This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Sunday, 14 April 2013

The Eccles Bible project

One of the problems about debating with atheists is that they don't seem to know what's in the Bible, and which bits are the most important.


Goliath - the tallest man in the Bible, but only the 709th most important.

Let us create an imaginary atheist called Richard. He reads the Book of Genesis, and spots a legend about a talking snake. "Aha!" he says. "The Bible consists of nothing but fairy stories."

Or perhaps he opens the Bible at the psalms, and spots that these are poetical, and could be sung. "Aha! The Bible consists of nothing but songs!" But then he tries to sing the immortal words Ozias begat Joatham; and Joatham begat Achaz; and Achaz begat Ezekias; and Ezekias begat Manasses; and Manasses begat Amon; and Amon begat Josias. What a bore! (Actually, you CAN sing those words, to the tune of "Dem Bones.")


Joatham - known mostly for his begetting.

Somewhere along the way, atheists get very excited and start talking about "bronze-age goatherds." Nobody knows why, but it is clearly a killer argument, the point being that in the bronze age people weren't as bright as those of us in the silicon age. Having computers and mobile phones made entirely of bronze, our herding ancestors didn't get round to inventing the internet, DNA, and lasagne, so they consoled themselves by inventing philosophy and theology instead. Losers, eh?

Invented by bronze-age goatherds

Suncream - invented by bronze-age goatherds.

The New Testament is a big stumbling-block to atheists, whose main conclusions are:

1. Jesus didn't exist.
2. He never said all the things attributed to Him. Nobody could have.
3. He didn't do miracles, as people just don't.
4. If He was crucified, it didn't kill him. It didn't hurt at 
all, really.
5. And after not dying, He stayed dead.
6. Really, He was just a very good person, like (choose as 
appropriate) Bertrand Russell, Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, 
Princess Diana or Eva Perón.
Bertrand Russell

Bertrand Russell - like God, only cleverer.

Look, dear atheists, I am not mocking you. When I was a child I thought like a child (we'll come back to this later). I would go into a classroom at school, and be handed a frog. What should I do with it?

1. Dissect it (Biology)?
2. Cook it and eat it (Domestic science)?
3. Shout "Voici une grenouille!" (French)?
4. Write a poem about it (English)?
5. Paint its portrait (Art)?
6. Throw it at the boy next door (Sport)?
Worried frog

"If you don't mind, I'd prefer options 3, 4 or 5."

Thus, we announce the start of the Eccles Bible Project, which little-by-little will take each book of the Bible in turn and explain it in simple terms. This will require me to do some reading too, especially when we get onto chaps like Habakkuk, who don't really deserve a whole book to themselves.

Noah's Ark

Coming soon - Genesis!


  1. looking forward to it! The Bible for the hard of understanding is right up my street!

  2. Marvellous project, eccles. Your Bruvver is telling my blogg readers that any one can understand de Bibble, now you is showing how :) xx Jess

  3. As a devout practicing Catholick I am looking forward to this. I have never read the Bible before just the works of Blessed Tina of BT

  4. Don't miss Genesis 9:20-25.It's one of my favourite Bible stories.

  5. Sigh! YOu is back! Now I can relax! Chloe xxxxx

  6. Dis should be good! I shall be waiting with bated…beated…bayted…er, holding my breath.

    I’m always intreeged by solar scriptoora. Though some say it’s pie in the sky, I thinks it’s all in the stars.

  7. Include ALL the old chestnuts , puurlease pretty please:
    ie Bildad the shoeheight , shortest OT chappie, etc.
    Will it be ultrareaders digested :Tobias: dad goes blind , mum gets pippy, boy meets angel, angel arranges girl, wags tail...etc

    1. Well a usual, I'll rely on my loyal readers to add any bad jokes dat I has forgotten.

  8. Eccles, I would like object in the strongest possible terms to your choice of image of the Ark. To include zebras and horses but to omit their fellow equines, donkeys, is not only the work of a shabby third-rate artist (prolly Rembrandt or some such loser), but also blatant donkism. Please hand back your Lobster Award.

    1. Aren't the donks, being clever, already inside? :) xx Jess

  9. Unimaginable - people who think God does not exist, I suppose it's the thought that counts.

  10. Eccles and St Bosco - thank you - you have saved my faith & restored my houpe

  11. Come on j-of-h Noah & the Ark staff didn't wear unicorns.