This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Thursday, 25 July 2013

New baby named after the Pope

The United Kingdom was thrown into a constitutional crisis yesterday, when it was revealed that the new royal baby - instead of being called Austin Cambridge, as would have been natural - is to be named George Alexander Louis; this is in clear homage to the Pope, whose original name is Jorge Mario Bergoglio.

royal baby

William, Kate and George - are they secretly Catholic?

As will be well known to most readers, the Catholic Church in Britain has a special constitutional role not shared by Anglicans, Methodists, Baptists, Muslims, Sikhs, Hindus etc. If Prince William has secretly become a Catholic - and naming his baby after the Pope is a clear hint that he has - then he will be unable to succeed to the throne. For Prince Charles, a member of the Organic Church of Plant-Worship, there is of course no such obstacle.

Pope Alexander VIII

Pope Alexander VIII.

The baby's second name comes from Pope Alexander VIII, an unfortunate man who is often confused with Alexander Pope, the poet. Prince William is known to be very fond of Pope's poetry, particularly the last lines of the Dunciad: these are astoundingly relevant to the state of Britain today, especially Westminster:

Religion blushing veils her sacred fires,
And unawares Morality expires.
Nor public Flame, nor private, dares to shine;
Nor human Spark is left, nor Glimpse divine!
Lo! thy dread Empire, Chaos! is restor'd;
Light dies before thy uncreating word:
Thy hand, great Anarch! lets the curtain fall;
And Universal Darkness buries All. 

Lo! thy dread Empire, Chaos! is restor'd.

So what of the baby's third name, Louis? Here there is no religious or political significance: it is simply that Princess Kate is a great fan of the most famous Louis who ever lived.

Louis Armstrong.

So, should Prince George fail to succeed to the throne, it is hoped that he will still be able to make his living as a Catholic trumpet-player.


  1. Dear Sir,
    If you think it is funny to have a go at the royals, just wait until they start stalking you on Twatter. And do not come whining to me with your sob stories when some post-traumatic ex-Afghan-disaster royal Star Wars pilot comes blasting your blog with rockets from an attack helicopter. Satire is no longer welcome - or indeed understood - in Britain. So at least expect an injunction.

    Yours etc. ad astra,
    Disproportionate of Tunbridge Wells

    1. I is following your advice and takin a rest from Twitter now, bruvver rabit. There's too many unsaved pussons tryin to pick fights.

  2. Good to see that we are keeping open the claim on the French crown!

  3. The exciting news is that I, Queen Jadis, have been asked to be his fairy godmother. I wonder if they have anything suitable in my local Nisa? Still missing Woolworths and their Ladybird range.

    1. Frankly I is a bit disappointed dat dey didnt call de baby Eccles Bosco.

    2. Have just found out that the invitation was sent to me by mistake. I am furious. Will be gatecrashing the Christening anyway, and putting an obscure curse on the lot of them. They had better check their attics for spinning wheels in 16 years time.

  4. A great post, Eccles! What can I say except that you help to keep my sanity, which is getting rather fragile these days.

    1. Thanks bruv, complements is always welcome.

  5. Can a Corgi become king or queen? Jist wondrin

  6. Yes, but when he grows up will he emulate Pope George Francis?

    Live in a bed-sit in Chelsea…? Drive a mini…? Take the bus…?

    Of course, under Uncle Harry’s influence he will likely visit some seedy places.

  7. They could have just as easily named him after one of the Beatles, or one of several American presidents, or even one of several British kings. Or George Burns. Or George Clooney. We probably shouldn't get our hopes up too much.

  8. Dear Eccles,

    Thank you for notifying me that Her Majesty has had a nipper.

    What's with the Louis bit ?

    One of your corrispondonts said it's the French wanting Calais back !!!

    i am confused.

    Best Wishes,