This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Wednesday, 3 February 2016

Cardinal Wolsey claims success in Europe

London, 1529.

Ahead of the forthcoming referendum on whether the Church of England should remain part of the Catholic Church (a referendum in which only kings called Henry Tudor will be allowed to vote), prime minister Thomas Wolsey has returned from Europe claiming success in his negotiations.


"Call me Tom" Wolsey.

According to the negotiated settlement, King Henry will be allowed a quota of six wives, of which a maximum of two may be executed; most importantly, the first marriage may be annulled on the solid theological grounds that Henry is a lecherous slob. Caveat: these demands will be granted subject to a "red cardinal" system whereby they have to be approved by a majority of all the cardinals.

Other "English" demands will also be granted within a time-frame of at most 500 years (this is called "applying the emergency brake"). These include the right to conduct masses in English, with or without clowns and puppets, and to sing silly songs about Jesus shining and being Lord of the Dance. More extreme Anglican demands, such as the right to ordain women, are still rejected by the Catholic Church.

Giles Fraser

Thomas Cromwell, star of the Guardian's "Cromwell is free" pages.

The "leave Europe" campaign is currently being spearheaded by two theological giants, the blogger Cranmer and the very influential Thomas "Let's dissolve the churches" Cromwell.

It therefore seems unlikely that "Tom" Wolsey will be able to avoid defeat in the Reformation Referendum, and his future is now very uncertain.


  1. Speeking for myself (and I think I am unanimous in this) I’ve got no problems wiv the Catholick Church per se, but we all know these foreigners are pouring in at Dover because the monastick hospitality on offer here is far better than in Poland. Restricting access to immediate full pittance rations isn’t going to make any difference, Thomas Wolsey! Since the Minimum Alms Amount was set at two mouldy loaves per day weve had nothing but grief, innit? Best thing is, to dissolve the monastrys compleetely and then these pillgrims wouldn’t try to smuggle in here clinging to the underside of horse-and-carts, but no the Europeens wont have it, they want unrestricted charity from Day One well charity begins at home that’s what I say.

  2. I learned a new word the other day. I got it from Rorate Caeli in an article about the reason large crowds were staying away from the Pope's gatherings and enthusiasm about for this year of mercy. It is a German word and I had difficulty Googling it but in the end I got it.
    The word is Fremdscham
    According to my research it means Foreign Shame and it appears that this is roughly 'shame brought in by foreigners'
    Is this appropriate?