The Book of Covidicus 20: the Synod of Glasgow

Continued from Chapter 19.

1. It came to pass that Bo-sis tired of preaching the good news about masks and vixens, and turned his attention to prophesying the end of the world.

2. For the children of Br-tain were obediently getting their first jabs, their second jabs, and even their very important Booster Jabs.

3. Although, owing to a fault in the the supplies, some received Wooster Jabs instead, and cried out, saying, "What Ho! It is time to go and steal a cow-creamer!"

Entrance by invitation only.

4. However, Bo-sis was more worried that the world was about to be consumed by fire, and so he summoned a mighty synod called COP in the far wilderness known as Glasgow.

5. Thus from distant lands there came all the great and good, or at least all the rich, such as Bill Gates of Hell, Greta Thunderbird, Prince Charles (the mighty ruler who talked to the trees), and Joseph of Bidenia, who came with a train of four score and five camels, all bearing sanitary products.

6. And for forty days and forty nights (or at least it seemed like it) the synod raged on, as the guests explained how the the world could be saved if only all the people not present were to stop eating, drinking, taking shelter, and heating themselves, but would pay more taxes.

"Zzzz!" Boris payeth attention to the wise words ("Blah blah blah") of Greta.

7. Meanwhile, the COP synod had received a blessing from the Lord, and nobody present needed to wear masks, to take the vixen, or to be socially distant. Except the servants.

8. Then the rain descended, and the winds blew, as is normal in Glasgow for three hundred and three score days of the year. And the guests at the COP synod said, "Verily, this is due to climate change.

9. For, as the psalmist saith, Fire, hail, snow, ice, stormy winds which fulfill his word: all these are signs of climate change."

"Zzzz!" Another gripping moment at the synod.

10. So, after feasting and drinking, Bo-sis returned home, and planned what more he could do to serve the children of Bri-tain.

11. "Now we must ban fossil fuels," said he. "No longer will people be allowed to burn the Ammonites, the Belemnites, or the Trilobites."

12. For these were neighbouring tribes that the children of Bri-tain were wont to burn to heat their homes.

13. "From now on we have Net Zero," he explained. "In the day time, the sun will heat your homes, and at night ye shall use heat pumps. And probably die."

"Each time thou burnest an ammonite part of Manchester disappeareth under water. So there's a plus side to everything."

14. Thus the children of Bri-tain learned that the plague was not the most serious thing that threatened them.

Continued in Chapter 21.

Wot Eccles did on his hols

Well I took a few days off from de hurly-burly of Notting Hell, and decided to go round England seein some of de sites. My first trip was a trian journey to Manchester, cos I wanted to see de famous town of Eccles; also I got a fan in Altrincham, wot spends all her time screen-cappin everyfink I says on Twitter and puttin it into a big scrapbook.

We leaves Euston in a Pendalino.

Dis aint gonna be a partickularly spiritaully nuorishin story, but I will try and mentoin some of de fings dat happened. Fust, it was a Friday when I left, and de trian got very crowded.

After some commuters got on at Nuneaton.

Later on, our Virgin trian was delayed, and it seemed dat dere weren't no Richard Branson on it to complane to. But I later found out wot de problem was.

Unsaved pussons on de line near Rugeley.

Still, the juorney eventaully came to and end, and I reached de North.

Manchester.

So I went to see my grate admirer in Altrincham, wot had invited me round for a cup of tea and a Pengiun.

My fan in Altrincham.

In fact she kept me a prisoner in her house for 4 days (all de doors and winders was locked) as she wanted to read to me from her bound copies of de luvvly Vatican II documents, some of which I doesn't know very well. I eventaully escaped and hid behind a sofa.

Hidin behind de sofa.

When I got away, my next destinatoin was Corby, cos de Archbishop is a great hero of mine. I took a photo of his cathedrall.

Corby Cathedrall.

He was givvin a specail lecture in my honour called "How Eccles brought me spiritaul nuorishment" (6 p.m. to 4 a.m.). To put it simply, I contradicts all logical paradimgs and I show that, following St Augustine's anti-donatism and anti-pelagianism, it is imperative to court the panoptically hypostasized tasks of intertextual grounding.

De audience listened in rapt attentoin.

About 2 a.m. he said "finally", and so I knew dere was only anuvver couple of hours to go. After Corby, dere was just time to head down to de south coast, stoppin on de way to see a deacon in Crodyon wot is a grate friend of mine, althuogh he does like screemin "sockpoppet" at poeple he aint met before.

De deacon is keepin a dossier on me.

And so we gets to Brihgton.

I'm fairly sure dis is de Brihgton pavillion.

Well, not much else to record reely. I went to de seaside to paddle, but de tide was out.

Brihgton Beach. A deep-sea diver returns to land.

And so back to Notting Hell, refreshed, and still a saved pusson.

---

I aint never put dis on my blogg, but I recently persauded my Bruvver Bosco to get baptised, which he hadnt done before. Here is a touchin snap of de occasoin.

My bruvver Bosco, bein baptised.

Rational Observations

This blog has been accused of pushing a strong pro-Christian line, and so, to redress the balance, we have a guest blogger today, Mr Rational Observations.

Our guest blogger, sunbathing

The Bible is all fiction

I have studied the Bible for over 60 years, and all the evidence indicates that it is a complete work of fantasy, possibly composed by the Emperor Nero, the celebrity violinist who founded the Christian religion as we now know it.

To take an example at random: the character Moses is obviously fictional, and nothing but a corrupted form of the name Mo-hammed which, as I have discovered in my detailed researches, is a name known to Islamic scholars.

The Bible is full of historical errors; for example, we are asked to believe that Joseph was the son of Israel alias Jacob, and wore a coat of many colours; but when we next see him, betrothed to Mary, the coat is never mentioned, and several hundred years seem to have passed.

The husband of Mary?

Likewise, King Saul is supposed to be killed at Mount Gilboa, but guess what, he pops up again, alive, on the road to Damascus, and tries to fool us by changing his name to Paul. I have made a detailed study of Biblical names, and if Saul can be called Paul, then why isn't Solomon ever called Polomon? Even the Pope cannot answer that.

There is no historical evidence outside the Bible for the existence of any of the following in the 1st century AD: Jerusalem, the Emperor Caesar Augustus, sheep, or the Sea of Galilee. Well, I couldn't find any.

A mythical beast, as unreal as a unicorn or dragon

Christ's message of repression

Well, having disposed of the Bible, let's turn to the record of Christianity throughout the ages. Jesus Christ, who never existed by the way, had this message: I came not to send peace, but the sword (Matthew 10:34, in reality written by a bronze-age goatherd called Umbog the Deranged, but that's another story).

Over the years, Christians have seen their mission as one of death and slaughter. Hitler was a pious Catholic, who spent his summers in a monastery near Munich, reciting the Rosary. Stalin was a Russian Orthodox monk, sent out by his abbot to cause as much mayhem as possible - I have discovered that Stalin was not his real name, but the Vatican canonized him as St Alin, because he served their evil purposes so well. Mao was a Christian (his name is another version of "Moses"), who would have spent his life as a humble restaurant-manager, serving Set Meals for 4 with Fried Rice, if he had not been corrupted by fanatical missionaries.

The Baptism of Mao

The Death of Christianity

Luckily, the cult of Christianity is dying out. The churches are empty, and the Pope is reduced to employing actors to make the buildings seem used. Look at the picture below, alleged to show crowds in St Peter's Square, Rome.

A forged picture

But St Peter's Square isn't even in Rome, it's in Manchester, so no doubt the crowds were Manchester United supporters.

Proof that St Peter's Square isn't in Rome

"Saint" Peter was another of these shifty Biblical characters who changed their names. As a long-time scholar of the Bible I can reveal that his real name was Simon. But then lots of people in the Bible are called Simon - it's a corruption of "Someone," meaning that the writer doesn't have any concrete evidence for the existence of the person in question.

Thank goodness that the Queen herself is a committed atheist, who reads the works of Polly Toynbee in the bath (I have photographic evidence of this, but I choose not to publish it, as it would embarrass Her Majesty). But she is forced to pay lip-service to Christianity if she doesn't want to be executed like so many of her ancestors.

Her Majesty the Queen, a confirmed atheist

Prince Charles, describing himself as "Defender of all faiths," is waiting for the Queen's demise so that he can declare himself to be a rationalist, secularist and humanist. Prince William? Well he is a young man, and we can safely assume that he too is an atheist. Nowadays religious delusion is confined to the over-80s, most of whom are suffering from senile decay. Indeed, statistics show that over 98% in the under-40 age group have missed Mass on at least one Sunday in the last 10 years. Which proves my case.

I would like to express my thanks to Eccles for allowing me to put the record straight. May Polly bless you. R.O.