Harriet Harman linked to sinister organization

MP Harriet Harman was under increasing pressure today to grovel on the floor and apologise, after six days of uncomfortable questions about claims in the Daily Mail that she had had links with the Labour Party since the 1970s.

An incriminating photo from the 1980s.

The Labour Party, although currently very much a secret organization - so secret that nobody can remember the name of its leader - has in past times been very influential as a pressure group. It is said that Harriet Harman is still a member of a "shadowy cabinet" consisting of Labour Party members.

A nightmarish sigil used by "LP" members.

In fact, although the Daily Mail has made much of Harriet Harman's alleged connections in the last week, this is scarcely news to experienced Harman-watchers. For example the satirical magazine Private Eye has long claimed that Harman was associated with a man known only as "Gordon" who disappeared mysteriously in May 2010. Another person who has not hesitated to expose the sordid facts about Harman is Damian Thompson of the Telegraph: in a hard-hitting article "How Hattie’s friends defended socialism" he also revealed that MP Michael Fabricant has a bad hairstyle (I'm not making this bit up).

The man with pre-fabricated hair.

The LP, as it is known, has been associated with many dubious activities; for example, it was at one time led by a mysterious "Tony", who invaded Iraq looking for "weapons of Mass Destruction" - ironically, since he later took refuge in the Catholic church, where Mass destruction has been taking place for many years. The LP is seen by many as a severe threat to children, having permitted numerous deaths by abortion and the closure of adoption agencies. More recently, most of its members have enthusiastically embraced the destruction of traditional marriage and family life.

Leo XIII - a leftie pope, but he would be horrified by Harriet Harman.

It is clear that this scandal is not going to go away, and, until Harriet Harman apologises for her links with the LP - which, after all, might be seen as a simple error of judgement - she is going to be under increasing pressure to quit.

Damian Thompson Q&A

Now, I've got something to ask you, Damian.

Welcome to Telegraph Comment's live Q&A, where Damian Thompson answers your questions on religion, music, hairdressing and custard.

The Archbishop of Corby: Damian, sweetie, how do you get your hair looking so wonderful? What's it like being such a talented writer? Does it frighten you to think that you are worshipped as a god in seventeen separate countries? Where would the Catholic Church be today if it were not for your intervention? Why not visit Corby this weekend? Custard is 20p off at Asda.

DT: I rinse my hair in custard every night, Paul. As for the rest, I'm too modest to reply.

Worshippers of Damian Thompson discuss addiction.

Phil Trollhurst, alias Phil Evans, Daryl Brown, Deborah Comments, Vilepuffin, etc.: Now that Pope Francis has renewed the Spirit of Vatican II and said that he plans to allow gay bishops to marry each other, don't you think it is time for all the traddies to leave the Catholic Church? Wasn't Hans Küng right all along?

DT: Speak later, Phil.

Dignity in worship: Phil takes a leaf out of Bosco's book.

Micky Dross: It's so dreadfully unfair how your moderators censor free speech, Damian. All I want to do is to post links to anti-Catholic articles in the Huffalump Post, and they are removed straight away. Oh, and "mollusc porn", of course, but that's a very specialised interest.

Mollusc porn.

DT: As editor of Telegraph blogs I have no control over the moderators, or anyone else. In fact (edited by a muddlerator).

Fr Alfred Haddock: Doth not even nature itself teach you, that, if a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him? 1 Corinthians 11:14.

DT: Oh, absolutely. I mean, look at A.C. Grayling. But don't look at Alan Massie, as he's one of ours.

Shameful.

Eccles: Ullo, Damian. Is you saved?

DT: Well, that's all we've got time for now.

Saint of the Week

St Damian the Obscure.

A member of the order of St Custard, St Damian is another medieval saint about whom many astounding legends have grown up.

Damian is believed to have come from humble stock, his ancestors having been ferret-farmers near Reading. Damian himself was a learned man, and was sent to Oxenford to study for a degree in HHT (History, Hairdressing and Theology), the most prestigious degree offered at that time.

Father Sidney James, Damian's tutor in theology and hairdressing.

In those days Damian was something of a lady's man, breaking the hearts of many virtuous maidens who came his way. However, he resolved to devote himself to God, and in particular the maintenance of traditional Catholic values.

Cristina Odone - after meeting Damian she devoted her life to good works.

At that time the Council of Trent was meeting, and Damian - a traditionalist who adhered to the Sarum Rite - was anxious to fight its modernist tendencies with all the powers at his disposal. Indeed, his polemics brought him to the attention of Cardinal Murphy, who attempted unsuccessfully to procure his excommunication.

Cardinal Murphy admits defeat.

In his later years, Damian took a less active part in church politics, although he maintained a pious and virtuous life; his contemporaries noted that he was a master of the German art of Schadenfreude, and that his enemies were invariably cast down. For example, the miraculous downfall of Christopher the Hun is generally attributed to the intervention of St Damian.

Conclusive proof that Christopher the Hun was not driving his chariot.

Damian's final years were spent in madness. Each week he sent out a deranged letter to his disciples, written in green ink, in which he discussed random topics such as cummerbunds, hairdressers and custard, but nobody could bear to read them. He eventually succumbed to a surfeit of cupcakes.

Prayer to St Damian: O blessed St Damian, who saved the Church in its hour of peril, intercede for us, that we may be blessed with a good head of hair, that we may avoid unseemly fatness, and that we may avoid all forms of addiction. Help us to write, as thou didst write, even when we have nothing to say. Amen.

Damian Thompson exercises the right of reply

Damian Thompson, posing with a group of his most loyal readers.

I have always regarded Eccles as one of the most valued commentators on my Telegraph blog: his comments, made from the perspective of a truly saved person, have invariably been incisive and witty, and it was a great loss to all of us when he left the "Holy Smoke" community and decided to concentrate on his own blog.

Eccles - a man with very good hair.

Of course I do have one or two other brilliant commentators, with whom I engage regularly on my blog. For example, there is Eccles's Auntie Moly or "molybdenite," who may be a senile gin-soaked old thug, but who is nonetheless always ready to insult people in a way that I can only dream of emulating. Another person whose comments I appreciate is "Sister Muriel," from the church of St Daryl the Apostate down in the southwest, who tells me he is "a priest in good standing, sweetie."

But I digress. Eccles and I have shared many good times together, and I am very grateful to him for giving some publicity to the new hair salon that I have just opened. Here clients can get a truly Catholic haircut while listening to the sound of Gladys Mills playing Bach's Well-tempered Clavier.

My new hair salon

One question that I don't have the space to answer today is: "How on earth did a brilliant journalist like Cristina Odone, The John Humphrys of the Telegraph blogs as she calls herself, ever condescend to join my team?" Eccles describes her as "Damian's cook," and it is true that I rely on her for my morning cupcakes, but she is also a brilliant interrogator, one who does not hesitate to shout abuse at Chris Patten when we hear his voice on the Today Programme.

Eccles does not seem to have fully explained my relations with the "Magic Circle" of bishops which constitutes the main Vaticosceptic opposition to Pope Benedict XVI in this country. He seems to believe that I am in some ways less than totally enthusiastic about Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor. Well, this is not the case - I regard Cormac as a mentor, and as one of my closest friends.

The Cormac Singers performing Happy Birthday in my honour.

Indeed, at present I am rather worried because the Pope has sent Cormac off to Bangladesh as his special envoy - an arduous trip for an 80-year-old man, which will involve his sleeping in a snake-infested mangrove swamp and living on a diet of frogs and insects. If he survives this, the Holy Father is next proposing to send Cormac as special envoy to the South Pole in his unique Mission to the Penguins.

It's all right, Cardinal, I don't eat meat on Fridays.

Apart from that, Eccles's blog seems to be 100% accurate. As he claims, he is still staying with his aunt as my guest at Castle Thompson, and he really is one of my closest friends: I certainly would not be able to write my weekly Telegraph column without his invaluable ideas.

Thanks to Eccles, I am not unknown in Latin-speaking circles!

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A scene from the Wizard of Oz. The Wicked Witch reads out an evil incantation.

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Men! Do second-rate journalists mock your hair? Come to Damiano's, the renowned hairdresser's and beauty parlour.

Damiano is waiting to give you a truly Catholic hairstyle.

Relax to the soothing sounds of Gladys Mills playing Bach's monumental The bad-tempered ferret, while Damiano (Il Barbiere di Notting Hill) gives you a haircut that nobody will dare to mock.

For the middle-aged client with too much hair, the "Boris" is now out of fashion, and Damiano recommends:

The "Michael" Fabrication, a Damiano speciality.

While, for the older balding man looking for love, the "Andrew Neil" look is no longer recommended, and Damiano now suggests:

The "Silvio," as sprayed on by Damiano himself.

Advice on keeping your weight down is also available, while, for the ladies, Signora Cristina will soon be opening a special department dealing with beauty problems.