This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday, 5 June 2012

Rational Observations

This blog has been accused of pushing a strong pro-Christian line, and so, to redress the balance, we have a guest blogger today, Mr Rational Observations.

A rational observer

Our guest blogger, sunbathing

The Bible is all fiction

I have studied the Bible for over 60 years, and all the evidence indicates that it is a complete work of fantasy, possibly composed by the Emperor Nero, the celebrity violinist who founded the Christian religion as we now know it.

To take an example at random: the character Moses is obviously fictional, and nothing but a corrupted form of the name Mo-hammed which, as I have discovered in my detailed researches, is a name known to Islamic scholars.

The Bible is full of historical errors; for example, we are asked to believe that Joseph was the son of Israel alias Jacob, and wore a coat of many colours; but when we next see him, betrothed to Mary, the coat is never mentioned, and several hundred years seem to have passed.

Costume holy man

The husband of Mary?

Likewise, King Saul is supposed to be killed at Mount Gilboa, but guess what, he pops up again, alive, on the road to Damascus, and tries to fool us by changing his name to Paul. I have made a detailed study of Biblical names, and if Saul can be called Paul, then why isn't Solomon ever called Polomon? Even the Pope cannot answer that.

There is no historical evidence outside the Bible for the existence of any of the following in the 1st century AD: Jerusalem, the Emperor Caesar Augustus, sheep, or the Sea of Galilee. Well, I couldn't find any.

Unknown animal

A mythical beast, as unreal as a unicorn or dragon

Christ's message of repression

Well, having disposed of the Bible, let's turn to the record of Christianity throughout the ages. Jesus Christ, who never existed by the way, had this message: I came not to send peace, but the sword (Matthew 10:34, in reality written by a bronze-age goatherd called Umbog the Deranged, but that's another story).

Over the years, Christians have seen their mission as one of death and slaughter. Hitler was a pious Catholic, who spent his summers in a monastery near Munich, reciting the Rosary. Stalin was a Russian Orthodox monk, sent out by his abbot to cause as much mayhem as possible - I have discovered that Stalin was not his real name, but the Vatican canonized him as St Alin, because he served their evil purposes so well. Mao was a Christian (his name is another version of "Moses"), who would have spent his life as a humble restaurant-manager, serving Set Meals for 4 with Fried Rice, if he had not been corrupted by fanatical missionaries.

Baptism of Mao

The Baptism of Mao

The Death of Christianity

Luckily, the cult of Christianity is dying out. The churches are empty, and the Pope is reduced to employing actors to make the buildings seem used. Look at the picture below, alleged to show crowds in St Peter's Square, Rome.


A forged picture

But St Peter's Square isn't even in Rome, it's in Manchester, so no doubt the crowds were Manchester United supporters.

St Peter's Square

Proof that St Peter's Square isn't in Rome

"Saint" Peter was another of these shifty Biblical characters who changed their names. As a long-time scholar of the Bible I can reveal that his real name was Simon. But then lots of people in the Bible are called Simon - it's a corruption of "Someone," meaning that the writer doesn't have any concrete evidence for the existence of the person in question.

Thank goodness that the Queen herself is a committed atheist, who reads the works of Polly Toynbee in the bath (I have photographic evidence of this, but I choose not to publish it, as it would embarrass Her Majesty). But she is forced to pay lip-service to Christianity if she doesn't want to be executed like so many of her ancestors.

The Queen

Her Majesty the Queen, a confirmed atheist

Prince Charles, describing himself as "Defender of all faiths," is waiting for the Queen's demise so that he can declare himself to be a rationalist, secularist and humanist. Prince William? Well he is a young man, and we can safely assume that he too is an atheist. Nowadays religious delusion is confined to the over-80s, most of whom are suffering from senile decay. Indeed, statistics show that over 98% in the under-40 age group have missed Mass on at least one Sunday in the last 10 years. Which proves my case.

I would like to express my thanks to Eccles for allowing me to put the record straight. May Polly bless you. R.O.


  1. Is your guest blogger a friend of Mr. Gumbey? I was disappointed he did not show us how if you adds up all the numbers in the Bibble you gets to the same number as the square root of the Great Pyramid which tells you when the end of the world is nigh (I heard that from a man wot had a plackard in Hyde Park).

  2. Have you met the real rationalobservations, Jess? The man who seriously said "Abraham" meant "A Brahmin" and told us that the church was founded by Constantine. Bruvver Eccles is hardly exaggerating here.

    1. Yes - I thought his name must be ironic, as there are only a couple of posters whose observations are less rational!

    2. Ratty's finest hour was when C&Pd the entire contents of some nutcase's website into the Holy Smoke comments, complete with all the bits written in the first person. Which of course meant that it looked as if Ratty was saying all of that, which he wasn't (including some ramblings about Superman).

      When this was revealed he left with his tail between his legs and has only been seen very occassionally since. At one point he got into a deep theological debate with Bosco that lasted about 50 pages (or at least it felt like it).

      Of course that was Socrates vs Plato compared to the nonsense that we see there now.

    3. Ullo and welcome, Frank. I had forgotten about dat remorseless cuttin-and-pastin habit of his.

    4. I think he lives on an Observation Ward (Locked)

  3. The Manchester connection is even stronger than you think. For there is a building in St Peter's Square that looks exactly like the Pantheon, and if you go into the interior, on the first floor (cunningly disguised as the Social Sciences reading room). As your big brother Bosco will tell you, that is where pagan cathlicks kiss the toe of Jupiter. Of course Engels was connected with Manchester as well, and Phil Evans, Gerry Mac and Terry live nearby. Could it all be a plot?

    1. When Anti Moly is calm enuogh to travel, we must definitly go and see Manchester, which dey tells me is near de historick city of Stokcport.

    2. I have noted her absence on the DT blog - it manifests itself by an absence of moderated posts. Is she suffering from RSI in her reporting finger? Or was she so busy rolfing at the Jubilee celebrations that she failed to notice the tide coming in on the Thames, during the Pageant?

  4. I am shocked and horrified by these interesting revelations, particularly about the sheep not being Biblical. That explains a lot. I was once chased by a sheep and it was a frightening experience. Clearly it is not a Christian animal if it is not in the Bible, so my experience of the sheep as a demonic event is unsurprising and very interesting.

    Your guest bloggers are very interesting, doctor. Could we have a guest blogger who is a leprechaun, writing about the way the Irish have turned away from traditional fairy worship? I would find that quite interesting.

    1. I fink my geust blogger claims dat sheep are in de Bibble, and dat proves de Bibble is false. But I doesnt really see eye to eye wiv him on dis.

  5. I am beginning to understand what is meant by Rational Observations. So, if I am ever chased by a sheep in future, I should make sure I am carrying a heavy Bibble and I will bash its brains out. Will I then be sav'd, doctor?

    1. I am sure dat you is nearly saved alreddy, Proffesor Gubmey.