Putting pressure on the Pope

When you run a very popular blog that is read by nearly four people, as I do and as Mike Lewis of Where Pacha Is does, you have to be careful what you write as you never know who will see it.

See the problem?

Every morning Pope Francis dips into Where Pacha Is to see what brilliant thing he should be doing that day. Maybe an aeroplane trip in order to announce some shiny new doctrine on same-sex climate change? Perhaps he expects another visit from Austen Ivereigh, who will be doing his Judy Garland impersonation, singing "We're off to see the Synod, the Wonderful Synod of Sin"? Or IS THERE A BISHOP HE SHOULD SACK?

Well, of course there are quite a few bishops who should be sacked, or, more precisely, put in a sack and dropped at the bottom of the ocean, but this a blog of love and kindness and we won't mention them by name. Until next time.

The pressure begins to tell on Pope Francis.

Usually, the Pope has no problems reading Where Pacha Is. Its main message is "Pope Francis is right on everything, even when he's wrong, and if he says something that contradicts previous popes, saints, etc. then they must have been wrong. Or, more precisely, since the Magisterium is constantly changing, they were right at the time, but definitely wrong now. He's also amazingly handsome and charming." But sometimes, WPI tries to predict how the Magisterium will develop, and Pope Francis cannot keep up.

Fortunately, a man of great influence and sensitivity like the Where Pacha Is supremo knows where to draw the line. Well done!

Pope Francis also takes advice on how to cook sausages.

New Commission to investigate Women Deacons

Pope Francis has created a new commission to study the possible ordination of women as deacons in the Catholic Church. As a service to our readers, we present a guide to some of the great minds who will be taking part in this Commission for Feminist Theology.

Dr Morgan le Fay - a veteran British theologian and lecturer on practical sexual studies.

The Foul Hag Sycorax - mother of Cardinal Caliban. Ms Sycorax is believed to have the largest collection of Pachamama statues outside the Vatican, most of which have spirits trapped inside them. Writing a biography of Austen Ivereigh.

Weird Sister One - a representative of the Blasted Heath Coven Convent. Intends to use "Eye of Newt, Toe of Frog" theology to bring in women deacons.

"Hail, Lady Macbeth, thou shalt be Pope hereafter!"

Dame Circe - an uncompromising feminist theologian from Greece who thinks that all men are pigs.

Prof. Minerva McGonagall - professor of Slightly Catholic Studies at Roehampton University.

Mother Grimm - part of the "cannibalism theology" wing of the Catholic Church. Worships in a gingerbread chapel. Holds a doctorate in Gelato Studies from the University of Villanova.

Mother Grimm's Gingerbread Chapel.

The Bride of Dracula - an aristocratic touch is brought to the commission by its inclusion of this Transylvanian Countess, who is believed to be a major stake-holder.

Mrs Black, also known as the Wicked Queen - the implacable enemy of Sister "Snow" White ever since a memorable debate at Notre Dame University.

Cackles evilly.

Jadis - a representative from the Anglican church. Author of the treatise, Was Aslan a woman?

The Wicked Witch of the West - widely believed to be transgendered. A close friend of Fr James Martin SJ.

Ms W.W.O.T. West promises to bring a "new broom" to the Catholic Church.

Church affected by Storm Frank

Storm Francis - or "Frank" to its friends - has now hit the UK, and is said to be having serious effects on certain churches.

The effects of Storm Frank

Said one traditionally-minded priest: "I had a large pile of orthodox teaching on my desk, and it's now all been blown away. What just blew in, in its place, is a load of rubbish about Jesus apologising to Mary for being left behind in the temple. It wouldn't even fool the children's Sunday School."

A liberal theologian flies past on her way to a Woman's Hour interview.

Fortunately, the Catholic Church has provided itself with some defence against the effects of Storm Frank. All its priests have been issued with a striking new protective costume, including wooden "hover-skis" which will enable them to rescue lost sheep from the deluge.

A priest on hover-skis rescues a poor one-eyed man from the floods.

So... batten down the hatches!

Bad hymns 19

Today the judges of the Eccles Bad Hymn Award are looking at another unusual hymn. This one is apparently recommended for use on the occasion of the death of a public figure - at least, by nine out of ten munchkins, the BBC, and also George "Respect" Galloway. It is Ding-Dong! The Witch Is Dead, and we are honoured to have the author, Edgar Yipsel Harburg, with us to discuss it.

I turned George Galloway into a toad and no-one noticed.

EYH: Just call me "Yip," Eccles.

E: Yup. Now, explain this hymn to me, as it's not one I've come across - although my friend Fr Arthur, a liberal priest in good standing, uses it at funerals occasionally if he feels that the deceased did not meet his high standards. Is it a bit like Ding-Dong, merrily on high?

EYH: Well, not really. In fact it originated in The Wizard of Oz, although like My Way it is sometimes chosen for funerals. At least, if the deceased was controversial in some circles.

E: Ding-Dong! The Witch is dead. Which old Witch? The Wicked Witch! Ding-Dong! The Wicked Witch is dead.

EYH: Music by Paul Inwood. Only joking... it was Harold Arlen.

E: It's too spiritual for Paul Inwood, Yip, take it from me. Now, I think I get your meaning here: we are all miserable sinners, but it is only proper to ring the passing-bell as we depart this world?

He went and told the sexton, and the sexton tolled the bell - Thomas Hood.

EYH: I hadn't thought of it that way, Eccles. You may prefer another hymn I wrote, about the promise of Heaven: Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high, there's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby.

Somewhere, over the rainbow...

E: Not sure where the rainbows fit into contemporary theology, but I expect that some people do sing that one at funerals. They probably also sing We're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz.

EYP: We're off to see the Wizard was sung at the funeral of Lloyd George, the so-called "Welsh Wizard." My father knew him.

The Welsh Wizard.

E: Well thanks, Yip, I'm still mystified about the context for this hymn: did George Galloway sing "Ding-Dong" at his mother's funeral? Will any other politicians get a state "Ding-Dong"?

EYH: Look, Eccles, can we forget this silly song?

E: How can we? Kevin Mayhew Limited want to put it in their new edition of Catholic hymns for the dangerously insane. Still, thanks for coming along, Yip. Your way home is easy - just follow the yellow brick road.

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Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.    I, the Lord of sea and sky.    Colours of day.    The red flag.
Go, the Mass is ended.    I watch the sunrise.    Bind us together, Lord.    Our god reigns.
My way.

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New Tablet Computer on sale

The perfect device for those who hate Catholicism but wish to make telephone calls and surf the web! It comes with a built-in Pepinster^TM chip that protects your children from all orthodox religious websites.

In each model there is installed a copy of the Tablet Bible, "Professor" Tina Beattie's monumental tome, The Mass - an occasion for dirty thoughts.

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A scene from the Wizard of Oz. The Wicked Witch reads out an evil incantation.

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Relax to the soothing sounds of Gladys Mills playing Bach's monumental The bad-tempered ferret, while Damiano (Il Barbiere di Notting Hill) gives you a haircut that nobody will dare to mock.

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