Scottish news

Some Scots confused about sex

Startling news comes from North of the Border, where it has been discovered that many Scots have been confused about which sex is which, all along. Consider the following "Lookalike":

Alex Bastedo, actor and sex symbol, wears a skirt... male or female?

Alex Salmond, actor and sex symbol, wears a skirt... male or female?

It has now finally been explained to some of the less alert Scots that the guys in trousers are usually male (use the door marked "Laddies," chaps!) and the guys in skirts are female ("Ladies").

Alex Salmond has decided that the only way to prevent such confusion in future is to allow for the possibility of same-sex "marriage." However, if you are not sure of the sex of your prospective spouse, then do please ask a qualified doctor to advise you, to avoid embarrassment later.

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New job opportunities for Italian clergy

Viva Italia! Green, white and red

Now that the job of Pope is no longer reserved exclusively for Italians, it has been decided that the post of Archbishop of Glasgow will be the main alternative option for high-flyers. In succession to "Don" Mario Conti, the position has now gone to "Don" Philip Tartaglia, Bishop of Paisley.

Is there a Catholic Mafia in Glasgow?

The position of Archbishop of Glasgow was heavily contested amongst the Italian community, and it was a relief that the succession was established without any serious problems. True, there were a few shoot-outs, car bombs, and garottings, but this is considered to be normal at Masses in Glasgow. It has been agreed in principle that the next Archbishop of Glasgow will come from the Corleone family.

Over in Paisley, life is much quieter, as this picture shows.

A tastefully-dressed resident of Paisley on his way to Mass

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Veneration of relics

The false teeth of Eccles's "Anti Moly," now widely regarded as a sacred relic, continue to make their way round the country, to be venerated by pious Catholics. Here they are seen in Edinburgh, surrounded by adoring crowds.

Relics transported in a special vehicle, donated by the Pope

So far, very few miraculous events have been attributed to the relics. Anti Moly, the original owner of the teeth, is of course not dead, but she is still behaving very strangely. A few of her recent utterances from Twitter:

I think I must have eaten a bad spider last night. The anti-freeze hides the taste.

Will people stop wishing me good night? I find it offensive. Besides I don't sleep at night. WOEFUL.

Do please say a prayer for Anti Moly's return to sanity.