This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday, 13 December 2014

Only cute pets can go to Heaven

As is usual nowadays, Fr Federico Lombardi has clarified the off-the-cuff remarks of Pope Francis that all God's creatures are saved. "What the Holy Father really said," he explained, "is that all cute animals are saved." The offer does not apply to the Hound of the Baskervilles, for example; and pit bull terriers will still end up in the pits of Hades.

cute kittens

Cute enough to be saved.

It was explained that, whereas Jesus died to save humans from their sins, animals as such do not have a great idea of the difference between Good and Evil, being in that respect something like Members of Parliament or Guardian-readers. For instance, how do you tell the difference between a good crocodile and a bad crocodile when it's biting your leg off? Moreover, it would be inconvenient to have crocodiles wandering round Heaven, even ones equipped with angels' wings.

unsaved crocodile

An optimistic crocodile sings "Amazing Grace".

C.S. Lewis once said that a Heaven for mosquitoes could be combined with a Hell for humans. Nowadays, modern teaching has largely abolished the idea of Hell, and Good and Evil are replaced with Niceness - see the Niceone Creed for details. Nevertheless, being able to decide whether one is saved simply on the basis of one's Cuteness applies only to animals, and not to humans. For example, many of the saints were not at all cute.

John the Baptist

John the Baptist - as un-cute as Russell Brand but still saved.

Fr Lombardi added that simply possessing a cute pet was not an automatic guarantee for salvation: the pet itself would have to abandon its owner in the afterlife. Cats, for example, will do this without any scruples.

Blofeld and cat

Only one of these is saved. Can you work out which it is?

According to Biblical teaching, God has decided that sheep are saved, and goats are not; this does indeed follow the principle of "cuteness", as goats are not generally regarded as cute animals. Indeed it is hard to imagine Pope Francis trying to gain credibility by walking around with an unsaved goat round his neck. Q.E.D.

Pope and lamb

The Pope poses with a saved creature.


  1. Encouraged by the Pope's wonderful new off-the-cuff popular Franciscan theology, I am delighted to know that heaven will be filled with animals. There is a slight problem however, because I have four donkeys aged between three and six years and they live to about forty, so will be around long after I am gone (hopefully to heaven). So they will have new owners before arriving in heaven. I therefore turn to Mark 12:23 for clarification on this matter, but see that Jesus is less clear on this promble than is the Pope. Thank God He's not running the Church, and good on you Pope Francis for putting the animals in heaven; but no dogs please.

  2. Pope Francis may be on to something here. Dogs are undoubtedly religious creatures and, unlike cats, worship their owners. In Scotland Greyfriars' Bobby seems to have had some expectation of his master's resurrection while, in Wales, the faithful Gelert saved his master's child. In the Book of Tobit we read of Tobias's dog who, together with the archangel Raphael, accompanied him on his journey- clearly a very holy dog.

  3. Clearly, the traditional animal film, "The 101 Dalmatics" gives good traditionalist insight as to the state of the animal soul so abused by homo sapiens. But ultimately we should take note from "A Man Called Horse" to realise how saved is the animal spirit.

  4. When he wandered round with a goat round his neck Francis was only kidding.

  5. Dear Sir,
    Here in Tunbridge Wells ACTA we have been attempting to implement Summorum Pontificum in our own democratic way for the past several years. However, despite managing to gather thirteen signatures demanding the ritual sacrifice of a chicken on the altar at our Sunday Mass, the parish priest refuses to comply. Thank God for a progressive pope who wants to see more involvement from animals in the church.

    Yours, etc. and weather forecast,
    Ferdinand Mass Trousers
    (Provisional Chicken Coordinator)

  6. Irrefutable, as always.

  7. As former Queen Empress of Narnia, I would like to point out that CS Lewis, in "The Last Battle" had Aslan make his selection for Heaven only from among those animals which had the power of speech.

    On that basis, in your Universe, Heaven will contain only parrots, and that dog off the Esther Rantzen show who could say "Sausages".

    The rest of them, like me, will be sent to Stockport.

  8. He's wrong. Dogs are awful!

    But I now have reasonable hope I shall meet up with Dinky (one ear) and Misty (one eye), they were both very quarrelsome, again!