British values versus Christian values

Apparently School inspectors want new powers to tackle faith schools that 'clash with British values'. Let us take an in-depth look at what is meant by British values.

Britannia (or Britannius?) Keen on diversity, same-sex marriage, and transgenderism.

British values were first developed in the age of Prehistoric Britain, which is supposed to have started in about 500,000 B.C. (give or take a few months). In those days schoolchildren were taught to paint themselves with woad - blue for boys, pink for girls - and any kid who wore the wrong colour woad was told to stop being silly.

Diversity was not really popular in those days. The ancient British were very worried about invasions of ancient Franks and Germans - which is why they dug the English Channel - but probably more worried about woolly mammoths.

MAMMOTHS KEEP OUT. Coming over here, eating our cabbages, ...

Presumably the exploits of Adam and Eve were known about, but Christian values were at a rather primitive state.

So let us go forward to 1707, when Britain arose from out the azure main (as the song has it), and became a kingdom including England, Wales and Scotland. What were British values then?

Well, same-sex marriage still wasn't very popular (it basically went out of fashion around the time of Nero, with occasional unsuccessful revivals, as in the time of Edward II), and transgenderism was limited to hairy Scotsmen wearing kilts. Equality and diversity were definitely continental notions (especially after 1789), and shunned by all decent people.

A despised member of society, but only because of the bagpipes.

Christianity was mainly of the Protestant variety, although not a lot like the modern Church of England. People got their ideas mostly from the New Testament, rather than "Thought for the Day". Tolerance and respect for idiots, not being a Christian virtue, was virtually unknown.

So far so good, British values were not all that far from Christian values. Possibly empire-building, fighting the French, and so on, were not entirely in accordance with God's plans, but they were more-or-less OK.

So what is the problem in religious schools these days? Well, at St Custard's we have this:

"Please sir, I want to be a girl." Six of the best for you, Molesworth, sa Headmaster GRIMES chiz chiz chiz

And at St Trinians Catholic School they found this practical way of dealing with an Anglican who enrolled by mistake:

I won't describe the scenes of carnage that followed when St Trinians played hockey against St Aisha's School for the Daughters of Muslim Gentlefolk. 11-0, with 8 Aishains retired hurt. Still, St Trinians girls met their match when the boys girls of St Bruce's Caitlin's Transgender Academy challenged them. It was not a pretty sight.

Anyway, given a choice between Christian values and modern "British values", I think it's time to change my name to Eccleczyk, and declare myself to be Polish.

What is a prominent Catholic?

Fifty prominent Catholics have written a letter on welfare reform to the Tablet. Since it was behind a paywall (the so-called "Dark Web"), we would initially have needed a subscription to read it, so we have had to wait two weeks to find out who the fifty prominent Catholics are. My guess was Chris Patten, Eamon Duffy, old Uncle Ed Stourton and all, but I was wrong.

A prominent Catholic, but one who doesn't like people writing to the press.

One of the letter-writers is Tina Beattie, modestly described as "Professor of Catholic Studies, Director, The Digby Stuart Research Centre for Religion, Society and Human Flourishing (DSRC), Digby Stuart College, University of Roehampton". Oh, THAT Tina Beattie. Not Tina Beattie the all-in wrestler, as I first thought.

Others are given the label "retired teacher", when we could at least have been told they were "retired teacher of geometry, geography and human flourishing, St Trinian's Catholic Comprehensive".

A prominent Catholic schoolteacher.

Apart from dear Tina, whose name will be well known to readers of this blog, the only name that I recognised instantly was David Lodge, the comic novelist. Not exactly a Wodehouse or even a Pratchett, but I did enjoy Changing Places. He apparently describes himself as a once orthodox Roman Catholic becoming less and less so as time went on. Yes, that's clear from his writing.

Splendid! The two most prominent signatories to the letter are about as far away from Catholic orthodoxy as you can get without actually sacrificing virgins to Apollo. Typical Tablet readers, and indeed Tina herself is a director and trustee.

Bernard Cribbins, Peter Sellers, and David Lodge

Oh, that may not be the right David Lodge.

After that, it gets more difficult to recognise any of the names. Two members of the Banbury Justice and Peace Group have signed the letter. Splendid people, I am sure, as you never hear of injustice or war breaking out in Banbury. But not prominent, perhaps. Another signatory calls herself "Union of Catholic Mothers". An odd name for a lady, or do we assume that the entire union signed the letter?

Note that "prominent Catholics" are not the same as "top Catholics", who are generally rich and famous people like the president of Adobe. For example, Prof. Tina Beattie will not be rich and famous until Hammer Horror agree to film God's Mother, Eve's Advocate.

To be a prominent Catholic all you have to do is say "look at me! look at me!" However, those who do look at you will say things like "Oh look, it's that old bat from St Trinian's; she's being prominent again. Pretend we haven't seen her."

A prominent top Catholic. But you couldn't afford him.

Girl Guides become inclusive and relevant

The Girl Guides' new pledge will drop the boring bits about loving God and serving one's country in favour of the following promise: I promise that I will do my best: to be true to myself and develop my beliefs, to serve the Queen and my community, to help other people and to keep the Guide law - this is all in the interests of becoming "truly inclusive and relevant to the reality of 21st century Britain."

We therefore asked a typical girl guide, Gill Slocombe (aged 10), to explain this to us.

One way a girl can be true to herself and develop her beliefs.

Eccles: Gill, do girl guides still do good deeds?

Gill: Ooh, yes, Eccles. For example, I saw a pregnant lady on the bus today.

E: You offered her your seat, then?

G: No, no. I simply helped her off the bus and took her into the local branch of the Family Planning Association. See? I've got my "Family Planning" badge now. I wear it next to my "Faith Awareness" badge.

Faith awareness.

E: Tell me about the "Faith Awareness" badge. Did you get that by attending church?

G: Attending church? What are you, some sort of religious maniac? No, I shopped my local priest to the police - he's a homophobic bigot you know, he told us that marriage was something to do with men and women! They'll be sending him down for 30 years.

E: Oh I see. Now tell me how you are "truly inclusive and relevant to the reality of 21st century Britain."

G: Oh just the usual things. Reading the Guardian, "liking" wind farms on Facebook, shooting my father with a water pistol...

How to be relevant to the reality of 21st century Britain.

E: Yes, well violence is very relevant to society. I'd hate to think that you might have a deprived childhood, and be unable to participate it it.

G: Oh, I do participate, Eccles.

Charles Naasti shows how violence is very relevant to society.

E: Well, you are certainly a model girl guide, Gill. One last badge to finish off?

Film lover.

G: Yes, I got this one for going to the cinema to see The invasion of the sex-crazed lesbian vicars from Croydon. It was either that or The Hobbit, and being a pacifist I really hate Tolkien's violent scenes.

E: Gill Slocombe, thank you for explaining the realities of modern guiding.

No, no, Gill. This is not the time to earn your "arson" badge.

Dr Eccles's casebook

We are pleased to be able to publish some of the casenotes of the learned psycho-analyst, Dr Eccles. Some of the names have been disguised in order to maintain patient confidentiality.

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Stephen F.

Patient S is an alleged intellectual giant, although it is hard to determine a precise area of knowledge on which he is a world authority. In a St Trinians film, playing the part of a quizmaster, he managed to get wrong the formula for the volume of a sphere, so he is clearly not a scientist. Still, I went along with his belief that he is an intellectual, as he will run away to Belgium in a huff if he doesn't get his own way.

S came to see me because he had developed a compulsion for giggling at inappropriate things. He showed me a joke about child abuse (basically a picture of the Pope with a lewd caption added); he had tweeted this to his millions of adoring fans and spambots, simply in order to get a cheap laugh at the expense of the Catholic church.

Now add a clever-clever caption about child abuse.

I am exploring S's other mental deficiencies - for example, he thinks the word "bottoms" is hilariously funny - and trying to work out whether there is a common pattern. Meanwhile, I am advising him to avoid funerals, memorial services, mosques, churches and Liberal Democrat conferences, where unseemly sniggering may get him into trouble.

Doctor's note - do not let this patient pay by credit card.

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Tina B.

Patient T is a real intellectual giant, being a professor, no less, at Roehampton University (formerly the Oona Stannard School of Liturgical Dancing for Young Ladies). She tells me she is a Professor of Catholic Studies, but her enemies say that she is a Catholic in the same way that the Professor of Animal Behaviour is a Cat.

T came to me in a very distressed state, saying that she was now a laughing stock in the Catholic world, because her very exciting lecture on Lumen Gentium - why the Virgin Mary teaches us that gay relationships are the best was cancelled by the Diocese of Clifton for no obvious reason. What is more, her Beattie-platitudes or "Beattietudes" (e.g. Blessed are ye if ye preach against the Pope, because Tina will love you) were not regarded as highly as the original teaching in the Sermon on the Mount.

Doctor's note - needs to cut down on the Tablets.

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Will 'the smirk' come to haunt Thompson?

Patient D writes a universally-despised blog for a national newspaper, together with a dumbed-down Saturday column in which he strings together lots of trivial ideas. Currently he is editing the writings of the late Gladys Mills, which will appear next year as The Fit or The Gladys Mills fitness programme.

The quiet dignity of Mrs Mills, one of the greats of piano-playing

D has been mocked many times because of the ancient picture at the head of his blog. It shows a middle-aged character, wearing his old school blazer, whose expression has been variously described as "sneering" or "smirking." This grinning picture is used even on the rare occasions when D decides to treat a serious subject such as terrorism. Although not a compulsive sniggerer like S (q.v.) the patient D lacks that sense of self-awareness which should make him avoid such blunders.

Doctor's note - don't mention religion, it only upsets him.

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This patient believes he is being attacked by a giant bird

Lastly, N came to see me. Claims to be some sort of politician. He is worried that everyone who disagrees with him on any subject at all may be a bigot.

I mentioned Gladstone, Asquith and Lloyd George. He had not heard of them, but I told him that they were leaders of the party that he now serves. In order to stop him from biting my carpet, I persuaded him that they were all pioneers in the "gay marriage" movement.

Diagnosis: I believe the patient may have Brown's Syndrome, under which a person gets hysterical if they are disagreed with.

Doctor's note - that's odd, someone seems to have thrown my laser-printer out of the window.