM.

16. So the people listened to the prophecies of Neil, and remained in their houses, hiding under the bed, or in some cases in the deepest dungeons.

17. But then it came to pass that Neil called unto his home another man's wife, and lay with her, although only at a distance of four cubits. For such was the law of the prophets.

18. And the people said, "We have had enough of this man and his models. Let us live dangerously, and open the window."

Continued in Chapter 4.

What the ACTORs said to the bishop

The story so far: after a brilliant career as press officer for the Catholic Bishops of England and Wales, Monsignor Kieran Conry has inexplicably been ordained Bishop of Arundel and Brighton.

Bishop Conry wins a Bash Street Kids lookalike competition.

Meanwhile, there is a climate of fear in the liberal wing of the Catholic Church, as the realization dawns that Pope Francis, despite his many unusual habits such as riding on buses, washing the feet of Muslims, and telephoning random people to sell them double-glazing bless them, is in fact just as determined as Pope Benedict was to maintain orthodox Catholic teaching on marriage, ordination, abortion, God, etc.

Let's telephone Hans Küng and tell him his car's been stolen.

As a result, the dissident group ACTOR (A Call To Outright Rebellion) is getting increasingly anxious that nobody cares tuppence what they have to say - apart from certain Tabletistas, who think they are wonderful. Also, in spite of the fact that they have a totally different name, people will insist on claiming that they are something to do with the discredited American organization CATOR (CAll To Outright Rebellion), which coincidentally believes in much the same things.

ACTOR has developed a hard-hitting plan of rebellion:
1. Refuse to use the new English liturgy, or get it wrong on purpose. We'll say "The fellowship of the Holy Spirit" once more and watch the Vatican tremble!
2. Refuse ever to face East during Mass, even if that means walking backwards down the aisle and crashing into the altar.
3. Mention the Spirit of Vatican II on all possible occasions, and to justify anything we want to justify. For example, In line with the Spirit of Vatican II, we should hand out "morning-after pills" to the girl guides.

A "Spirit of Vatican II" deaconess, in home-made biretta.

And now the Resistance leaders have a brilliant idea: find a bishop who is well known for taking a casual attitude to the pronouncements of the Magisterium, and get him to approve meetings of ACTOR in his diocese. "Kieran, this is your big chance! If we can kick out the chaps at the Vatican, or at least dispose of the Nuncio, then any bishop on our side will be in line for promotion to Archbishop! Perhaps even Cardinal! What do you say?"

How will Kieran respond? Will he say Vade retro, Satana!? Well no, as Latin brings him out in spots... but he will wish to keep the rebels at ACTOR at arm's length. Won't he?

A Pope Francis lookalike in training for the rebellion.

New blogger

William Thompson (age 11).

In recognition of the fact that James Delingpole's little brother has followed him into the glamorous world of Telegraph blogging, we are pleased to announce that Damian Thompson's nephew William will be writing today's guest post for us.

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Hello, I'm William Thompson (age 11), and my uncle Damian is jolly pleased that you're letting me write on this blog. At first I was a bit jealous when I heard that my great friend Ginger Delingpole was going to be blogging on the Telegraph. I know I am better than him at Latin and RE, but he knows a lot about wind farms, and especially how to blow them up with things from the school science labs!

My chum Ginger Delingpole (age 11) with some of the girls in our school.

Like my friend Ginger, I am very keen on war games. At weekend my gang and I dress up in medieval costume, and we re-enact the historic religious controversies of the past. At first it was a bit dull, as we were recreating the Synod of Whitby, when St Hilda was forced to accept the Roman date for Easter rather than the Ionan date. What a yawn!

The critical moment when St Wilfrid convinces St Hilda.

Later on, we got onto the religious disputes of the middle ages, and I had a super time making torture implements out of the garden tools in Uncle Damian's shed. However, Mummy told me off when I set fire to little Violet Elizabeth Odone, as part of our "Joan of Arc" re-enactment.

"I'll scweam and scweam and scweam until I'm thick!" says Miss Odone.

Like Uncle Damian I am very interested in what the Catholic church is doing. I tried to go with him to Westminster Cathedral to see the Pope, but Uncle Damian confiscated the catapult I was going to use to fire pebbles at Cardinal Cormac. I don't know whether he used it himself!

The Cardinal drinks tea.

In my next blog I will go into the differences between Novus Ordo Masses and Extraordinary Form. This is something that I know a lot about, because we spent last weekend re-enacting Vatican II. In fact, I was sent to bed early for putting a worm down the back of Hubert Lane (who was playing the part of Basil Loftus).

I'm sorry, Father, but my Uncle Damian says that Ad orientem is best.