Clap the Church each week!

In these dangerous times everyone wants to thank the front-line troops - bishops, priests and deacons - who are protecting us against Damnation, sometimes at risk to their own souls. So at 8 p.m. every Thursday it has been agreed that we shall Clap the Church (not "give our clergy the clap", which means something else entirely).

A bishop, priest and deacon trying to save a soul.

With its catchy slogan "Save the Church by staying away," the campaign has thrilled the hearts of all our people. The Daily Mail has airlifted an aeroplane full of "PPE Equipment" - cassocks, chasubles, stoles, albs, you name it - from China, so that our "Boys in White" (or whatever liturgical colour it should be right now) can be properly equipped.

Admittedly, clapping is not the only activity that we have seen: some people have gone further, praising bishops with sound of trumpet, praising them with psaltery and harp, praising them with timbrel and choir, praising them with strings and organs, praising them on high sounding cymbals, and even - in extreme cases - praising them on cymbals of joy.

"Unclean! Unclean!" A poor sick man praises the Church with a bell.

It has been claimed that the campaign to "Save the Church by staying away" has been a little too successful: most of the buildings remain empty. The clergy are also often under-employed, and have been seen making TikTok videos in which they dance around the aisles - to the annoyance of many devout worshippers who think they should be at the "coal-face" of soul-saving.

A typical TikTok video.

Still, these are minor considerations, and all citizens are invited to be happy-clappy at 8 p.m. on Thursday. We shall be sending the police out onto the streets to make sure you participate - not-clapping is now a criminal offence, considered to be as serious as sitting on a park bench or sunbathing in a public place! You will obey!

All masses to be replaced by cartoons

After ticking off Catholics who object to church closures, sensitively labelling his flock as suffering from self-pity, Cardinal Vincent Nichols has announced the next stage in the transformation of the Catholic Church in England and Wales: from now on all livestreamed masses will be replaced by cartoons.

A new cartoon character, Vin the Red.

"There will be several advantages," explained his Eminence. "There is no need for social isolation of our clergy, as cartoon characters can approach each other without catching any illnesses. Also, we can show the cartoons over and over again, and edit them as we wish."

Cardinal Dolan, who recently whispered "I thought we were skipping these boring things" during a Mass, is anxious to adopt the same policy in New York, especially as he has himself long been regarded as a cartoon character.

"Dolans, meet the Dolans..."

It is clear that from now on churches will be competing to produce the most attractive cartoons. In the past, when the faithful had to get up and travel to a Mass, the choice was often rather limited. Now that we can dip into masses from Rome, London, New York, Paris, Beijing no not Beijing, the Amazon Jungle, ... whenever we wish, and sometimes switch from one to the other whenever we reach a "boring thing", the possibilities are endless.

Count Jimbo welcomes us to his Horror Mass.

Naturally, there is no need for the priests represented in the cartoons to be human. Many people prefer to watch lovable furry creatures like kittens, rabbits, or Cardinal Marx. We conclude with a scene from The Sign of Peace, where the animator may just have gone a little too far.

Fr Thomas prepares to say the Agnus Dei.

Thanks to cartoonize.net for some of the pictures. I won't say which.

Is the Extraordinary Pope under threat?

Could the Extraordinary Pope, which became valid after the 2013 motu proprio, Some Morose Pontifex, be under threat?

We have learned that a questionnaire has been sent out to the bishops by Cardinal Ladaria of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith , who is anxious to be informed as to the current application of the aforementioned document. There is some concern among Catholics that the Extraordinary Pope will be withdrawn, and we shall be left with the Ordinary Pope ("Emergency Pope" Benedict).

The Extraordinary Pope is sometimes badly attended.

Here are the questions being asked about the Extraordinary Pope:

1. Does the Extraordinary Pope satisfy a true pastoral need, or is he just promoted by a single priest?

2. In your opinion, are there positive and negative aspects of the use of the Extraordinary Pope?

3. Are the new doctrines established by the Extraordinary Pope generally respected? Please be polite.

4. Has your diocese adopted the customs and habits of the Extraordinary Pope? Was anyone arrested?

5. Which of the following EP documents have you read: Laudato Si', The Maltese Takeover, Amoris Laetitia, Scooby Dubia Dubia, Gaudete et Exsultate, Querida Amazonia, Pachamama for Beginners, Mother Earth Throws a Tantrum.

The Extraordinary Pope uses artifacts not seen in other forms of Catholic worship.

Obviously this issue is of great concern to all Catholics, and it is being seen as the first step in withdrawing the Extraordinary Pope entirely. We will keep you posted.

The true facts about the SSPX

I don't think I have ever blogged about the Society of St Pius X before, but there has been too much acrimonious debate about it recently, involving people like Field-Marshal Taylor, Lieutenant Steve Kojak, about sixteen people called Gordon - one of whom wants me to @askyourantimoli - and so on. Even Father Z has waded in, guns blazing.

A snapshot of Catholic Twitter.

Clearly everyone is waiting for me to give a ruling. Right, here goes.

SSPX is wonderful. Schismatic. The only true faith. A bunch of disobedient weirdos. The best hope for mankind. With invalid orders. Much better than the "ordinary" post-Vatican II Church. Unable to organize a decent clown Mass. But its priests are approved of by all Popes. Although not Pius X. Well of course not you numbskull he wasn't alive then. Condemned by all decent people. Perfectly able to conduct Masses and Confessions. Yeah but only in emergencies if you can't get a proper Jesuit. You're starting to annoy me, buster. Get lost and take your poncy Latin with you. Just watch it or you'll get a schism in the back of your head. Oh yeah you and whose army? BAM! POW! OUCH! YAROOH! BEAST!

Well, we seem to have reached a consensus there.

Meanwhile, the "liberal" wing of the Catholic Church continues to misbehave while nobody's watching. Recently, Blase Cupich, the World's Worst Cardinal, blessed a pantomime horse (well, it was billed as a Chinese 'lion-awakening' ritual, but we know that the pantomime season hadn't quite ended).

Hail to thee, O Pantomama!

Uncle Blase has also been a bit dismissive of the power of prayer. That could just be because he's been addressing the Chinese lion-god by mistake.

Now, when the SSPX wars are over, can we go back to smiting the real heretics?

"The pantomime Cardinal will be along soon."

The Book of Covidicus, Chapter 2

Continued from Chapter 1.

1. So as the plague continued to rage, Bo-sis, leader of the children of Bri-tain, formed a wondrous plan known as "Hurd Immunity".

2. This was named after the patriarch Douglas Hurd, who had reached the great age of four score and ten without falling sick.

3. And the plan was for every man to go out and cough upon his neighbour so that he should become immune.

"I do wish people would stop coughing at me."

4. However, many people started to fall sick, and there came a new decree, that all should stay at home.

5. Bo-sis spake out, saying, "Ye may leave your houses for one hour each day to exercise. Sixty minutes may ye walk, and run, and jump. Sixty-one minutes may ye not exercise, lest the guards that are called Fuzz throw ye into the deepest dungeon.

6. Neither may ye lie down in the green pastures, lest ye be nicked.

7. Ye may go to the market to buy all that is necessary for living, such as the rare perfumes of Haan'wash, the rolls of Tai'let, and perchance also something to eat.

8. Such as milk and honey, quails, and ready-sliced manna.

9. However, keep ye four cubits distant from your neighbour at all times, that the plague jump not upon you!"

"Ye are also counselled to wear masks for your protection."

10. Then Bo-sis forbade the gathering of the faithful to worship the Lord.

11. Instead they were counselled to go to the stream that is called Live, whereby they might see visions of the high priests worshipping without them.

12. Thus, in the hour of their death, although they might not enter Heaven, they would at least see a vision of it in the stream that is called Live.

Celebrating Versus Webcameram.

13. It was also forbidden to baptize babies, even in the stream that is called Live, or to forgive the sins of the evil-doer.

14. Thus for several weeks the children of Bri-tain did not sin, except perchance to go out for a walk of sixty-one minutes, or to approach one another at a distance of one inch less than four cubits.

15. For they knew that forgiveness would be denied them.

16. And every evening, at the eighth hour, the people opened their windows and clapped their hands.

17. For it is written: "O clap your hands, all ye nations: shout unto the Doctors, the Nurses, the Hospital Accountants, and their Equality and Diversity Officers, with the voice of Joy."

18. But then Bo-sis himself fell sick, and the people wailed, gnashed their teeth, and rent their garments, praying for his deliverance.

19. Except for a few trolls who said "Serve him right. Woe to us that the Corbynites do not rule over us. Or this new man, he that is called Starmer."

Dominic the Raabbi acteth while Bo-sis is sick.

20. However, Bo-sis recovered from his sickness, and with a mighty cry of "Cripes! That was a near thing!" he took up his bed and walked. But only for one hour.

Continued in Chapter 3.

You are old, Father Francis

For those who can't be bothered to wade through what is described - by Dr Austin Powers - as the most important interview since Scalfarius interviewed Jesus, we present a poetical version of that interview (with the preliminary remarks such as "Pleased to meet you, International Man of Mystery!" omitted).

Austen Ivereigh, international Man of Mystery.

"You are old, Father Francis," the small man said,
    "You never scold people, or grumble;
Now you live in a cupboard and feed on stale bread —
    What made you so awfully humble?"

"In my youth," Father Francis replied to the gnome,
    "Dictating was my wish and hope;
I've lived all my life as the saints did in Rome
    To get myself chosen as Pope."

"You are old," said the gnome, "and the faithful cry out,
    That you're known for your orthodox preaching;
Crystal-clear and profound, ruling out any doubt —
    What made you so expert at teaching?"

"In my youth," said the pope, grinning with nonchalance,
    "The Jesuits took me in hand;
I learned that no question has just one response —
    All answers are equally grand!"

"You are old," said the gnome, "and through synods you sit
    Praising dear Pachamama, our queen;
And yet fascists cry out it's against holy writ —
    How dare they all say it's obscene?"

"In my youth," said Pope Francis, "I trained as a priest,
    And learned that all faiths were the same,
Praising pagan religions, from greatest to least;
    So now why should I get the blame?"

"You are old," said the gnome, "and were hardly renowned
    For knowing the facts about China;
Yet you've made all their Catholics flee underground —
    Could any solution be finer?"

"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
    Said the pontiff; "don't give me such crap!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
    Be off, or I'll give you a slap!"

(With humble apologies to Lewis Carroll.)

New Commission to investigate Women Deacons

Pope Francis has created a new commission to study the possible ordination of women as deacons in the Catholic Church. As a service to our readers, we present a guide to some of the great minds who will be taking part in this Commission for Feminist Theology.

Dr Morgan le Fay - a veteran British theologian and lecturer on practical sexual studies.

The Foul Hag Sycorax - mother of Cardinal Caliban. Ms Sycorax is believed to have the largest collection of Pachamama statues outside the Vatican, most of which have spirits trapped inside them. Writing a biography of Austen Ivereigh.

Weird Sister One - a representative of the Blasted Heath Coven Convent. Intends to use "Eye of Newt, Toe of Frog" theology to bring in women deacons.

"Hail, Lady Macbeth, thou shalt be Pope hereafter!"

Dame Circe - an uncompromising feminist theologian from Greece who thinks that all men are pigs.

Prof. Minerva McGonagall - professor of Slightly Catholic Studies at Roehampton University.

Mother Grimm - part of the "cannibalism theology" wing of the Catholic Church. Worships in a gingerbread chapel. Holds a doctorate in Gelato Studies from the University of Villanova.

Mother Grimm's Gingerbread Chapel.

The Bride of Dracula - an aristocratic touch is brought to the commission by its inclusion of this Transylvanian Countess, who is believed to be a major stake-holder.

Mrs Black, also known as the Wicked Queen - the implacable enemy of Sister "Snow" White ever since a memorable debate at Notre Dame University.

Cackles evilly.

Jadis - a representative from the Anglican church. Author of the treatise, Was Aslan a woman?

The Wicked Witch of the West - widely believed to be transgendered. A close friend of Fr James Martin SJ.

Ms W.W.O.T. West promises to bring a "new broom" to the Catholic Church.

Pope Francis backs Eccles

In the past we have had one or two doubts ("Dubia") about Pope Francis, but yesterday he said something that only a truly saved person could have said.

A generous tweet from his holiness.

Reading between the lines, we all know what Francis was referring to, don't we? The wicked excomunication of poor Eccles from Twitter has finally come to the notice of Pope Francis as the worst miscarriage of justice since Peter Hitchens persuaded Queen Elizabeth I to slaughter a bunch of English martyrs, claiming that they had committed treason.

From now on, we're backing Francis 100%. Get lost, Burke! Shut up, Sarah! Play it again, Stephen Walford! Little Austen Ivereigh is my new best friend! In fact, going further back, all the previous popes were wrong and Francis is right!

A thumbs up from the big man!

There's still no explanation why Twitter suspended its most saved user (apart from Francis, of course), but now that the Vatican is parking its tanks on Jack's lawn, the end is surely in sight.

Cardinal Pell is back!

Haters of the Catholic Church were up in arms today, after the news that the High Court of Australia had unanimously quashed Cardinal Pell's conviction for crimes that were physically impossible.

Cardinal Pell walks free.

"It's a sad day for Australian justice, if judges are going to start looking at the evidence, rather than simply saying 'He's a Catholic, he must be guilty,'" said one critic.

Another was equally outspoken. "A principle of Australian law is that we recruit judges and juries from all walks of life - the insane, the drunk, the stupid, the bigoted, and the crooked. What is the world coming to if we allow the case to be decided by seven judges who can spot that witnesses are making up silly stories that don't even make sense?"

"We sentence Cardinal Pell to have custard poured down his trousers."

Said one of the original jury that convicted Cardinal Pell: "Durrrr, I talk to the trees, that's why they take me away..." Another added, "I'm a teapot, you know."

As Pell walked free today, he commented "Oh no, not again!" on being told that he was now under "lock down" to avoid the spread of the Coronavirus. However, in his new cell he can at least say Mass, and is allowed to pray without being interrupted with cries of "What do you think you're doing, cobber? Get off your knees, you 'orrible little man!"

Meanwhile, there is panic in the Vatican at the news that PELL IS BACK - AND HE'S ANGRY. As George Pell was finally prepared to sort out those Vatican finances, there were a rush to the computers to delete incriminating files, a bonfire of receipts and invoices, and sounds of Cardinals practising the magic phrase "The money was just resting in my account, ready to be moved on."

Pope Francis confuses the issue by writing a cheque on a cricket bat.

Late news: there will be an even better miracle this Sunday when Someone who was dead returns and causes severe embarrassment to the wicked. No spoilers!

Parlez-vous Ivereigh?

Following Dr Austen Ivereigh's courageous correction of Queen Elizabeth's use of, er, the Queen's English*, he is now working on a new phrase book explaining how we should all talk.

*Don't worry, Austen, you won't be sent to the Tower until the pandemic is over.

Oh, your Majesty, if only Austen had been there to advise you!

We are happy to present a few examples of Ivereigh-speak from the new phrase book.

English: Dictator.
Ivereigh: Wounded shepherd.

Example of usage: "Mussolini was a notorious wounded shepherd."

Wounded shepherd.

English: Convert.
Ivereigh: Neurotic.

Example: Greet my dear friend Epenetus, who was the first neurotic in the province of Asia. Romans 16:5.

St Epenetus the neurotic.

English: Traditional Catholic.
Ivereigh: Gay.

Example: Until the 1960s, all Catholic worship was gay.

Don't let Austen in - he's not gay!

English: Destroyer of idols.
Ivereigh: Fascist.

Example: When Moses approached the camp and saw the calf and the dancing, his anger burned and he turned into a fascist. Exodus 31: 19-20.

"Moses, you're a fascist!"

Pope Francis upset by "More tea, vicar?"

It has been reported that the 2020 Pontifical Yearbook, the Holy See's annual directory, has dropped the title of "Vicar of Christ" from its description of Jorge Mario Bergoglio, relegating it to a footnote - and we know from Amoris Laetitia that nobody trusts footnotes - as a "historical title".

More tea, vicar?

Francis has similarly lost some of his other titles:

* Boss-man of the Catholic Church;
* Mr Infallible;
* Grandmaster of the art of Papa-Slappa;
* The Big Cheese;
* Holiest Man in the World;
* Bouncer Bergoglio (from his days in Argentina);
* The Fat Controller;
* Mr Sunshine;
* Big Frank;
* Mother Nature's Favourite Son;
* Humblest Man in the Vatican 2013-2020;
* Santo Subito. 

It is said that Francis didn't like to be called "Vicar of Christ", as it sounded too much like "Vicar of Christchurch", which would make him an Anglican clergyman from New Zealand (or possibly Dorset), subsisting largely on cups of tea from grateful parishioners. However, it has always been a definite solecism to ask the Pope, "More tea, vicar?"

Choir Practice at St Ngaio's, Christchurch.

Just as it is bad manners to refer to someone by a pronoun xe doesn't want (Xe will be very offended), it is wrong to mis-title the Holy Father, Pope Francis, Deputy God (are we still allowed to use these titles?) So no more tactless references to "Christ" - they confuse him.

Sunday to become a monthly event

Following the news that the Catholic Herald is to become a monthly magazine rather than a weekly, the Catholic Church has announced that, from now on, Sunday will become a monthly event, rather than weekly.

Explained a Vatican spokesman, "We have also retranslated Exodus 20 (as we did for the Lord's Prayer), and the new version reads 29 or 30 days shalt thou sit at home sulking, or 27 or 28 if the month happeneth to be February, but the remaining day is the Sabbath of the Lord thy God. Now that people are locked down by the Coronavirus, it seemed insensitive to suggest that they were working. We have also removed the bit about manservants and maidservants, as only bishops have them these days."

"Hey guys, Mary Kenny is in the very first issue of the Catholic Herald!"

The reason for the Catholic Herald's switch to a monthly publication is not clear, except that it enables them to inflict less Ronald Rolheiser on readers who had really been asking for spiritual nourishment. Unfortunately, it also means a cut in words of wisdom from Fr Dominic Allain and Fr John Zuhlsdorf.

When the Coronavirus is simply a happy memory, the Catholic Church will continue to restrict itself to one Sunday a month. This is a change in the liturgical calendar that Annibale Bugsbunni and the other Vatican II pioneers could only dream of.

"We've won!"

The Sundays will be:

January 1st (Christmas);
February 1st (Candlemas);
March 1st (Ash Sunday) - Lent will be cut to 31 days (hoorah!);
April 1st (Easter);
May 1st (Tricost, formerly Pentecost);
June 1st (Ordinary Time);
July 1st (Very Ordinary Time);
August 1st (Summer Time and the Living is Easy);
September 1st (How much more of this is there Time);
October 1st (Phew, that's nearly over Time);
November 1st (All the unimportant Saints);
December 1st (Advent).

All liturgical colours will be changing too. Here is some inspiration.

The Vatican Congregation for the Rewriting of the Scriptures is currently working on a new translation of Genesis, which will prove that God took 30 days to create Heaven and Earth, not simply six. When challenged, Fr James Martin replied, "Well, YOU do it in six if you're so clever!"