This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Sunday, 15 July 2012

Internet addiction and Monsignor Ban O'ffee

By Damian Thompson (no photo available)


What the Internet can do to you - an addict in January and July 2012

One of the problems we have at the Telegraph is an addiction to the Internet. As can be seen from the pictures above, in the space of a few months it can turn a glamorous young woman into a raddled old harridan whose natural home would be the Chamber of Horrors at Madame Tussaud's. Luckily, I have found a solution: by writing dozens of tedious blogs about addiction I have managed to cut the readership of my own blog down to a handful of die-hards. A few more well-placed insults should soon get rid of them as well.

Mgr Ban O'ffee

Mgr Ban O'ffee

Those who think that Paul Inwood's contribution to the musical and liturgical life of the Portsmouth diocese should be classed with Jack the Ripper's contribution to the night life of London are pleased that an arch-traditionalist, Monsignor Ban O'ffee, has been appointed as the new bishop. Mgr O'ffee is expected to ban all celebrations of the Mass in English, which he regards as a barbarous modern tongue.

Paul Inwood's own songs, of which the most famous are those deeply spiritual works:

The God on the bus goes round and round, all day long,

Pontius Pilate sat on a wall, Pontius Pilate had a great fall, and

Bread-of-life Bread-of-life Jesus, man, bake me some bread as fast as You can,

will certainly not be wasted, as they will be recycled as episcopal toilet-paper.

The Fix

Please buy this book, so that I can feed my addiction to CDs

Damian Thompson (under the pseudonym Sophie McKenzie) has written The Fix, a thrilling crime story. A stranger offers Damian cash to fix a football match. Will he do the right thing? This is a gripping football thriller, particularly suitable for struggling, reluctant and dyslexic teen readers (e.g. people who post on his blog under pseudonyms such as "phil_evans," "Markus River" and "Sanctimony").


  1. I find bus timetables to be FAR more interesting than The Fix.

    Particularly on those occasions when I want to find out when's the next one home !!!

  2. darling eccles, which of the two has the greater life-span in terms of public interest - bus timetables or 'The Fix' - and do both get categorised under 'fiction'? These and other question ain't bein asked by investigative journalists - woeful! xx Jess

    1. I was lookin at de bus timetables, as recommended by my freidn Damain, and it seems dat poeple is wrong when dey sings "De wheels on de bus goes round and round, all day long."

    2. darling eccles, according to Fr. Z (not sav'd) it is de nuns on the bus what goes round and round - they is tryly woeful! xx jess