Francis calls synod to decide whether he is Pope

Pope Francis has decided, once and for all, to call an Extraordinary Synod on the Papacy, in order to decide whether he is legitimately the Pope.

Is the Holy Spirit trying to hint something here?

Apparently the Catholic Church is divided into three factions:

1. Those who think that Pope Francis is the validly elected Pope, and, although he is "a bit strange", it's perfectly OK, since, after blessing us with a saintly pope and an intelligent pope, the Holy Spirit decided it was time for a change.

2. Those who think that Pope Francis was unlawfully elected as a result of the machinations of the St Gallen Mafia (its "Mr Big", Cardinal Danneels, is said to have put a horse's head in Pope Benedict's bed). Thus we are either sede vacante, or else Pope Benedict is still the Pope.

WARNING: this sort of talk can get you excommunicated, which means that it is far more serious than being an abortionist, a euthanasist, or an active homosexual. It certainly won't get you an invitation to a cushy population-control conference at the Vatican.

Mr Big models the latest in rainbow chasubles.

3. Those who don't really care who the Pope is, or what he teaches, as they are the sort of Catholics who never attend church anyway; they think that Catholic teaching needs to be "updated" to bring it into line with modern secular thinking.

Thus, we expect two years of impassioned debate on the papacy, but, since Cardinal Baldisseri has already written an account of it, we know what will be decided. All that remains is for Pope Francis to write an apostolic exhortation, "PAPA SUM OR NON SUM?", which will summarise the discussion in Jesuitical language so confused that nobody will be quite sure what the answer is.

An omen? A giant Spidero appears outside Ottawa's Notre-Dame cathedral.

Kim Jong-Vin bans sarcasm

In the dictatorship that is the Archdiocese of Westminster, its ruler, Kim Jong-Vin, has banned sarcasm, because he fears that people only agree with him ironically.

This follows a spate of implausible compliments in the Catholic blogosphere, such as "Nichols - a giant of Catholic orthodoxy" (Mundabor), "Dude, Vincent Nichols has saved the Catholic Church by his rejection of the ironically foundational communicologies of individualizing syntagma that result from the concept of Kantian neo-structuralist progressivism" (Paul Priest), and "I wish my hair were as good as that of Cardinal Nichols" (Damian Thompson).

"Go on, you're having a laugh, aren't you?"

There has also been a distressing tendency for priests to read out Pastoral Letters from Cardinal Nichols at Mass, prefacing them with the words: "Instead of a homily today, we have a letter from the greatest thinker of this age - or indeed of any age - Cardinal Nichols. My own humble sermon on marriage is as but chaff in the wind compared with the document in my hand, which will surely be regarded as one of the great landmarks of Catholic thought."

Likewise, when several faithful and learned Catholics who wrote to the Vatican asking whether Pope Francis could explain certain passages of Amoris Laetitia, "because it's all Greek to us", woke to find horses' heads in their beds, they laughingly shrugged this off by saying that the Holy GodFather had "made us a doctrine we can't refuse".

"All I said was, 'Can we lose that infamous footnote?'"

All these distressing signs of sarcasm are now banned, at least in the diocese of Westminster, along with jokes about how God prefers priests to turn their back on Him when offering Mass.

So, it's agreed then? Vincent Nichols is papabile, if anyone ever was.

An Appetite for Wonder

We are delighted to be able to print an extract from Richard Dawkins's new book An Appetite for Wonder, the first instalment of his long-awaited autobiography.

This bug in a jar proves the non-existence of God.

From an early age I realized two things:
1. I am the cleverest person who ever lived, even greater than my hero Charles Darwin.
2. God does not exist.

You can keep all your great thinkers and philosophers: Aquinine, St Augustus, Decarthorse (memo: check names). They weren't fellows of New College, Oxford with their own Foundation. Nowadays, nobody has heard of them, except the Regius Professor of Divinity, and what does he know about the personal hygiene of flies? Well, there you are.

At school I won all the prizes: the Mrs Joyful Prize for Raffia-Work, the Charles Darwin Prize for Cricket (my essay on "why crickets don't need bats" was reprinted in the school magazine), and of course the Victor Ludorum Prize for the largest brain, measured at Standard Temperature and Pressure.

Would a loving God have allowed such an ugly fish to exist?

Where was God in all this, you may ask? Was He there when I called upon Him, at the age of five, to strike Nanny with a thunderbolt? No, all He gave her, in answer to my prayers, was a slight sniffle, and that would probably have happened anyway after I poured lemonade down her neck.

Darwin is really cool, don't you think? He debated with his critics in a masterly way. I admire the fact that he used to make public pronouncements saying that all Catholics were "vile"! Why on earth didn't they give him a knighthood? Come to think of it, why on earth don't they give me a knighthood? Or, better still, a peerage? I can trace my ancestry back to Sir Richard Dawknobs, the 18th century composer, who many said was greater than Handel. (See pages 48 to 61 for my family tree.)

At school they gave me a special cap to wear.

The secret to life, by the way, is genes. And memes. And - a new hybrid that everyone has missed - gnomes! Basically, a human being is just a gnome's way of making another gnome. And you can never have too many gnomes. Gnomes are denizens of geological time: gnomes are forever.

In Volume 2 - how the Catholic Mafia sent me horses' heads.

Scottish news

Some Scots confused about sex

Startling news comes from North of the Border, where it has been discovered that many Scots have been confused about which sex is which, all along. Consider the following "Lookalike":

Alex Bastedo, actor and sex symbol, wears a skirt... male or female?

Alex Salmond, actor and sex symbol, wears a skirt... male or female?

It has now finally been explained to some of the less alert Scots that the guys in trousers are usually male (use the door marked "Laddies," chaps!) and the guys in skirts are female ("Ladies").

Alex Salmond has decided that the only way to prevent such confusion in future is to allow for the possibility of same-sex "marriage." However, if you are not sure of the sex of your prospective spouse, then do please ask a qualified doctor to advise you, to avoid embarrassment later.

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New job opportunities for Italian clergy

Viva Italia! Green, white and red

Now that the job of Pope is no longer reserved exclusively for Italians, it has been decided that the post of Archbishop of Glasgow will be the main alternative option for high-flyers. In succession to "Don" Mario Conti, the position has now gone to "Don" Philip Tartaglia, Bishop of Paisley.

Is there a Catholic Mafia in Glasgow?

The position of Archbishop of Glasgow was heavily contested amongst the Italian community, and it was a relief that the succession was established without any serious problems. True, there were a few shoot-outs, car bombs, and garottings, but this is considered to be normal at Masses in Glasgow. It has been agreed in principle that the next Archbishop of Glasgow will come from the Corleone family.

Over in Paisley, life is much quieter, as this picture shows.

A tastefully-dressed resident of Paisley on his way to Mass

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Veneration of relics

The false teeth of Eccles's "Anti Moly," now widely regarded as a sacred relic, continue to make their way round the country, to be venerated by pious Catholics. Here they are seen in Edinburgh, surrounded by adoring crowds.

Relics transported in a special vehicle, donated by the Pope

So far, very few miraculous events have been attributed to the relics. Anti Moly, the original owner of the teeth, is of course not dead, but she is still behaving very strangely. A few of her recent utterances from Twitter:

I think I must have eaten a bad spider last night. The anti-freeze hides the taste.

Will people stop wishing me good night? I find it offensive. Besides I don't sleep at night. WOEFUL.

Do please say a prayer for Anti Moly's return to sanity.