This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Wednesday 17 December 2014

Church of England appoints first female bishop

The Church of England today became history, er sorry, made history, when it appointed its first female bishop, Mrs Looby Loo. Traditionalists - those who had not yet fled to become Catholics, Orthodox or Muslims - had hoped that the announcement that it was possible to appoint women to such positions was enough to satisfy everyone, and like the nuclear deterrent, it was a threat that never actually needed to be exercised.

Looby Loo (L) with Bishop Andrew Pandy and Rev Edward Bear.

Mrs Loo has had a strong media profile since she appeared regularly on television with fellow-clerics "Andy" Pandy and "Teddy" Bear; indeed, the fact that the three of them lived together in a picnic basket was once regarded as something of a minor scandal in church circles. She is also celebrated in a well-loved Anglican carol, to be found in the best-selling hymn book Hymns Ancient, Modern, Postmodern and Downright Silly:

Here we go looby loo, 
Here we go looby light, 
Here we go looby loo, 
All on a Saturday night.
Mrs Loo today declared herself "overjoyed" to be appointed Bishop of Stockport, saying "I am delighted to be the first rag doll ever to promoted to the grade of bishop (except possibly for George Carey), and I look forward to seeing other characters from children's programmes taking their rightful part in the management structure of Anglico PLC."

The Rev. Weed, with her two deacons.

A hot tip for the next female bishop is the Reverend Weed, who is tipped to be become bishop of one of our "garden cities", possibly Letchworth or Welwyn. When asked for her views on today's announcement, she modestly cried "Weeeeeeeeeed!" and refused to elaborate on this statement. Her deacon, Bill (or was it Ben?) was more outspoken, saying "Flobadob-a-wobadob-a-flobadop", which one may take as a definitive comment on the whole issue of women's ordination.


  1. I'm gutted that I didn't get the job, as the premier female religious personality in the South-East Manchester conurbation. Have been going over and over the job interview in my head. They were totally cool about the paganism (had a nice chat with Rowan about various druid friends we have in common). I did a presentation on my successful campaign against global warming in Narnia - so definitely ticked the climate change awareness box.

    They were very impressed that I had downsized my residence from Cair Paravel to the witch's house in unfashionable Western Narnia, and had retired to a redbrick semi on the Macclesfield side of the A34.

    I got references from Drayton Parslow,(shaky handwriting) and the offer of a loan of the second-best cricket bat from Archdruid Eileen (refused - and I now regret my over-confidence in the essential reasonableness and goodwill of Anglican selection panels, which she does not share).

    All I can think is that Phil the fake Franciscan, having been locked out of my shed, wrote an anonymous letter to the panel, claiming I had cheated in the Mottram St Andrew Townswitches Guild Great British Bake Off by resorting to Betty Crocker. (As if I could fool Wilmslow housewives with anything cheaper than Jane Asher).

    1. I understand that you suffered the most appalling sexist discrimination when they disqualified you from being the first female bishop on the grounds that you were a man.

  2. The appointment of Looby Loo, as the first female Bishop, is, one suggests, sensational enough (three people living together in a basket, etc).

    However, the possibility of a second female Bishop being closely involved with Weed and Pot(s), whilst "hanging out with two chappies in a shed at the bottom of a garden", makes one wonder whether the world has finally gone "Doo-Lally" (or is that the third Bishop ?).

  3. I wish that I could remember the Oxbridge college where, in a stained glass window of the Day of Pentecost, a beard had been painted onto the veiled head of Our Lady at the time of the Reformation, as can be seen to this day.

    Presumably, it is now the faces of the Apostles that are to be replaced with those of women.

  4. Thankfully, it wasn't Libby's sister Penny or there would have been a song & dance about it!

  5. You are awful, Brother Eccles - but I like you...