What the Prodigal Son did next

A sequel to the earlier parable.

1. So the prodigal son, Harry, with the prodigal daughter-in-law, the sorceress Meg-han le Fay, parted from his father a second time, and went into the wilderness to seek an even bigger fortune than he had already.

2. "Leave us alone!" cried the happy couple. "We have told you many times, by means of interviews, epistles, paintings, interpretative dance, commemorative mugs, even by means of the Metropolitan Oprah, that we are humble strolling players who wish to preserve a dignified silence."

Harry painteth a self-portrait in the style of Van Gogh.

3. But it was not to be. "I am going spare," said Harry, "and the only way to be ignored will be to write the best-selling story of my life, also to be called 'Spare'."

4. Meanwhile, the grandmother of the prodigal son, who happened to be the Queen, died at a great age, and his father became King.

5. This Queen had responded to the claims of Meg-han Le Fay by saying "Recollections may vary", which is how queens say "Thou art a silly cow and everything thou sayest is as the droppings of the bulls of Bashan."

6. But now that the Queen was dead, the prodigal couple decided to invent more stories about life at the royal palace.

7. "For I am black but comely," said Meg-han Le Fay, "and thus I am the victim of racial attacks by the late Queen and her corgis of war."

8. Which was not true, for the people had greeted her with "Who is this that appears like the dawn, fair as the moon, bright as the sun, majestic as the stars in procession?"

"Boris! Liz! Rishi! Keir! Attack!"

9.But Harry was also much grieved. "Once when I was three years old, my brother William called me a 'pest', and it hath traumatized me all my life. What can I do?"

10. And Meg-han le Fay replied, "Let us arise and go unto the men who flick the nets, and ask them to make a powerful twenty-six-part entertainment about us.

11. Thus can we remain private, as we have always wanted; we can be revenged on the wickedness of William; and, best of all, we can be rewarded with much gold."

12. And it was so.

The people are entertained by the story of the prodigal couple.

New baby named after the Pope

The United Kingdom was thrown into a constitutional crisis yesterday, when it was revealed that the new royal baby - instead of being called Austin Cambridge, as would have been natural - is to be named George Alexander Louis; this is in clear homage to the Pope, whose original name is Jorge Mario Bergoglio.

William, Kate and George - are they secretly Catholic?

As will be well known to most readers, the Catholic Church in Britain has a special constitutional role not shared by Anglicans, Methodists, Baptists, Muslims, Sikhs, Hindus etc. If Prince William has secretly become a Catholic - and naming his baby after the Pope is a clear hint that he has - then he will be unable to succeed to the throne. For Prince Charles, a member of the Organic Church of Plant-Worship, there is of course no such obstacle.

Pope Alexander VIII.

The baby's second name comes from Pope Alexander VIII, an unfortunate man who is often confused with Alexander Pope, the poet. Prince William is known to be very fond of Pope's poetry, particularly the last lines of the Dunciad: these are astoundingly relevant to the state of Britain today, especially Westminster:

Religion blushing veils her sacred fires,
And unawares Morality expires.
Nor public Flame, nor private, dares to shine;
Nor human Spark is left, nor Glimpse divine!
Lo! thy dread Empire, Chaos! is restor'd;
Light dies before thy uncreating word:
Thy hand, great Anarch! lets the curtain fall;
And Universal Darkness buries All. 

Lo! thy dread Empire, Chaos! is restor'd.

So what of the baby's third name, Louis? Here there is no religious or political significance: it is simply that Princess Kate is a great fan of the most famous Louis who ever lived.

Louis Armstrong.

So, should Prince George fail to succeed to the throne, it is hoped that he will still be able to make his living as a Catholic trumpet-player.

Rational Observations

This blog has been accused of pushing a strong pro-Christian line, and so, to redress the balance, we have a guest blogger today, Mr Rational Observations.

Our guest blogger, sunbathing

The Bible is all fiction

I have studied the Bible for over 60 years, and all the evidence indicates that it is a complete work of fantasy, possibly composed by the Emperor Nero, the celebrity violinist who founded the Christian religion as we now know it.

To take an example at random: the character Moses is obviously fictional, and nothing but a corrupted form of the name Mo-hammed which, as I have discovered in my detailed researches, is a name known to Islamic scholars.

The Bible is full of historical errors; for example, we are asked to believe that Joseph was the son of Israel alias Jacob, and wore a coat of many colours; but when we next see him, betrothed to Mary, the coat is never mentioned, and several hundred years seem to have passed.

The husband of Mary?

Likewise, King Saul is supposed to be killed at Mount Gilboa, but guess what, he pops up again, alive, on the road to Damascus, and tries to fool us by changing his name to Paul. I have made a detailed study of Biblical names, and if Saul can be called Paul, then why isn't Solomon ever called Polomon? Even the Pope cannot answer that.

There is no historical evidence outside the Bible for the existence of any of the following in the 1st century AD: Jerusalem, the Emperor Caesar Augustus, sheep, or the Sea of Galilee. Well, I couldn't find any.

A mythical beast, as unreal as a unicorn or dragon

Christ's message of repression

Well, having disposed of the Bible, let's turn to the record of Christianity throughout the ages. Jesus Christ, who never existed by the way, had this message: I came not to send peace, but the sword (Matthew 10:34, in reality written by a bronze-age goatherd called Umbog the Deranged, but that's another story).

Over the years, Christians have seen their mission as one of death and slaughter. Hitler was a pious Catholic, who spent his summers in a monastery near Munich, reciting the Rosary. Stalin was a Russian Orthodox monk, sent out by his abbot to cause as much mayhem as possible - I have discovered that Stalin was not his real name, but the Vatican canonized him as St Alin, because he served their evil purposes so well. Mao was a Christian (his name is another version of "Moses"), who would have spent his life as a humble restaurant-manager, serving Set Meals for 4 with Fried Rice, if he had not been corrupted by fanatical missionaries.

The Baptism of Mao

The Death of Christianity

Luckily, the cult of Christianity is dying out. The churches are empty, and the Pope is reduced to employing actors to make the buildings seem used. Look at the picture below, alleged to show crowds in St Peter's Square, Rome.

A forged picture

But St Peter's Square isn't even in Rome, it's in Manchester, so no doubt the crowds were Manchester United supporters.

Proof that St Peter's Square isn't in Rome

"Saint" Peter was another of these shifty Biblical characters who changed their names. As a long-time scholar of the Bible I can reveal that his real name was Simon. But then lots of people in the Bible are called Simon - it's a corruption of "Someone," meaning that the writer doesn't have any concrete evidence for the existence of the person in question.

Thank goodness that the Queen herself is a committed atheist, who reads the works of Polly Toynbee in the bath (I have photographic evidence of this, but I choose not to publish it, as it would embarrass Her Majesty). But she is forced to pay lip-service to Christianity if she doesn't want to be executed like so many of her ancestors.

Her Majesty the Queen, a confirmed atheist

Prince Charles, describing himself as "Defender of all faiths," is waiting for the Queen's demise so that he can declare himself to be a rationalist, secularist and humanist. Prince William? Well he is a young man, and we can safely assume that he too is an atheist. Nowadays religious delusion is confined to the over-80s, most of whom are suffering from senile decay. Indeed, statistics show that over 98% in the under-40 age group have missed Mass on at least one Sunday in the last 10 years. Which proves my case.

I would like to express my thanks to Eccles for allowing me to put the record straight. May Polly bless you. R.O.

Dont kiss relicks

Ullo, Bosco my dere bruvver. It seems dat de Lord provided a mirackulous cure, and your concusion is gettin better. You will soon be back to normal behaviuor, i.e. beetin up anyone who mihgt be a Cathlic.

De storry of how God wruoght a mirackle is very good, and when de Book of Bosco (written by Eccles) is added to de Bibble, dis will be one of de bits dat de folks in church will reely stay awake for. What hapenned was dat Prince Willaim and Katte was doin a royal tour near us, and Bosco decided to go and tell dem dat dey wasnt saved. Dis we may reggard as de martydrom of Bosco, as when he rushed up to dem brandishin a Bibble he was immediately atacked by de Army, de FBI, de LA police, de boy scuots, de girl giudes and de mothers-and-toddlers group. Dey beet him voilently and he got a blow on de head which cured his concusion (actaully, Bosco is embarassed as it was one of de toddlers who hit him wiv her dolly).

When Bosco was cured we decidded to go to de Calumny Chappel for a service of thanksgivin, and we even persauded Anti Moly to come along, sayin dat we'd buy some gin on de way so dat she had somethin to occupy her mind durin de Pastor's homilly.

But it turned out badly: we was drivin Anti Moly to church, and we stopped at de trafic lihgts outside a Cathlic Church. De priest came out and saw de wizzened figure of my Great-Ant fast aslepe in de car, and said "Oh Bosco, dat is very kind of you to bring us de bonnes of an old lady. Is dat de relicks of a saint? I gonna kiss em." He oppened de car door and gave my anti a big KISS on de lips, but she hit him wiv a gin bottle and said "Traddy Cathlics I hates em all!" Well dats only fair, nobody likes bein mistakken for a relick. So we decidded to go home again.

Well, dats all for now. Bosco is still behavin a little strangley to my expert eye. He wants me to call him Nebbuchadnozzer and he is gonna sleep in de garden and eat grass. Maybe de concusion aint all gone.

I gotta pitcher of Bosco relaxin in de garden.