This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday, 6 February 2016

More letters to the Catholic Herald

For an eclectic mix of lunacy and wisdom, there are few sources like the Catholic Herald letters page, so here are some recent highlights.

"Fun" before Mass.

Your idiot of a correspondent thinks that the bedlam in many Catholic churches before and after Mass can be justified because "God doesn't mind". So bad have things come that I was told off by a priest last week because my silent prayer was disturbing those who were trying to text, gossip, laugh and play games of darts. Apparently it was putting a damper on the occasion.

pub darts

Those sacred minutes before Mass starts.

Indeed, I was warned that kneeling down and looking solemn was definitely a "holier-than-thou" attitude, not welcome in the Church of St Daryl the Apostate. Apparently, Fr Phil is making lots of exciting innovations, including a side-chapel where money-changers may operate, plus the opportunity to buy doves symbolizing the Spirit of Vatican II. I don't know about you, but this makes me feel vaguely uncomfortable.

Pastor Juventus F.C.

Faithful Catholics love the EU.

Stands to reason, dunnit, guv? Ever since Pope Leo III crowned Charlemagne as Holy Roman Emperor in 800 A.D., and the new emperor used his powers to deal with the pressing problems of curved bananas and mislabelled prunes, it has been clear that pious Catholics must support ever-closer European union.

Over the years several good Catholics such as Napoléon Bonaparte and Adolf Hitler have tried to unify Europe, knowing that this was God's will. What's more, we should listen to the wise words of Pope Francis, which exhort us to believe in climate change, to give the Falkland Islands to Argentina, and to support the San Lorenzo football club. When popes make such statements it is a refreshing change from all the usual boring stuff about religion, and we should take their words seriously.

Pope and football shirt

"Supporters of other teams cannot be saved" says the Pope.

Yes, make no mistake, people who oppose having their laws made by corrupt, overpaid and unelected bureaucrats in Brussels are DAMNED. What's more, the Catholic Bishops' Conference in Mordor Square agrees with me!

Fr Cloud Cuckoo-Land.

Sack Ronnie Rolheiser!

Every week Ronald Rolheiser's column is entitled "The last word", but unfortunately he's always back again the following week. And he writes such drivel...


Ronald Rolheiser

The heart sinks (and what do Ron's hand gestures mean?)

And finally, a cheap shot from a Scots Nat.

Your correspondent writes, "In England we are preparing for a referendum on the EU." He didn't mention Scotland, and that proves that we nationalists won the independence vote. When we go to Heaven we shall feast on porridge and haggis, while praising God on the bagpipes. Och Aye!

Rabbi Burns.

bagpipe band

Praise the Lord upon the badly-tuned bagpipes!


  1. Money-changers in a side chapel? Westminster Abbey are thoughtfully organising a sale of Gucci handbags in the cloister to hold the loot.

  2. You say that Father Rolheiser writes drivel. This is not entirely true. He quite often mentions sex which, if I am not mistaken, is a very different subject. In fact in the Christmas edition he managed to get "sex" in the headline which, I suspect, may represent some kind of achievement.

    1. With respect, Patricius, I think one is mistaken.

      "Achievement" (that you mention) is, in fact, an Heraldic Device, such as "Hark, The Herald Angels Sing".

      You have, obviously, confused "The Herald Angels" with "The Catholic Herald".

      Why not discuss this theme (noisily, and ad nauseam) with all noise-makers, dart-players, and screech-makers, both before AND after Mass. See Eccles' excellent Article (above).

      Alternatively, suggest to The Parish Priest that a VERY LARGE SIGN be installed and hung from the Church's ceiling. On it (in Latin) would be the words "SILENCIUM".

  3. Dear Caflic Herd Editor,

    Further to Pastor Juventus' letter of last week, may I commend to you a relatively new practice in a local church* of having a constant soundtrack of 'hymns' (some with a distinct Country and Western slant) playing in those interminably boring hours when Mass is not taking place. At last, fans of 'Lord of the dance' etc have a reason to visit this church in mid-morning or afternoon rather than just to pray. I feel sure that if this inspired innovation was introduced to all churches, the muzak-loving faithful would come flocking back. You (and I) both know it makes sense!

    Pastor Sell-by

    * Parish Priest in this same church has also on at least one occasion said Mass minus his chasuble. I wonder if there's more of a connection other than merely his understandable desire to be slightly less encumbered when moving to the muzak?

  4. Pastor Iuventus thinks he's got problems>? It's not the ones that carry on like that before Mass that bother me, it's the ones that misbehave during. Whispering, giggling, wriggling, passing notes, noisily chewing gum - anyone would think they were in a modern cinema, not a church. Even their small children are embarrassed!

  5. Even Satan smokes in the NO churches these days.

  6. 'Fun before Mass' - Earlier this year I saw a lady engrossed in doing a newspaper crossword before Mass. At least she was silent!