This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Friday 22 May 2020

The Book of Covidicus, Chapter 4 - staying alert

Continued from Chapter 3.

1. Then Bosis ceased to harden his heart, and said "From now on a new commandment I give unto you: STAY ALERT. Also ye must CONTROL THE VIRUS and SAVE LIVES."

2. And the people were now allowed to leave their dwellings more than once a day, although they must remain at a distance of four cubits from one another.

Boris stays alert

Bosis and the three commandments.

3. But the Scottites and the Welshites mocked him, saying, "We cannot ask our people to stay alert, for they know not what this means. So we will ask them to stay at home, watching the box that is called Goggle and Magoggle."

4. And it was so.

5. However, the Scottites also told their people that they might go out if they played the bagpipes, thus encouraging their neighbours to stay at a distance of a thousand cubits from them.

6. Now, many years ago, the LORD had placed a rainbow in the sky, as a sign of His Covenant with Man, to show that never again would the world be drowned by waters, not even in the land of Manchester where it raineth every day.

7. But the dwellers in the Cities of the Plain, which are called Elbee and Geetee, had taken the rainbow unto themselves, saying that it was a sign that they would not be destroyed for their wickedness.

8. Then those who worshipped the doctors, the nurses, the hospital accountants and their equality and diversity officers said "Let us also use the rainbow, as a sign of God's favour to us."

Rainbow wars

This means war!

9. But the people of Elgee and Beetee waxed wroth, saying "The rainbow is sacred unto us, and cannot be stolen by the doctors."

10. "Moreover, ye have cancelled our parades, that are called Pride, in which we are joined by officers of the law, whereby we may explain to the children how wondrous is our lifestyle."

11. Hence the sufferings of the people of Elgee and Beetee were greater than any others known at this time.

12. Meanwhile, the people continued to argue about the meaning of the words "four cubits", and asked Bosis for guidance.

Take your bed

There came an answer.

13. So Bosis spake, saying, "Take up thy bed and walk, for thy bed is four cubits long, unless thou be Og of Bashan."

14. (For, as it is recorded, Og's bedstead was a bedstead of iron. Nine cubits was the length thereof, and four cubits the breadth of it.)

15. Bosis also suggested that a man might otherwise carry around three cabinets known as fridge, but in the end nobody was strong enough to do this.

16. Then there came a decree from Caesar Agatesus, that all the world should be vaxxed.

Caesar Agatesus, the most powerful man in the world.

17. This Agatesus was a wealthy potentate, who had obtained a vast fortune by selling unto the people windows that would not stay open.

18. And now he had found a strange vixen, with which he claimed to cure all the ills of the world.

19. So Bosis, and his servant Matthew, of the tribe of Hanoch, were deeply troubled, and they thought hard about whether the people of Bri-tain should receive the strange vixen of Agatesus.

Continued in Chapter 5.


  1. In years to come, this could be a history lesson.

  2. 1. And so did the followers of the Prophet Bo-Sis languish in the desert of Sinai19.

    2. For it had been foretold to them that they would languish for 7 times 77 weeks until they should reach the Promised Land of Bri-Tain,

    3. But they had conceived of false thoughts in their hearts, for their Prophet the great Bo-Sis had disappeared into the Holy Mountain of Quar'N'Tine,

    4. And Bo-sis had promised to return with strong Commandments.

    5. And yet the people of Bri-Tain remembered the false promises of the leopard-skin temptress, the Dancing Queen of Mayba-Mayba-Not.

    6. And lo did the people despair.

    7. And they erected a Golden Idol,

    8. That they would adore every sundown with dances and clapping of hands,

    9. And they neglected the Word of God,

    10. But they made many golden idols and hilltop groves to worship

    11. Our PachaNHS.

    12. For it had been foretold that the anger of the Earth

    13. Would come from rejecting the Lauds that must be, and the Happiness of Sex,

    14. And it was said that those evil, straight, white Jewish males,

    15. Would be bigoted, as they would be racist, and as they would be phobes of the Holy Manycoloured Rainbow Alphabet People.

    16. But LO !!

    17. Into these revelries appeared BO-SIS !!!

    18. Carrying in his arms the Ten Commandments of Brexit.

    19. And seeing the corruption of his diseased people,

    20. As they cavorted before a Moloch that they fed their elderly and unborn into,

    21. So that they might be consumed in the flames of future climates,

    22. Then did Bo-Sis cast down the 10 Commandments of Quar'N'Tine,

    23. Although Alas !! the only ones that I can remember offhand, are

    24. Thou shalt have no god before the Supreme European Soviet,


    25. Thou shalt keep thy hand well away fr’the stranger, and the widow, and the orphan,

    26. But yeah shallt ye stay alert,

    27. And may the tweeter birds howl in dismay,

    28. As our PachaNHS idols, are rudely tossed into the Dead Sea.

  3. Agatesus is very creepy on his own, but when you add his vixen, it's a whole new level of creep. He seems to be omnipresent, so I'm guessing the travel restrictions of the various countries don't affect him.

  4. Covidicus 3.5 is hilarious!
    Someone's (I can't remember whose) definition of a gentleman was a man who can play the bagpipes - but doesn't.