How to be a Catholic blogger

Since the only spiritually nourishing item of news this week is the de-colonization of the Pope, it seemed like a good idea to write about something else. Following the lead of Mundabor, I will give readers the benefit of my ten years' experience (we started here in June 2011 and are expecting some readers to turn up any time now).

Polly the nun, first seen here in 2011.

1. Make money out of it. There is nothing a reader likes more when he clicks on a blog than being asked the following:

i. Do you accept cookies?
ii. Would you like notifications every time more rubbish is posted?
iii. Would you like to install the Ecclesblog App?
iv. Can we come round to your house for tea?
v. How much can you donate ($1,000,000 would be reasonable)?
vi. Would you like to buy some "Saved Eccles" coffee?
vii. Oh, you came here to read the blog? Weird!

As Dr Johnson said "No man but a blockhead ever wrote except for money." Well he was obviously wrong, as I'm not a blockhead am I? I'm not. Honest.

2. Make it all about you. Obviously a Catholic blogger may occasionally say something religious - about as often as the Pope's Twitter account does - but people are really here to know about the exciting life you lead. If you have four pet hippopotamuses, write about them ad nauseam - indeed you could even put up a guest post from Batmanghelidjh (the fat one) in which she describes how wallowing in mud enriches her spiritual life. Or if you did a pilgrimage to Lourdes (the supermarket down the road), then tell people about your struggles in the low-carbon toilet paper aisle.

3. No rude jokes. If the Pope is in hospital, don't say "He has a pain in the backside" accompanied by a picture of Austen Ivereigh. Still less with a picture of James Martin, as that could have a totally misleading interpretation. Just back off, right?

4. Don't be scared to recycle old jokes. I must have used that "Rhino Marx" joke at least half a dozen times. I vow never to do so again. Oh all right, once more for luck.

An old joke.

5. Don't use your real name when posting. Mundabor had that advice too. You use your own name to post something totally innocuous such as "2+2=4" or "Men have XY chromosomes" and the public will beat a path to your door, up the stairs, and into your bedroom, where you're peacefully lying in bed thinking of new insults for Cardinal Becciu. Luckily nobody knows that I am actually an eminent cardinal from Guinea!

6. If you can't think of anything to write, run a poll. Thanks to me the world now knows that the worst hymn ever written is "Lord of the Dance", that the worst Cardinal is Cupich (until the next poll, which is not far away), and the ugliest church is St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan. So you know what to avoid.

"We're please to welcome Cardinal Cupich today. And now, Hymn number 666, 'Lord of the Dance'."

7. Post when you feel like it. Professional Catholics have to produce posts, scoops, Youtube stuff, podcasts, interpretative dance videos, etc. etc. on a regular basis. Darn it, even bishops feel they have to produce pastoral letters when all they can think to talk about is carbon footprints and "build back better". Can't they just say "You're all DOOOMED!" and leave it at that?

So, only post when you have something brilliantly incisive and witty to say. Like I do.

Eccles (Nobel Prize for humility).

Kim Jong-Vin bans sarcasm

In the dictatorship that is the Archdiocese of Westminster, its ruler, Kim Jong-Vin, has banned sarcasm, because he fears that people only agree with him ironically.

This follows a spate of implausible compliments in the Catholic blogosphere, such as "Nichols - a giant of Catholic orthodoxy" (Mundabor), "Dude, Vincent Nichols has saved the Catholic Church by his rejection of the ironically foundational communicologies of individualizing syntagma that result from the concept of Kantian neo-structuralist progressivism" (Paul Priest), and "I wish my hair were as good as that of Cardinal Nichols" (Damian Thompson).

"Go on, you're having a laugh, aren't you?"

There has also been a distressing tendency for priests to read out Pastoral Letters from Cardinal Nichols at Mass, prefacing them with the words: "Instead of a homily today, we have a letter from the greatest thinker of this age - or indeed of any age - Cardinal Nichols. My own humble sermon on marriage is as but chaff in the wind compared with the document in my hand, which will surely be regarded as one of the great landmarks of Catholic thought."

Likewise, when several faithful and learned Catholics who wrote to the Vatican asking whether Pope Francis could explain certain passages of Amoris Laetitia, "because it's all Greek to us", woke to find horses' heads in their beds, they laughingly shrugged this off by saying that the Holy GodFather had "made us a doctrine we can't refuse".

"All I said was, 'Can we lose that infamous footnote?'"

All these distressing signs of sarcasm are now banned, at least in the diocese of Westminster, along with jokes about how God prefers priests to turn their back on Him when offering Mass.

So, it's agreed then? Vincent Nichols is papabile, if anyone ever was.

Pope claims that most Catholics are bastards

Pope Francis, in his usual friendly I-hates-you-all-because-you-is-not-saved-only-I-is-saved style, has claimed that most Catholic marriages are invalid, thereby implying that the fruits of the marriage (kids) are technically bastards.

John Major - also thought that most of his colleagues were bastards.

As has already been pointed out by wiser people than myself*, it is quite likely that most ordinations were also invalid - we can give you a list of prime suspects on request - not to mention Masses, Reconciliation (Penance), etc.

*wiser, but less saved, perhaps.

Having spent the three years of his papacy in accusing Catholics of particular sins (Pope Francis has a particular objection to holiness, faithfulness, honesty, truthfulness and orthodoxy), the Holy Father has now decided to "go for broke" by issuing this general Commination on his Church.

"O God! I've just insulted my own parents!"

Some critics (not us) have responded by suggesting that certain papal conclaves were invalid, because either Cormac Murphy-O'Connor and his mates interfered, or simply because the the cardinals ended up electing a rather dim person who didn't understand canon law. I expect that dear brother Mundabor could tell you more.

However, we should remember that the choice of the Pope is made by the Holy Spirit, possibly influenced by the Spirit of Vatican II, and that God moves in a mysterious way His wonders to perform. He plants His footsteps in the sea, and rides upon the storm. After one saintly Pope, and one very learned Pope, it is clear that the time had come for the Church to be led by someone very different. You got it.

Is Francis really the Pope?

We asked a spectrum of people describing themselves as Catholics to tell us whether or not the jolly man in Rome is really entitled to call himself Pope.

What is that pagan symbol on the Pope's wrist?

Sedevacantist: No, of course he's not the Pope. All Popes since the First Vatican Council in 1864 have been imposters, and probably demons sent to lure us to Hell; so Gregory XVI must be considered to be the last real Pope. Don't talk to me about Pius IX and the Spirit of Vatican I. Think of all the unwanted changes we've had since then - priests inviting nuns round for cups of tea, church jumble sales, giving to charity, and other modernist ideas. It was so much simpler when bishops lived in palaces, and priests lived in stately homes, and they didn't come out except on Sundays, when they'd berate the faithful and tell them they were destined for Hell. Why, the way things are going, they'll be introducing blasphemous things like masses in English, which God won't even understand!

This was unthinkable before Vatican I.

Mundaborist: Sigh. Yes, he's a genuine Pope. He's a complete bastard and he's going to Hell, but we still show him honour and devotion. He may be enslaved by Satanic forces and the most incredibly evil person since Stalin - perhaps equally evil - but we respect him because he is the one true shepherd who looks after the Catholic sheep. Let's hope he decides to retire soon - apparently he's in rather delicate health, he's only got one liver you know. Of course a demon may just come along and carry him down to Hell, that's also quite likely, isn't it? We love Pope Francis and wish him well, but just get lost will you, Holy Father?

Mummy, why does this statue look nothing at all like the Pope?

Ordinary Catholic: Yes, he's the Pope. True, he talks too much off the cuff, and says some very silly things. Luckily he doesn't say silly things infallibly. He has also made a complete pig's ear of the Extraordinary Synod, been nasty to Cardinal Burke, and bullied the Franciscan Friars of the Immaculate, but still he shows no signs of trying to change Catholic doctrine. Mind you, if Pope Benedict XVI were alive, he'd be turning in his grave. Still, Francis is very popular with people who aren't Catholics (not that it will make them come to church).

The Holy and the Ivereigh: Pope Francis meets a humble journalist.

Liberal Catholic: Yes, he's the Pope. Of course he's another of those sexist homophobic men in the Church, and we aren't impressed just because he gives himself a grand title. There was this fantastic article in the Tablet explaining that Fr Timothy Radcliffe should be Pope, as he understands how to be Catholic without bothering about the exact details of what Jesus taught, or Paul, or any of those sexist men. Professor Tina Beattie also knows how to practise a non-religious version of Catholicism and I'm with her! And did you see what Fr Tony Flannery has to say? You can find his article in the Guardian, the Tablet and the Beano, and he'll be speaking on a grand tour of the UK with gigs at 25 major venues in a month. He explains very carefully how he's been silenced, and that it's all the Pope's fault.

"There's something wrong with the microphone." "And also with you."

Anglo-Catholic: No, I don't recognise any Pope since Pope Clement VII. We follow - not Justin Wobbly although he's a fine chap I'm sure - God's supreme representative on Earth, who is Queen Elizabeth II, God Bless Her. She's been Queen since 1837 and she has never put a foot wrong - well, perhaps she did sign the abortion bill, and the same-sex marriage bill, and many other bills of dubious morality, but at least she never says anything controversial. People come from over the world to learn from her wisdom. "Have you come far?" she'll ask, or "And what do YOU do?" No trying to stuff religion down people's throats! Pope Francis could learn a lesson there!

I'm Henry VIII, I am. Have you come far?

Eccles adopts an angel

In the past, dis blogg has encouraged poeple to adopt cradinals, deacons, and even pops, all of which needs our help on occasoins. However, we was astuonded to hear from our slightly-saved but very rood and norty friend Mundabor that we now needs to adopt angles.

Ullo, Eccles, you is my gaurdian human!

Apparently, Man is no longer lower than the angles, at least according to a telephone conversatoin that Pop Francis may have had with an angle, and so we gotta forget Pslam 8:5, Herbews 2:7, and the rest, and become de gaurdian humans of angles.

Pussonally I always confuses angles wiv Anglicans, cos I read in a history book (1066 and all that) that Pop Gregory said that some kids was Non Angeli, sed Anglicani. When I heard about this adoptoin scheme I was scared that I might get Giles Fraser to adopt (and be woken up every mornin by him doin his silly bit on the Today program), but in the end it came out OK, and now I got a luvvly young creecher called Angela sleepin in the spare room. She's thinkin of startin a blogg called "On the side of the humans".

Is these angles? Not sure where the wings is.

Adoptin angles is reely very easy, as they doesn't eat anything, and they will often help with the housework. One night a week they goes off and has a Heavenly Choir Practice - and they does spend a lot of time in the bathroom, singin Hosannas as they wash their wings etc. But you gets used to that.

Angela also likes dancing on the heads of pins.

P.S. Sorry if the spellin aint up to its usual standrad this week. My secretarry, Ecclesiis, went off in a hough when Angela moved in, and we aint yet found a replaicement.

How to write a religious blog I

As the author of a very popular religious blog, which on some days achieves nearly 4 hits, I have been asked to give some guidance to those who aspire to similar success.

A good start - but what comes next?

Now, unless you lead a very interesting religious life, nobody is going to be interested in a simple day-by-day diary of what you do. This sort of thing is fine: Enjoying my first Christmas as Pope. Went to midnight Mass, so was quite late to bed. Opened my presents - I had asked Father Christmas for some comic books such as The God Delusion and God's Mother, Eve's Advocate, but all I got was socks. The next morning I gave a blessing to some people in the street outside, then went indoors for a game of Pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey with Guido Marini.

Could the brass band stop, please? Catherine Pepinster's been complaining.

This sort of thing (from Malvolio's blog) is not so fine: On Christmas Day I was locked in my garden shed with some bottles of whisky. A man called Sir Topas the Curate stood outside taunting me - I am sure he is a sockpuppet of Eccles. Luckily I was able to use Twitter to harass my enemies.

They say I'll be let out in time for Twelfth Night.

But blogs don't have to be about yourself, especially not religious ones. Many of them pick up on items of religious news: for example the popular Assist-The-Archbishop blog points out numerous examples of blasphemy, heresy and general nastiness which are seen to threaten the orthodoxy of the Catholic church, as personified in this country by Archbishop Vincent Nichols.

For those rejected by the Swiss Guard, there may be a role protecting archbishops.

So this is the sort of thing that Assist-The-Archbishop will warn its readers about:

COMMISSAR VOLPI TELLS FRANCISCAN FRIARS OF THE IMMACULATE "LEARN LITURGICAL DANCING OR IT'S BREAD AND WATER FROM NOW ON."

Headlines such as this will make your blog more interesting.

This one is genuine (from the Daily Mail), but could have been worded better.

Some well-known religious blogs have an inflexible party line, and need to be taken with a bucket of salt. After the twenty-fifth consecutive description of Pope Francis as a PINKO HOMO LIBERAL PERVERT MARTIAN ANTIPOPE on the famous Dealbabor blog, one begins to wonder whether its author is really a great admirer of the Holy Father. Especially since contrary comments are not allowed.

We now come to the more intellectual type of religious blog, which is usually written by a priest. I'm thinking here of Fr Hunwicke's Mutual Endowment Policy or Fr Finigan's Hermetic Continuity. To get the most out of such blogs it helps to have read Populorum Progressio, the works of Ovid, Inter Mirifica, etc. If your knowledge of Catholic doctrine is so hazy that you confuse the Assumption, the Immaculate Conception, the Annunciation, the Ascension and Christmas, then perhaps you should start with something a little less subtle.

The First Noele. Watched by Damian Thompson (R), Noele Gordon is persuaded to sing.

If you plan to write a dumbed-down blog for the masses, perhaps one with occasional references to religion and custard, then you may be able to find a national newspaper to support it. No particular examples spring to mind here.

In Part II we shall look at some further religious blogs, including ecumenical blogs with multiple authors, and of course some eccentric American blogs.

Pope Francis not a Zygon

Having watched the Dr Who 50th anniversary episode (and we promise not to blog on Dr Who again for... ooh... at least a week), we have finally found the explanation for the sudden change in Pope Francis.

This is not the Pope.

Pope Francis has been having a lot of bad publicity lately, thanks to various statements that he is supposed to have made - or which were made up for him by Eugenio Scalfari and various liberal journalists.

Indeed, his reputation amongst traditionalists was mud, with the great Mundabor writing "Francis is clearly a sodomite pinko liberal commie pervert - although as a pious Catholic I do respect the authority of the Holy Father." Then Rorate Caeli chimed in with "We're not really sedevacantists but how can we possibly accept Francis, when he's an ex-KGB member in league with the Prince of Darkness? What's more, his Latin is terrible." Even Father Z commented: "Let's read Francis as if he'd said what Benedict said."

Scalfari - his new book is called: Believe me - Pope Francis told me he was an atheist.

Only the Bitter Pill and the National Anti-Catholic Fishwrap dared to defend the words of Pope Francis, when he said - at least according to these distinguished publications - "Stop worrying about abortion, birth control, same-sex marriage, murder, theft and adultery. Just chill out, man," and - on another occasion - "Who am I to judge between Good and Evil - they're equally good lifestyle choices!"

But all this is at an end. It turns out that for several months we did not have a pope at all, but a shape-changing Zygon. Within the last week, this alien creature has been sent packing, and a lucrative column on the Guardian awaits it, as a colleague of Chris Huhne.

Another strange being employed by the Guardian.

Now that the real pope is back on the throne of St Peter, we are seeing all the traditional statements that we expect from a pope. For example, on Twitter: "HI! I'M A CATHOLIC. RETWEET IF YOU ARE TOO! LOL." (Sadly, he has not yet matched the intellectual gravitas of Pope Benedict.) Then again, "This Hermeneutic of Continuity idea sounds jolly fine. Perhaps I'll drop into Blackfen next week and find out more about it." And finally, "Spirit of Vatican II ??!!?? Arentchasickofit ??!!??" This last is regarded as a bid for a regular column in the Catholic Herald, perhaps entitled Frank Speaking.

And you're fired too!

Your car needs a service

At this time of year, many cars need to go to the garage for a service, so we investigated some of the possibilities on offer.

Our team of highly-skilled mechanics ready to give you the 1962 "Roman Rite" Service

For those requiring the traditional motoring experience, we offer the 1962 "Roman Rite" service. Your car will be asperged with holy water, and we make sure that only the highest quality oil is used. Our mechanics will sing solemn Gregorian chants as they lovingly restore your car to full spiritual health.

Asperges me, Domine, hyssopo et mundabor. Lavabis me, et super nivem dealbabor.

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Your Novus Ordo team

Or like many adolescents of all ages, you may want to be more hip, dude, and go for the Novus Ordo service, especially if you've got a really sporty car with go-faster stripes on it and a nodding-god in the window. This is a truly radical service for your car, and we'll throw all the old bits into the liturgy bin.

The radiator's leaking holy water. I'm afraid it's going to cost you, Guv.

The truly professional mechanics always wear white overalls

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Of course, there are other denominations who might service your car. This is one alternative that we found by shopping around.

The "Palm Sunday" service