The Book of Covidicus 22: passports, please!

Continued from Chapter 21.

1. It came to pass that Carrie, the wife of Bo-sis, gave birth to a daughter, the sister of Wil-fred.

2. Thus fulfilling the words of the Lord unto Boris: I will multiply thy seed as the stars of the heaven, and as the sand which is upon the sea shore.

3. For the offspring of Bo-sis were now so numerous that he was no longer able to count them; although, according to the beautiful models of Neil, son of Fergus, he now had approximately twenty thousand children.

4. And Bo-sis called his daughter Romy, or Rho for short, as this was the name of the next variant of the plague to be expected.

5. But then there came a scandal that rocked Bri-tain to its foundations.

Bo-sis playeth a party game.

6. For it was revealed that one year earlier Bo-sis had spent the holy season in wild partying, while the rest of the country was reduced to tiers.

7. For it was written "In the lands of Tier 3, the people must not carouse. Indeed, they should not enjoy themselves at all."

8. So Bo-sis removed the paper hat from his head, the balloon tied to his suit, and the party whistle that shooteth out into the face of his neighbour, and said "I have never been to a party." But nobody believed him.

9. Thus he turned his attention to the great plague of Omicron, which slayeth not.

The Omicron plague refuseth to slay the people.

10. And there came unto him a messenger saying "Good news! A man hath died of Omicron! Well, in fact he was eaten by a camel, but he was heard to sneeze only ten days previously. The plague is now deadly."

11. So Bo-sis put down his cake, his party popper, and his party bag called "goodie", and spake out, saying "Time for Plan B".

12. And the people also spake out saying, "This meaneth the passports of vixen, which Bo-sis promised never to introduce! Can it be that our mighty leader hath been telling the pies that are porky?"

Note to foreign readers: Cockney Rhyming Slang - pork pies = lies. And now back to the story.

13. So Bo-sis held a mighty vote in the House of Common People, which was keenly fought.

Sajidiah the Bald backeth Bo-sis.

14. For Keir, Chief of the Labourites, spake out, saying "I am the leader of the Opposition, and therefore I support Bo-sis completely. Er, am I doing this right?"

15. But there came a great opposition to Plan B from Bo-sis's own tribe of Conservatites, even unto one hundred fold.

16. But still Plan B was passed, and the children of Bri-tain were told to be vaxed, to be tested, or to die from the deadly plague of camels Omicron.

Continued in Chapter 23.

The Book of Covidicus 19: Bosis's popularity waneth

Continued from Chapter 18.

1. Thus, after the children of Bri-tain were given their freedom, they passed forty days and forty nights enjoying the rain that droppeth from Heaven in the summer.

2. Or possibly fifty days and fifty nights, for all the days were alike.

3. The children of Bri-tain could now go out into the streets and the markets without masks, provided that they did not mind the occasional cries of "WEAR A MASK THOU FASCIST! THOU HAST KILLED MY FAMILY! MY LIFE AND HAPPINESS HAVE BEEN STOLEN!"

"Alas, this mask beareth no instructions."

4. Also, many had received the vixen that protecteth man from all diseases, and were therefore awarded the title of "first class citizen".

5. Those who refused the vixen, perhaps because they thought it was evil, or they thought it was useless, or they thought it was dangerous, became second-class citizens.

6. They were forced to carry a bell with them, which they rang, and to cry "UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!" as they walked through the streets feeding on scraps of rotten food.

7. Although Bo-sis had promised that there would be no preference given to those who had received the vixen, neither would there be passports that they could carry.

Criminals guilty of vax evasion.

8. Also, there was a shortage of people to drive the ox-carts on which food was delivered. Thus, there was no food in the markets (although it mostly seemed to affect those people who had voted to remain in EU-gypt).

9. Still, life was even worse in other lands. In the land of Australis, where men walk upon their heads, all the people were locked in their homes, and the officers of the law, like unto a roaring wallaby, walked about, seeking whom they might devour.

10. Even in the land of EU-gypt, where man could no longer feast on the leg of the snail and the frog, or possibly the other way round, the people suffered much. Many crossed the Red Sea in small boats, that they might come to the promised land of Bri-tain, which flowed with milk and honey (deliveries permitting).

11. Then Bo-sis had a new idea, that all the children of Bri-tain should be taxed (as well as vaxed).

12. For he said, "We must protect the National Health Service, that hath saved so many lives. For if thou sufferest from the plague, then all thou needst do is to call them, and they will tell thee how to make an Intensive Care Unit using a lawnmower and a bicycle pump in thy garden shed. For it is too dangerous for a doctor to see thee.

13. And now these people need our money, that they may appoint more managers, equality and diversity officers, and dancing coordinators.

Bo-sis prepareth to deliver "social care".

14. Also we shall see that no man payeth more than six-and-eighty gold pieces for care in his old age: for we shall kill him when the money is spent."

15. And the people began to mutter "Mayhap Keir, chief of the Labourites, is not much more useless than Bo-sis."

Continued in Chapter 20.

The Book of Covidicus 15: a new threat

Continued from Chapter 14.

1. So the weeks rolled on, and the children of Bri-tain received the magic vixen that promised immortality.

2. And they continued to wear masks, even when walking in the wilderness miles from any other life save the locusts, quails, and wild beasts.

3. Now Bo-sis consulted with a team of wise men known as SAGEs: these included experts in astrology, decolonized poetry, necromancy, non-binary algebra, voodoo, post-feminist transgender studies, civilised engineering, anti-racist sackbut-playing, wizardry, and comedy.

4. The last of these was Neil, son of Fergus, who had surrounded himself with beautiful models, all of which gave wrong answers when questioned.

The sages tell Bo-sis how to deal with the plague.

5. So, as the sages continued to deliberate, Bo-sis remembered his solemn promise to the children of Bri-tain, that he would not require them to carry papers, known as passports, to prove that they had received the vixen.

6. Thus he spake out one day, saying, "I have had a jolly good wheeze, chaps! Let us require you to carry papers, known as passports, to prove that you have received the vixen!"

7. But before any serious decision could be taken, Bo-sis was forced to launch an assault on the pool known as Hartley, which had been possessed by the Starmerites as long as anyone could remember. For this was the time known as by-election.

The famous Statue of Liberty at Hartley's Pool.

8. It came to pass that Hartley's pool fell to Bo-sis, and he rejoiced greatly. And the Starmerites wept, saying, "The workers of Hartley's pool are indeed different from our own people of Islington: for they are hewers of timber, and drawers of water, and they hardly ever kneel down in memory of the blessed Floyd."

9. However, the people of Islington rejoiced, for Genghis, known as Khan, was reappointed as supreme leader of the Londonites, following a massive support from the criminal community.

10. Now, the time was fast approaching when the third step of Bo-sis's road map should be reached. Thus, the children of Bri-tain could visit each other's dwellings once more.

11. Also, gatherings outside were permitted, with no more than thirty people allowed, unless they had come to tear down statues, loot the shops, or attack the guards known as policemen.

12. And the SAGEs issued instructions, explaining how the children of Bri-tain should hug each other: for it was so long since people had been permitted so to do that they had completely forgotten.

Two members of SAGE demonstrate the Sign of Peace.

13. But there now came a new threat from far India: for the plague had mutated into a new more fearsome disease, known as Vindaloo, which caused a fever, a burning of the tongue, and an acidic stomach. The only known remedy for this illness was to drink of the mighty potion known as lager.

14. And the children of Bri-tain were severely perturbed, as this was likely to delay the promised return to normal living, which was due a month thence: thus they would be unable to finish the Book of Covidicus and move on to the book of Numbskulls.

Continued in Chapter 16.