This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday 9 February 2013

Saint of the Week

St Damian

St Damian the Obscure.

A member of the order of St Custard, St Damian is another medieval saint about whom many astounding legends have grown up.

Damian is believed to have come from humble stock, his ancestors having been ferret-farmers near Reading. Damian himself was a learned man, and was sent to Oxenford to study for a degree in HHT (History, Hairdressing and Theology), the most prestigious degree offered at that time.

Father Sidney

Father Sidney James, Damian's tutor in theology and hairdressing.

In those days Damian was something of a lady's man, breaking the hearts of many virtuous maidens who came his way. However, he resolved to devote himself to God, and in particular the maintenance of traditional Catholic values.

Cristina Odone

Cristina Odone - after meeting Damian she devoted her life to good works.

At that time the Council of Trent was meeting, and Damian - a traditionalist who adhered to the Sarum Rite - was anxious to fight its modernist tendencies with all the powers at his disposal. Indeed, his polemics brought him to the attention of Cardinal Murphy, who attempted unsuccessfully to procure his excommunication.

Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor

Cardinal Murphy admits defeat.

In his later years, Damian took a less active part in church politics, although he maintained a pious and virtuous life; his contemporaries noted that he was a master of the German art of Schadenfreude, and that his enemies were invariably cast down. For example, the miraculous downfall of Christopher the Hun is generally attributed to the intervention of St Damian.

Chris Huhne

Conclusive proof that Christopher the Hun was not driving his chariot.

Damian's final years were spent in madness. Each week he sent out a deranged letter to his disciples, written in green ink, in which he discussed random topics such as cummerbunds, hairdressers and custard, but nobody could bear to read them. He eventually succumbed to a surfeit of cupcakes.

Prayer to St Damian: O blessed St Damian, who saved the Church in its hour of peril, intercede for us, that we may be blessed with a good head of hair, that we may avoid unseemly fatness, and that we may avoid all forms of addiction. Help us to write, as thou didst write, even when we have nothing to say. Amen.

15 comments:

  1. The petition to St Damian which, by its tone, is clearly from The Book of Common Prayer, has a typo, unless you are expressing the last line in patois.

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  2. It is said that in his latter days the saint cast out his supporters and was subject to attacks by demons in the form of socks, some, it is said, were in the form of a demi-human figure called pilevans. xx Jess

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    Replies
    1. Ah yes, Vilevans, currently posting as Fantasticfool on Fr Finigan's blog. The Claque's archivist has some juicy clippings to send any clerical blogger who is pestered by the West Gorton worm tongue.

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  3. ...Word Up Cocheece...blog be educatin..straight word...my sis done got her hairdressin dugree...she now stylin for all da baby phats in da hood...dat ET lookin gangsta with his homie..be ridin dirty wit da hoodie packin biscuit gettin geese from da POPO????...anyway keep up the prawyers..peace out..spirtwal cuzzes...

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  4. Lord help me. Now ive seen it all. Do lapins puppets never cease?

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    Replies
    1. ...Why u be playa hatin...u want fries wit dat beef homie???..why u tryin ta be bum rushin on my bidness...ise lookin fer prawyers...RESPECT!!..peaceout

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    2. Well, the world woudnt be the same without lapin and his puppets.

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    3. ...Young buck..i ain't bo-jookin or talkin no jazz...ise here ta learn...chillax Lysol!!!...why u go sweatin the technique???...young buck why u go callin up SQUALIE???...WORD...peace-out...

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    4. Bosco

      Krunk Dog is a troll. Ignore him.

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  5. I sacrificed my husband's second-best ferret to St Damain (the authentic spelling) when all my underwear went missing from my rotary drier, but he wrote back telling me to man up, and not do distract him from writing his weekly column about rough trade hobnobs

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    Replies
    1. phil will be jealous - not sure whether about the rough trade or the hobnobs xx Jess

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    2. He has abandoned Damian, having reduced his comment count by 70%, and is currently posing as a priest on the Catholic Herald site, and is making veiled threats to Fr Finigan.

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    3. Jadis:
      The reduction in the stats has been the long-overdue Claque block. Some things are more important than ratings.

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    4. Aaaaaargh! A snake! How did that get in, Eccles?

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