This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday, 17 July 2012

All churches closed by the Olympics

The Olympic Rings - used without permission

The London Organising Committee of the Olympic and Paralympic Games has written to Archbishops Vincent Nichols and Rowan Williams, as well as the leaders of many other churches, cults, and sects, to instruct them that if any religious services are held within the next month, they will be in breach of new laws designed to protect the Olympics and their sponsors.

Their representative, Mr Coca-Cola McDonald, explains:

"For the next few weeks, it will be against the law to read out certain texts from the Bible. Here are some examples of sentences that are clearly an attempt to cash in on our very exciting games:

Genesis 13:2: And Abram was very rich in possession of gold and silver.

2 Samuel 2:18: Now Asael was a most swift runner, like one of the roes that abide in the woods.

1 Corinthians 9:24: Know you not that they that run in the race, all run indeed, but one receiveth the prize?

We are trying to track down Messrs. Abram-alias-Abraham, Asael, and Saul-alias-Paul, with a view to making prosecutions. Meanwhile, we also have exclusive rights on the numbers '2012' and '12' so all references to the 'Twelve,' whether disciples or tribes of Israel, are out."

Here are some more examples of serious criminal offences, which will be punished by the courts.

Medal ceremony

A provocative parody of an Olympic medals ceremony (after the fencing finals)

Rowan Williams

Rowan Williams with an ethically-sourced Fairtrade wafer (illegal, as not provided by McDonald's)


The illegal wearing of medals in public

The cult of Dawkinsology is also affected by the new regulations, as its powerful slogan "It was all invented by Bronze Age goatherds" is seen as infringing the Olympics' copyright on the word "bronze." Archbishop Richard Dawkins has promised that from now on he will only scream "Iron age goatherds" when trying to arrest passing priests in the street.

Dawkins thinking deeply

Will I still be allowed to say "sky fairy?"


  1. My good friend Bellatrix tells me that the Olympics are run by Masonic lizards as a false flag operation designed to promote the New World Order, masterminded by international jewish financiers from their bunker under Denver Airport, where they are holding Pope Gregory XXIV hostage.

    There's no smoke without fire.

    1. Ah, dat would explane a lot. Apparently Bellatrix's farver lost an arm in the war, fighting for our freedom. Also, three legs, and a pair of giant rabit ears.