Jesubots recalled for reconfiguration

Following Fr Thomas Reese SJ's description of Earth as one of God's failed experiments we can reveal that he is nearer to the truth than he realises.

In fact he himself is one of a generation of Jesubot androids created not by God but by Vatican II Enterprises in the nineteen-sixties. These were intended as an experiment in Artificial Intelligence, designed to replace the Jesuits, which at that time was an order of holy men in the Catholic Church. However, over the years, the Jesubots have developed numerous faults, and they are now being recalled for repairs, reconfiguration, and in some cases - the LGBT Jimbot - scrapping altogether.

Mighty despots have traditionally employed fools: the Reesebot acts as an artificial substitute.

The most powerful of the Jesubots is the Bergoglidroid, about which many complaints have been registered with the makers. It has been accused of uttering heresy on many occasions - this is a software error that can probably be fixed - and has also taken to systematic persecution of groups of Catholics, along with its (non-Jesubot) sidekick ArthurD2.

ArthurD2 - the malfunctioning droid from Roche Enterprises.

Other faulty Jesbots include the Sosa, which accepts no teaching that is not recorded electronically in its database, and of course the Reesebot itself, with its confused "don't take children to the TLM" burblings, amongst many other gliches.

Waiting to be sent back for recycling.

Other robot manufacturers have realised that they too must fix some of the bugs in their products. For example, it has been a bad week for the Cupidroid (a rejected design from Cardinal Enterprises), which had been programmed to give a message on January 6th about wise men going to the stable to see the baby Jesus. Owing to a short circuit this turned into a condemnation of a bunch of nutters going to the White House to see Joe Biden. This somehow inspired feelings of horror in the Cupidroid's tiny mind (comparable to 9/11, Pearl Harbor, etc.)

A re-enactment of the Normandy landings.

Readers will no doubt have seen faults in other droids by the same manufacturers - although few will be completely broken up for spare parts as was the "Uncle Ted" McCarridroid, a close associate of the Cupidroid. Still, it is good to know that something is finally being done.

How to receive papal guests

Yes, it's another one in our series "How to be a good pope", containing top tips for those readers who may end up with the big job without having a clue how to do it. There are no training courses available, not even Youtube videos, so future popes tend to come here for advice.

As a pope you will naturally receive visitors wishing to benefit from your wisdom, to give you a piece of their mind, or simply to get a bit of free publicity (thinking of you, Austen, Greta, Fr Jimbo...) Let's have a few case studies.

Tip 1: Do not scream "heretic" and call for the Inquisition.

The Anglican bishop of Norwich, Graham Usher, drops in, bearing sumptuous gifts, namely a jar of honey (formerly the property of Richard Dawkins) and a bee facemask (no, this is not something to protect bees from Covid-19). Now, this is the bishop in whose cathedral there was a helter-skelter two years ago and a plastic dinosaur skeleton this year. What can his Lordship possibly want? Is he going to advise you to set up a helter-skelter in the Sistine Chapel, or a dinosaur skeleton in St Peter's Basilica (a nasty jibe against the priests who used to be allowed to offer Masses there)? Or is it simply that he expects you to liven up the tombs of the saints by surrounding them with beehives?

Have a quick photo opportunity, and send him packing. Keep the honey, though, and wear the mask at your next papal audience to frighten the pilgrims.

Tip 1 (bis): Do not scream "heretic" and call for the Inquisition.

The Wicked Witch of the West is your next visitor. Another one seeking a photo opportunity, and perhaps a papal endorsement of her activities. You instantly find common ground with her - you both hate the Big Bad Orange Man - and you get on like a house on fire. Unfortunately you can't accede to her wishes that you donate a few million dollars to Planned Parenthood - Vatican finances are a bit rocky at the moment - but she has your blessing.

You hear later that she attended a Mass in Rome and was booed out. Well, that's been happening to you quite a lot recently, especially since you declared war on the entire pre-1960s Catholic Church - so you can sympathise.

And now some visitors you definitely don't want to welcome.

Tip 2: Set the papal poodles (Antonio and Austen) on unwanted guests..

Cardinal Tao has arrived all the way from China, and wants an audience with you. There is absolutely nothing in this for you - no photo opportunity, just a 30-minute lecture on why it is a bad idea to let a totalitarian dictatorship run the Catholic Church in China. Pretend you're out. Pretend you're ill. Don't bother to pretend, just lock the doors.

Tip 2 (bis): Set the papal poodles (Antonio and Austen) on unwanted guests..

Finally, one of those irritating Dubia cardinals is still trying to get in to see you. It's been nearly five years since four of them wrote a letter asking you to clarify Catholic teaching by answering five simple Yes/No questions. As a Jesuit, clarifying teaching would be unprecedented behaviour, and make you very unpopular with the Superior, Arturo Sausage. Clear off, Ray.

Which reminds me...

According to Wikipedia, the gentleman above is called a Dubia Roach. The name may remind you that there's a great fan of yours at the Congregation for Divine Worship who is looking for a red hat in an extra large fitting. Indeed, he recently said "the post-Vatican II missal of Paul VI is the 'richest' the Church has ever produced." Come on, invite him round for tea (order lots of cinnabons) and give him what he wants!

How to get rid of the Latin Mass

It's time for another in our long-running series on "How to be a good pope," which is proving unmissable reading for those cardinals itching to sit on the throne of St Peter.

The story so far: your predecessor, Pope Benedictus, who lives entirely on German beer and is therefore still alive at the age of 103, wrote a Motor Propeller, Summa Holiday (memo: check title) permitting the wider use of the traditional Latin Mass.

Translating some updates to the liturgy into Latin.

Now you always hated Latin at school, ever since Mr Pacelli gave you six of the best for mistranslating the Lord's Prayer. And there is evidence of widespread support for your views - why only yesterday you got a letter on the subject which said "old, unpopular, incomprehensible, really rather pointless, better alternatives available." Admittedly they were talking about you, but it's the thought that counts.

So the time has come to repeal Summa Holiday. You were waiting for Benedictus to die, but you saw him out jogging this morning, and you are wondering whether he might even outlive you. So you have written your own Motor Propeller. In Italian of course, as it would be shooting yourself in the foot if you used Latin. Anyway, your F- grade in Latin is still a sore point.

Still, to make it look official, you have given it a Latin title.

The cover page of your Motor Propeller.

Romanes Eunt Domus is - your advisers assure you - an idiomatic way of saying "No more Latin", and will make the public realise you are serious.

The first thing to do is to give a press conference to which none of the press is invited, just a bunch of chatty Italian bishops. That way, your plans can leak out unofficially (as your mate Arthur Sousa points out, "If it ain't on a tape-recorder, it never happened, and that goes for the New Testament too.")

Now ask a few dead-beat journalists to make up reasons why the Traditional Latin Mass needs suppressing. They will say it is:

* fascist, alt-right, Trumpist, racist;
* homophobic, transphobic, claustrophobic;
* expected to cause climate change: it has already killed off 
all Rome's polar bears;
* beloved of Burke, Sarah, Müller, Pell, and  all the other 
loonies who used to be your friends;

and so on. Then you can go ahead with it. One top tip is to replace Cardinal Sarah at the Congregation of Divine Worship with his deputy, bluff Yorkshireman Friar (Arthur) Tuck. You've never been able to understand a word he says, but you're fairly sure that he hates Latin ("ee, tha's a poncey southern language!") so he will help you implement Romanes Eunt Domus, and take the blame if it all goes wrong. Make him a cardinal so that you can keep an eye on him.

When I become Pope, my first encyclical will be called On Ilkla Moor Baht' at.

Quod erat demonstrandum!

---

Addendum, one day later. Uncle Arthur got the job, and here he is beginning his revision of the liturgy.

Satan complains, "I really exist."

The Father of Lies - no, I don't mean a certain New York Jesuit - is an avid reader of this blog (it is part of the eternal torment to which he is condemned); now we are privileged to be the first to publish a statement from him, furiously denying the claims of Fr Arturo Sosa SJ, the Big Cheese of the Jesuits, that he is merely a "symbolic reality".

"After all I've done for mankind, and this includes the Jesuits, in leading them into eternal damnation, it is a great insult to be labelled a mere 'personification of evil'. Think of all I've achieved in the past - tempting Adam and Eve, prowling around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour, making Job's life a misery, the Temptations in the Wilderness, perverting Judas Iscariot (a nice innocent lad until he met me)... Then there's all the influence I've had since then, most recently on my good friends Hitler, Stalin and Mao. Oh and Tony Blair. You'd expect some sort of gratitude, but No! I am reduced to a mere abstraction!"

"Here's me, smiting Job with boils."

As usual, Mr Satan is not telling the whole story. It is part of the job description of Top Jesuit that you should issue heresy on a regular basis: in Sosa's case, he started well by saying that we could not trust Jesus's words because they weren't spoken into a tape-recorder, and besides, all contemporary videos were made using Betamax not VHS, so are now impossible to watch. Following this up with a denial of the reality of Satan has won Sosa praise from Jesuits worldwide, and guarantees him a second term as president of the Jesuits when the elections come.

A Venezuelan football player (with tape-recorder) gives a Sosa impersonation.

Mr Satan has promised to put Sosa straight on his misconceptions: "I'm expecting to see him soon - we have plenty of Jesuits down here, so he won't feel out of place - and then I can show him which of us is a symbolic reality!"

Celebrate Lent the Jesuit way!

As compiled by some of our favourite Jesuits, including Superior General Arturo Sosa, Fr James Martin, and of course Pope Francis.

Soon to be plagiarised as "Celebrate Lent the Basilian way" by Fr Thomas Rosica.

1. Give up sin.

This novel idea seems to originate from the Canadian bishops.

Giving up sin is probably not something that occurred to you before, but it's very easy: most things that we used to think of as "sin" turn out to be simply "alternative lifestyles". Still, there may be some bad habits that you really ought to drop, at least for the 40 days of Lent - speaking Latin, pushing old ladies under buses, hard drugs such as coccopalmerio, etc.

Every time you are tempted to sin, write the sin down on a piece of paper, and save it for later. That way you can have a really Happy Easter when you let it all go!

2. Build bridges.

Are you doing enough for the LGBTQSJ community in Lent? It is not necessary for you to "come out" in Lent, and certainly God is not (yet) asking you to "change gender", but you should certainly try and build bridges with your LGBTQSJ neighbours. Why not ask your parish priest if he is thinking of changing sex? This is guaranteed to put you in a good light, as a loving caring person. Tell him that whatever lifestyle he chooses to adopt, you are not going to judge him, and you think he is doing a fine job.

3. Take up Ignatian Yoga.

Fr Martin's classes start soon. Bring your rainbow leotard!

This discipline is good for your bodily health, as well as your spiritual development. Originating with the Buddhists, Hindus, and Jains, it has not been seen as a part of Catholic teaching until now. However, it is now generally recognised that sitting around cross-legged and intoning the sacred words So Sa, Mah Teen, Reese, Bah Go Lee Oh and "letting it all hang out" is the best way to get on the path of enlightenment.

There will soon be a new book out, "How to twist things," in which Fr Martin will explain how a flexible approach is always the best.

4. Spiritual reading.

Lent is a good time for avoiding the Bible, because, as General Sosa says, "It ain't necessarily so," since there were no tape-recorders available when it was written. Instead, go for the works of deep thinkers such as Leonardo Boff, Hans Küng, Tony Flannery, etc., or sit on a bus reading out passages from the the Tablet to your ecstatic neighbours.

As recommended by Pope Francis. Try screaming on the bus to show your support!

5. Respect the environment.

This really follows from (4), as your spiritual reading should include Laudato Si'. Think of new ways of saving the planet! Old polythene bags can be sewn together to make wonderful vestments for your priest - don't worry if his chasuble bears the mysterious word "Tesco", for it is all part of celebrating God's creation. Plastic straws can be stuck in your hair, and these will add a little colour to your liturgical dancing.

6. Stop gossiping.

Pope Francis SJ has asked us to include this discipline in our list. Gossiping includes trying to find out what is going on in the Vatican, asking Dubia of the Pope, issuing filial corrections, and indeed any embarrassing Church news. In the words of Jesus, when He went into the wilderness: "Give us a break, guys!"

Remember that the Vatican is getting tough on abuse these days. We had a wonderful summit on the subject, in which we agreed that everything is more-or-less fine really, and we can't see what all the fuss is about. So woe on ye if ye say otherwise!

Have a fun Lent!

Jesuits say the funniest things

Don't you love Jesuits? They can be really cute in the way that grown-ups simply aren't. Listening to them talking, trying to make sense of the adult world, is a pleasure and a delight.

I visited a Jesuit playground and met two of the little darlings having fun together; one was called Jim ("I'm Jezzie James") and the other Tony ("Spideroman").

Tony playing with his friends Big Frank and Arthur (the gang leaders).

Me: Hello, Jesuits, are you having fun?

Jim: I'm building a bridge. Poo, it's fallen down again!

Tony: I'm doing sums. 1 and 1 is 3. 2 and 2 is 5. Tee hee hee!

Me: Oh, right. Did you go to Church today, Jesuits?

Possibly the stupidest thing ever said by a Jesuit.

Jim: Yes, it was all about a wedding. Jesus wasn't allowed to go to it.

Tony: Naughty Jesus was a biggot! Won't go to Heaven!

Jim: He should have listened to the Canny... Cannonite woman!

Tony: I gotta new Bible.

Jim: He's gotta new Bible. It's the Messy Bible.

Tony: Message Bible. A special one for Jesuits.

A special Jesuit Bible with all the sense removed.

Jim: What does the angel say when he sees Mary?

Tony: Nice to see you, to see you nice! Tee hee hee!

Jim: And Jesus talks to Mary Magdulum. Says "Hello, Mary, how would you like to be the Pope?"

"Unlike Jesus, I'm properly dressed for a wedding!"

Tony: Hey, here comes Arthur. He's the leader of our gang.

Arthur: Hello, Jim, hello, Tony. Who's this?

Tony: It's Mr Eccles. He's a witless worm. Tee hee hee.

Arthur: He's got a tape recorder.

Jim: Jesus had a tape recorder.

Arthur: No he didn't!

Jim: He did, he did, he did!

Arthur: No, he didn't. That's why we don't know what he said.

Jim: We can make it up, can't we?

"Today I'm launching a Crusade against armchair Catholics!"

Tony: Shut up you lot. Here comes Big Frank. He's got a Magic Sterium.

Jim: What's a Magic Sterium?

Tony: It's for making up Cathlic teaching. It has a pair of scissors for cutting up old teaching, and a nice pen for writing new doctrine.

Frank: All right, you lot. Today we're going to break some armchairs. I don't like armchair Catholics!

Omnes: Ooh, what fun!

"Now I say SHAZAM and the Pope disappears!"

With thanks to @topcatholic and @thecorrectpope for locating some material.

A tribute to Cardinal Meisner

In an exclusive interview with this blog, Pope Francis has paid tribute to Cardinal Joachim Meisner, who died this week.

"Look, even this puppet can say 'No, yes, yes, yes, yes!'"

"Johann, er, Joachim Meisner was one of my closest friends," explained the Holy Father. "Unfortunately we lost touch in recent years, although we used to exchange phone calls, Christmas cards and discussions of theology in the old days. In fact, I think I've got one of his letters here, which I never got round to answering. It was signed by four of my closest cardinal-friends, but Spadaro said that it was simply something complimenting me on the solid Catholic doctrine in Amoris Laetitia, and it didn't require any reply."

"Hey, Sosa! I've blocked ALL the Catholics on Twitter. Job done!"

"Anyway, he was a good man, and a good Catholic, which is probably why we grew apart in the last few months. I seem to remember that he wrote another letter, requesting an audience, but we popes are very busy men, and I just couldn't find time to see him. Or even to reply to his letter. We shall not see his like again - in fact I hope not!"

"And I wouldn't have given this numpty an audience, if I'd known he was going to wear Islamic rainbow socks."

Are the Jesuits purely symbolic?

Following a load of heretical claptrap this week from someone with the implausible title of Jesuit Superior General, this blog is concerned with the burning question of the week: do the Jesuits really exist or are they merely symbols of evil?

I am the very model of a modern Jessie General:
I teach the ancient heresies and make sure they're perennial.

It is hard to believe in the reality of any Catholic priest expressing the view that the Devil doesn't exist (the Anglicans have seen similar opinions from the official Comedy Vicar, Giles Fraser of the BBC and Guardian, but he has long been recognised as a mythical figure). Likewise, this General Sosa character was also supposed to have said that one could not rely on the Bible for Jesus's words, as He didn't have a tape-recorder handy. Comedy gold, but not exactly spiritual nourishment.

Theologians attempt to analyse the recorded words of Arturo Sosa.

It is true that there was once a real Jesuit society, founded by St Ignatius of Loyola, which had many very virtuous and holy members. However, it is believed to have died out some time in the 20th century. So, just as "Druid" has become a term referring to a weirdo who likes to cavort around Stonehenge at the Solstice wearing silly clothes, "Goth" is someone who wears black clothes and wouldn't know how to build a cathedral if his life depended on it, and a modern "Vandal" owes little allegiance to Wisimar or Godogisel, you can be sure that anybody with "SJ" after his name is only in it for the laughs.

So what do Jesuits symbolize? Can it be the seven deadly sins?

Fr James Martin SJ - plays Lust in the Jesuit pantomime.

The "official" seven deadly sins are (in order of popularity) lust, gluttony, sloth, greed, wrath, envy and pride. Actually, I tell a lie, they're all pretty popular, and some aren't even recognised as sins. Also, the biggest sins of which Jesuits are symbolic - teaching false doctrine and general thick-headedness - don't seem to have made it into the Premier League of 7. Still, there are some Jesuits who definitely do seem to be there purely to symbolize one particular vice.

Fr Antonio Spadaro SJ - plays Wrath in the Jesuit pantomime.

No, it can't be the seven deadly sins (I can't think of a slothful Jesuit, or even a particularly gluttonous one). But, once you have realised that the Jesuits are not real people, it does raise lots of questions. And of course Pope Francis is also a Jesuit, and beyond criticism: so, even if he is mythical, he must symbolize something.

Pope Francis SJ (right) - symbolises clear and unambiguous teaching, a willingness to answer questions on doctrine, the maintenance of the dignity of the papal office, a respect for tradition, and a refusal to judge, condemn or insult other Catholics.

St Ignatius Academy Old Boys' News

It's been another good year for Jesuits everywhere, and as usual our old boys have been sending us news of their achievements worldwide.

Arturo Sosa (Caracas House, Class of 1977) has been appointed Superior General, also known as the Black Pope, although he admits that he doesn't really like the colour black!

The Blue and White Pope is anxious never to be recognised as a priest!

Arturo has been keeping up the finest Jesuit traditions of poking fun at Christian teaching. He tells us that he doesn't like Doctrine, and that's probably a good thing, as we recall that he got only 15% on his "New Testament Theology for Footballers" course!

We remember at the time that his excuse was that Jesus's words were only "relative" and "had to be discerned" according to the conscience of the individual. In those days, this excuse didn't serve him very well, and Mgr Chávez kept him in detention for 6 months on a bread and water diet. Nowadays we realise that this is the sort of attitude to Holy Scripture that makes him a fine Jesuit!

Fr Sosa also starred in the crime drama A touch of Frost.

JImmy Martin (Manhattan House, Class of 1999) continues his career in comedy. Last year he told us all about his stage act with Stephen Colbert, where he tells people that the Holy Spirit is female, and that God could learn a lot from human beings! That course on "The Laurel and Hardy approach to Bible Study" paid off, Jim!

This year, the LBGTSJ community in which he performs is very keen on "Trans" rights, and thinks it's a great idea to have men in dresses wandering round the girls' rest rooms! It seems that Jimmy has been very unhappy this year, since his idol Hillary Clinton didn't get a job she had applied for, and he himself seems to have been getting a lot of criticism from serious Catholics. If we Jesuits were into praying, I'd say we should pray for him - after all, God probably isn't aware of his plight!

Jimmy Martin and Tom Rosica (St Basil's School) wander into the Ladies' Rest Room by mistake!

Jorge Bergoglio (Buenos Aires House, Class of 1969) continues to hold down an administrative job in Rome, and says he has no plans to retire. He tells us that his favourite Person of the Trinity is the Holy Spirit - who chose him for his present job because he was obviously the best person to occupy the Chair of St Peter! Also, unlike God and Jesus, nobody actually knows what the Holy Spirit thinks on any matter, so in best Jesuit tradition we can make up our own answers!

Jorge (R) watches a non-rigid interpretation of Amoris Laetitia

We remember Jorge's time with us with affection, although he was severely punished by Fr Galtieri the day he handed in a blank test paper, saying that he couldn't give binary answers to abstract questions! Nowadays, of course, this is in the best spirit of Jesuit Confusion! We wish him well in his campaign to drive all the non-heretics out of Rome!