This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Sunday, 28 October 2012

A few advertisements

Dawkins horror mask

MMMWHAHAHA! It's the Richard Dawkins horror mask!

You've seen Damian Thompson, you've seen Cristina Odone. But now, scarier than either, is the perfect accessory for Hallowe'en.

Cause real terror in your neighbourhood this Hallowe'en as you jump out at your neighbours and scream the dreadful words "GOD PROBABLY DOES NOT EXIST!!!" Watch them run for cover, as they think you are about to plug one of Dawkins's dreadful books!

Walk into a Catholic cathedral, and see the bishop hastily turn to the exorcism rite! Watch priests go into hiding, fearful that you may try and arrest them!

Warning: we recommend that you do not inflict Dawkins on children under the age of 45, elderly people with weak hearts, or the Pope.

New Tablet Computer on sale

The perfect device for those who hate Catholicism but wish to make telephone calls and surf the web! It comes with a built-in PepinsterTM chip that protects your children from all orthodox religious websites.

In each model there is installed a copy of the Tablet Bible, "Professor" Tina Beattie's monumental tome, The Mass - an occasion for dirty thoughts.

Of course you can also watch videos on your Tablet, and here is one we particularly recommend.

Wicked witch

A scene from the Wizard of Oz. The Wicked Witch reads out an evil incantation.

Men! Do second-rate journalists mock your hair? Come to Damiano's, the renowned hairdresser's and beauty parlour.


Damiano is waiting to give you a truly Catholic hairstyle.

Relax to the soothing sounds of Gladys Mills playing Bach's monumental The bad-tempered ferret, while Damiano (Il Barbiere di Notting Hill) gives you a haircut that nobody will dare to mock.

For the middle-aged client with too much hair, the "Boris" is now out of fashion, and Damiano recommends:

Michael Fabrication

The "Michael" Fabrication, a Damiano speciality.

While, for the older balding man looking for love, the "Andrew Neil" look is no longer recommended, and Damiano now suggests:

Silvio's spray-on hair

The "Silvio," as sprayed on by Damiano himself.

Advice on keeping your weight down is also available, while, for the ladies, Signora Cristina will soon be opening a special department dealing with beauty problems.


  1. Imagine what a Boris Voris would look like, you could carpet your boudoir with one I'm sure

  2. Dear Sir,

    Once again I was looking forward to your latest saved person´s blogue but find it scarcely rises above the pointlessness of the risible Damian Thompkins, who seems to have abandoned Catholicism in favour of independent right-wing moralising of an oddly UKIP flavour. Some ferret. Some haircut.

    Disgusted of Costa Tunbridge

    1. Ullo, bruvver Rabit, I was finkin of doin a donkey blogg, but wiv Anti Moly's pet possums instead of donkeys. Do you fink dat wuold be spiritaully nuorishin?

    2. Ello Ecclies,

      I don´t think possums would be quite so spiritaully nuorishin as donklings, becuse Our Lord did not ride into Jerusalem on a possum, nor did the Holy Family do their cheap Flight into Egypt on a possum, and as far as I can recall no possum was present with the ox in the stable during the traditional Nativity play.

      As the godly presence of a donkey at key moments of our hysterical faith is the main evidence, I think your possum idea will be as spiritaully nourishin as a spare prick at a wedding. But I´m not a theologian, so consult with Fr Finigan for a second opinion.

    3. Oh yeah ?

      omnia possum in eo qui me confortat

      Philippians 4:13

      I think a possum blog would therefore be omniously nuorishing spiritaully, and comforting too !!!

      You're just jealous, cos Eccles thunk of it before you did.

  3. "dum conderet urbem inferretque deo Latio-genus und Latinum Alanique patres "...
    surely this means that Cathlicks and Scots (albanique)are descended from ferrets! So perhaps, dere Eccles, you could do something on ferrets? Clearly they are even more hysterically important than possums.

    1. Is dey blood-crazed ferrets, bruvver Anon?

    2. They is washed in the blood of the Lamb, bruvver Eccles! All we savd pussons is!

  4. For hysterical accuracy I think the “Silvio” needs to be applied by a comely, scantily clad, Ruby-esque ragazza squilo – or three!

  5. Rubyesque? Do you mean by someone resembling the scullery maid in Upstars. downstairs? Or maybe Rabit's donkey?

  6. Jadis: No, the "Caso Ruby" still playing out in the Italian media (and parenthetically, the courts...), starring Silvio and a coterie of nubile nymphets.