This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday, 3 September 2013

The Confessions of St Kieran

The scene: Coventry, 1961. Young Kieran Conry, age 10, has been taken to confess his sins to Fr O'Connor.

sinless Kieran

But I haven't committed any sins this week! Do I have to go to confession?

O'C: So, tell me what you've been doing, Kieran.

K (thinking furiously): Not much this week, Father. Well, I murdered my grandmother, burnt down my school, robbed a bank, and, er, made a golden calf and worshipped it.

golden calf

An everyday scene in Coventry.

O'C: Now, Kieran, these are made-up sins, aren't they? Your grandmother is sitting in the church at the moment, and I don't believe in any of the other sins you're claiming to have committed.

K: Well, I may have exaggerated slightly, Father.

Kieran gluttony

Another sin?

O'C: Well, let's think of some of the real sins you may have committed, my lad. Your teacher says that you keep talking in Latin lessons, and I noticed you in Mass, rolling your eyes and saying "Ugh! Why isn't this in English?"

K: I hate Latin, Father. Fr Basil Loftus says that we should throw it out, along with the Ten Commandments. He says that stone tablets are out and paper ones are in.

10 commandments

The Ten Commandments plays to an audience of empty cars.

O'C: You don't want to listen to an enfant terrible like Fr Loftus, Kieran. When he gets older he'll become much wiser. Er, maybe.

K: Can I go now?

O'C: No you cannot. Wasn't it you who wrote "THE POPE'S A SILLY BILLY" on the school bike-sheds? Also, your mother says you've been making some very dodgy friends. What's this CRACPOT club that you've joined?

K: Calling Rebels to Action Contrary to the Pope, Orthodoxy and Tradition? Just a gang of outlaws, Father. We like to question everything the Vatican tells us. You know Tina Elizabeth Bottie's only six, but she says she's going to be a priest when she grows up.

Tina Elizabeth Bottie

Ordain me, or I'll thcweam and thcweam and thcweam until I'm thick. I can, you know.

O'C: Well, drop these dodgy friends at once, Kieran, or I won't be able to grant you absolution.

K: See if I care! I'm going to be a bishop when I grow up. Then I can do what I like.

O'C: You a bishop? Ha ha ha ha ha!

Kieran confesses

Mea minima culpa!


  1. Darling eccles, is he the costume hollyman Bosco keeps going on about? #notasavedpusson xx Jess

  2. The NO Wreck Conciliation movement led by Cardinal Mantovani of Milan eventually stage-managed the election of a successor Cardinal WojAtilla The One who decreed universal salvation abolishing sin & Confession forever since we are all equal, brothers & free. Just follow your conscience and be nice.

  3. Lovely picture at the end of a bespectacled Darkins disguised as a balding presbyter.

  4. Obviously Kieran didn’t learn his Catechism very well.

    Or maybe it was an early edition Double Dutch Catechism…?

  5. Replies
    1. Oh dear. It appears Bp Conry is unfamiliar with the words of Our Saviour: 'Everyone who is angry with his brother shall be liable to judgement' (Mt 5:22). Perhaps less surprising is his unfamiliarity with the Catechism of the Catholic Church.

  6. Meanwhile, The Bitter Pill reports that Bp Conry seems to be peddling his own spin on Humae Vitae.

    1. Ooops... That should be Humanae Vitae.