Celebrate Lent the Jesuit way!

As compiled by some of our favourite Jesuits, including Superior General Arturo Sosa, Fr James Martin, and of course Pope Francis.

Soon to be plagiarised as "Celebrate Lent the Basilian way" by Fr Thomas Rosica.

1. Give up sin.

This novel idea seems to originate from the Canadian bishops.

Giving up sin is probably not something that occurred to you before, but it's very easy: most things that we used to think of as "sin" turn out to be simply "alternative lifestyles". Still, there may be some bad habits that you really ought to drop, at least for the 40 days of Lent - speaking Latin, pushing old ladies under buses, hard drugs such as coccopalmerio, etc.

Every time you are tempted to sin, write the sin down on a piece of paper, and save it for later. That way you can have a really Happy Easter when you let it all go!

2. Build bridges.

Are you doing enough for the LGBTQSJ community in Lent? It is not necessary for you to "come out" in Lent, and certainly God is not (yet) asking you to "change gender", but you should certainly try and build bridges with your LGBTQSJ neighbours. Why not ask your parish priest if he is thinking of changing sex? This is guaranteed to put you in a good light, as a loving caring person. Tell him that whatever lifestyle he chooses to adopt, you are not going to judge him, and you think he is doing a fine job.

3. Take up Ignatian Yoga.

Fr Martin's classes start soon. Bring your rainbow leotard!

This discipline is good for your bodily health, as well as your spiritual development. Originating with the Buddhists, Hindus, and Jains, it has not been seen as a part of Catholic teaching until now. However, it is now generally recognised that sitting around cross-legged and intoning the sacred words So Sa, Mah Teen, Reese, Bah Go Lee Oh and "letting it all hang out" is the best way to get on the path of enlightenment.

There will soon be a new book out, "How to twist things," in which Fr Martin will explain how a flexible approach is always the best.

4. Spiritual reading.

Lent is a good time for avoiding the Bible, because, as General Sosa says, "It ain't necessarily so," since there were no tape-recorders available when it was written. Instead, go for the works of deep thinkers such as Leonardo Boff, Hans Küng, Tony Flannery, etc., or sit on a bus reading out passages from the the Tablet to your ecstatic neighbours.

As recommended by Pope Francis. Try screaming on the bus to show your support!

5. Respect the environment.

This really follows from (4), as your spiritual reading should include Laudato Si'. Think of new ways of saving the planet! Old polythene bags can be sewn together to make wonderful vestments for your priest - don't worry if his chasuble bears the mysterious word "Tesco", for it is all part of celebrating God's creation. Plastic straws can be stuck in your hair, and these will add a little colour to your liturgical dancing.

6. Stop gossiping.

Pope Francis SJ has asked us to include this discipline in our list. Gossiping includes trying to find out what is going on in the Vatican, asking Dubia of the Pope, issuing filial corrections, and indeed any embarrassing Church news. In the words of Jesus, when He went into the wilderness: "Give us a break, guys!"

Remember that the Vatican is getting tough on abuse these days. We had a wonderful summit on the subject, in which we agreed that everything is more-or-less fine really, and we can't see what all the fuss is about. So woe on ye if ye say otherwise!

Have a fun Lent!

Father Boff is coming to town

Yes, it's the time of year when that strange white-bearded old man, traditionally dressed in red, and in whom most grown-ups don't believe, is said to come down your chimney and leave you gifts.

Father (well, ex-Father) Boff.

Yes, Leonardo Boff is well known for giving surprises to Catholics. Benedict, 89, is one who gave up believing in Boff when he found little packets of Marxism and Liberation Theology on his doorstep, which are well-known to be lethal if consumed.

Francis, 80, is less sceptical. Two years ago, he was given a CD of "Cry of the Earth" by the Gaia Ensemble, and last Christmas he was given a "Communion for All" game. Francis was apparently delighted with these gifts. This Christmas Father Boff is said to have brought him some Deaconesses, and even more packets of Marxism. What will he do with these gifts?

Two traditional Catholics prepare to receive Father Boff into their home.

Do you hear that strange braying sound, children? It's Kasper the red-nosed reindeer, guiding Father Boff's sleigh as he rides over the rooftops. Naughty children, like Raymond, 68, who refuse to believe in Father Boff, will not be getting any new heresies from him this year - so be warned!

How do I write a good encyclical?

You may think it will never happen to you, but perhaps one day the world will knock on your door demanding an encyclical. This may be because you have been elected Pope, or possibly because the editor of the Telegraph would like a few hundred space-filling words from you on any subject that takes your fancy. So here is a guide to writing encyclicals.

"Once upon a time..."

1. Choose a good title. Maybe you should do this last, when you have seen what you have actually written, but usually two or three words in Latin, expressing some deep philosophical idea, will do. CAVE CANEM, perhaps, or ILLEGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM. Or you can use Italian, as Pope Francis did in his recent piece O SOLE MIO. (Memo: check the title.)

It has been noticed that James Bond movies are also a good source of encyclical titles: "You only live twice", "Tomorrow never dies", "The world is not enough", "Skyfall", etc. Given a good title, the encyclical virtually writes itself.

2. We'll assume that you're addressing this encyclical to faithful Catholics, with an eye to its being approved by liberals such as Hillary Clinton, Giles Fraser, etc. who will cherry-pick the bits they like. You can spice it up with lots of non-dogmatic stuff - e.g., your favourite recipe for rice pudding - knowing that this is not part of the Magisterium of Catholic teaching. There is no need to point out that those who wish to cook rice pudding in a different way are not automatically heretics. Although they probably are.

A non-heretical rice pudding.

3. When we come to the more dogmatic stuff, then Catholics are expected to take it seriously. So anything you say about sex will be regarded as important, because that's all that most people think of when you mention moral teaching. Reminding people of what previous writers have said - especially if it is obviously good sense - will earn you kudos too. So, point out that, in the words of Aquinas, "God sent the almond tree to flourish in the wilderness. However, extracting cyanide from it and using it to poison your neighbour is a neo-Pelagian habit, and should be rejected."

Warning! There's a neo-Pelagian about!

4. Be brief! You may have been spammed with 200 pages of pro-genocidal propaganda from an atheist friend called Schnellzug, but there is no need to copy and paste it into your encyclical (the same goes for viagra adverts and offers of untold wealth from the widows of Nigerian dictators). Stick to the point: "STOP SINNING," "READ THE BIBLE," "STAY SAVED," "BRUSH YOUR TEETH" - that sort of teaching is clear and orthodox. There is no need to mention carbon dioxide more than 12 times - in fact most popes managed to avoid mentioning it at all.

5. Don't be pretentious. "The people of the world are in pain, and the Earth itself cries out with a bad headache." Who do you think you are? Leonardo Boff? Similarly, Yoko Ono-style advice such as "When you go to bed tonight, take a hedgehog with you. You will not sleep, but the hedgehog will love you" is a waste of time, and very dubious theology.

A grateful hedgehog.

Well I hope that was helpful. Get encycling, guys!

Minutes of the ACTOR pressure group

Minutes of the A Call To Outright Rebellion pressure group, affiliated with A Call To Action, but even more cross with the Vatican.

A bus-shelter in Wigan, May 16th 2013.

Our pressure group (faces hidden to protect them from the Inquisition).

Present: three members.

Apologies for absence from Hans Küng (not allowed out in public), Tina Beattie (busy with her one-woman comedy show), Kieran Conry (got the dates wrong), Cardinal Martini (still dead), and Enda Kenny (busy getting honorary degrees from dodgy organizations).

Leonardo Boff, too busy at the North Pole making toys with his elves.

1. Message of support were received from the Tablet, our sister organization ACTA, and Richard Dawkins.

2. Reasons given for attending the meeting included:

  Actually, I was waiting for a bus, but yes I hate Catholics.
  We want dialogue.
  Give us power, brothers!
  There's nothing good on television.

3. We then all had a good whinge. Why did they introduce a new translation of the Mass that was so much like the Latin version that we all hate? Why did Pope Benedict XVI set up the Ordinariate without providing something for people like us who want to go in the opposite direction? How come the Pope isn't elected democratically by a single transferable vote system? Why do people tap their heads when we tell them we are faithful Catholics who just want to make up our own doctrine? Why do we get escorted out of Mass just for shouting "NO POPERY" at a quiet moment in the service? Why can't every parish have gay masses?

Omo-phobia is a serious problem in the Catholic church. Even the Pope uses Daz.

4. It was noted that ACTA had managed to persuade a misguided Monsignor to attend one of their meetings. It was suggested that we invite a Cardinal along next time.

Cardinal Dolan (seen here conducting a funeral) is unlikely to accept, but Cormac might.

5. It was agreed that the next meeting would take place in prestigious premises in Bolton, possibly the basement of the Dead Parrots "R" Us petshop.

6. A bus arrived, and so the meeting disbanded, vowing vengeance on the Vatican.