This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Wednesday, 4 December 2013

The bouncing pope

Pope Francis has revealed that he was once employed as a bouncer.

Pope Francis the bouncer

Pope Francis in his younger days.

The Holy Father worked in a variety of locations in his native Argentina. For example, as a very junior priest, he would say "Go, the Mass is ended" at the end of a service, and woe betide anyone who refused to leave promptly: they might find themselves leaving on all fours.

Later, as Cardinal Archbishop of Buenos Aires, Francis made it his particular concern to stand at the door of the cathedral as people went in for Mass. Once in a while he would block someone's entry with an "Oi! You! You're a self-absorbed promethean neopelagian! Beat it, before I beat it for you!" followed by a "Bless you" as the erring worshipper hurriedly beat a retreat.


Pelagius - had his teeth smashed in by Augustine of Hippo.

It is not commonly known, but many papal conclaves have concluded with trials of physical strength: it doesn't matter too much if a pope keeps confusing St Peter with St Paul - the names are very much alike - but it is necessary for him to be able to fight off rival contenders for the throne of St Paul. I mean Peter.

Pope and Cormac wrestling

Pope Francis wrestles Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor into submission.

Only orthodox fighting methods are allowed in the Vatican: for example the ancient art of Hans Kung Fu is regarded as heretical, as is hitting one's opponent in the face with a quiche (or Flannery, as it is called).

Cardinal Wrestling Club

Cardinals train regularly.

Meanwhile, Catholic priests are urged to keep themselves in peak physical condition: in particular, if anyone arrives at their church carrying a guitar, he should be firmly prevented from entering, as indeed should anyone who is dressed for liturgical dancing. You have been warned.

Wrestling with Romans

Bishop John Robinson represented the Anglicans against the Catholics in the 1970s.


  1. I believe Jacob wrestled with an Angel and lost; two Submissions and a Knock-Out.

    Would that have prevented him becoming a Cardinal ?

  2. Maybe Pope Francis is trying for the ‘Benedict Bounce’…?

    But how does an Argentinian gorila compare to a German Rausschmeiβer..?

  3. Hello and I'm not messing about so listen carefully or I will kick you.

    Catholic donkeys are not going to put up with any more dissing of this Pope. As far as we can see he is a Good Thing and he brays in all the right places, as well as not being an enthusiast of the modern stupid Franciscan writings of Sabatier and Jorgensen: norty protestants both.

    It would be very sad if people got the idea that St Francis was a simple man who was all about poverty and cuddly animals. That would support the whole plan of the Father of Lies in his reduction of the Franciscan message.

    The dream of St Francis meant the building up of the authority of the Church, not a stupid message about cuddly animals. Any fool can see that; even me, a cuddly animal.

    Morris donkey.