Saved person of the year

Brother Eccles, an obscure religious blogger from England, today declared himself delighted with the news that Time magazine had nominated him as their Saved person of the year.

The cover of Time magazine.

In winning this award, Eccles had to overcome stiff competition from other nearly-as-saved persons, such as Pope Francis (a well-known Catholic), Father John Zuhlsdorf (author of Fac meam diem - a guide to liturgical shooting), and Michael Voris (famed for his catchphrase "Of course, I could be wrong...")

"These men are dangerous - especially the guy in the middle."

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In other news, it has been reported that a man seen on television worldwide, apparently communicating in sign language, was in fact hoaxing everyone, in that none of his gestures made the slightest sense. What was startling was that he had been allowed to carry on producing gibberish for so long without being challenged.

Pretending to pass on a serious message.

Directly-elected bishops

On the day when voters are rushing to the polling stations to elect their own police chiefs for the first time, it was announced today that from now on the Catholic Church would ensure that all future bishops were directly elected (as the American Catholic Countil recommends), rather than relying on a murky process involving the Pope, his Nuncio, and malicious gossip spread by well-known Catholic bloggers.

The Anglicans have had directly-elected bishops for some time.

Although for the time being all bishops will necessarily be male - a great disappointment to Prof. Tina Beattie, who had set her heart on a cosy diocese as a way of relaunching her career - the Catholic church is obliged by law to allow non-Catholics to stand for election.

We spoke to three people who are planning to throw their mitres into the ring, one from each of the largest political parties.

Boris Johnson, in cycling mitre.

Manifesto: Cripes! What Westminster needs is a go-ahead bishop who will build cycle paths in the Cathedral, in order to speed up the circulation of the jolly old customers. Then, in the longer term, we shall reduce congestion by moving Westminster Cathedral to a whizzo new island that we're building in the middle of the North Sea.

Religious opinions: Our new liturgy, beginning "What ho, God!" is guaranteed to get the Almighty's attention and give Him a friendly nudge towards smiting our enemies. Under my leadership, the Geiger counter of Catholomania will go zoink! off the scale, so put that in your pipe and smoke it, Romney!

Richard Dawkins, modelling the BBC-approved mitre.

Manifesto: The Catholic Church needs to rebrand itself as the Dawkins Foundation for Religion and Faith. At present it is too busy focusing on peripheral issues like God and morality, when it needs to be getting out there and preaching the Good News from my books. Science has solved all the problems of the Universe, and so we don't need any more scientists. Er, no, I'll have another go at that one...

Religious opinions: There's probably no God, but then again there may be, and I'm not being indecisive here. So I'm pretty much in touch with mainstream Liberal Catholic opinion on that one.

John Prescott, being measured for a bespoke XXXXXL mitre.

Manifesto: I may not be a pious Cathartic myself, but my friend Tony Blair certainly is, and he thinks it is important that New Labour should be at the heart of the Church. I see the job of a Bishop as one of derogation - so I shall sit in my pew mediocritating, while someone else does the work.

Religious opinions: The Bible is far too complicated for the average bishop in the street to understand, but "Give us this day our daily pies," or whatever the exact wording is, seems to be something I can relate to.

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 15

Continued from Chapter 14

1. So it came to pass that the children of Am-eri-ca waited, while Richard decided how they should vote.

2. But meanwhile, there came a learned philosopher unto Richard, whose name was Grayling, and he spake unto him thus:

3. "Lo! I have decided to found a new university, which shall be called the New College of the Humanities, that we may educate the young and tell them that there is no god but Dawkins."

4. "And we are in need of a distinguished professor of evolutionary biology and science literacy, preferably one who is an atheist and a celebrity."

5. "And we are hoping to recruit other young men of great intellect such as Lord Prescott and Sir Michael Jagger, who will really be able to engage with the youth of today."

Professor Sir Michael Jagger.

6. And Richard gladly accepted the offer, saying, "Lo! I shall give them my famous lecture course on 'The Godless chicken'."

7. So the New College of the Humanities prospered greatly, and Richard travelled regularly down to London to educate the young and impressionable.

The prestigious premises housing the New College of the Humanities.

8. But the children of Am-eri-ca cried out again, saying, "Tell us, O Richard, how we must vote."

9. And Richard pondered saying, "On the one hand there is O-bam-a, he who claimeth to be a pious Christian. For he was a member of the Trinity United Church of Christ, and hearkened unto the words of Jeremiah Wright."

10. "It was Pastor Wright who wrote that brilliant book, Only black people is saved. But now that he has been found out, O-bam-a has renounced Pastor Wright, and I think we may now claim him as an atheist."

A well-attended C. of D. service. Can you spot the saved person?

11. "On the other hand, there is Rom-ney, he who is a Mormon, but hath just one wife. And although I myself have shared my house with three wives and numerous chickens, I cannot accept the Mormon faith."

12. But the disciples spake unto Richard, saying, "But what sayest thou of Joseph Biden, he who is the President of Vice. Is he not a pious Catholic?"

13. "For Joseph saith: 'I give thanks that I am not as the rest of men. I fast twice in a week: I give tithes of all that I possess. In fact, if I believed in God, I would be a model Catholic.'"

14. And Richard spake, saying, "No problem. I think we can count Joseph as a paid-up atheist as well."

15. And so the world waited. Would Richard - he who had raised an obscure skiing instructor called Nick Clegg to a place at Dave's right hand - perform a second miracle, and raise O-bam-a to the glory of a second term?

It is true that Nick Clegg was once a skiing instructor.

Continued in Chapter 16.

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 14

Continued from Chapter 13

1. Now it came to pass that Richard decided that the world needed to hear his views on politics.

A proposal for constitutional change.

2. And Richard bade the Queen to retire, that she be replaced by a president; for he said unto himself, "Perchance the British people will wish to elect an expert on chickens, genes and memes, with a First Lady from Gallifrey."

3. But the Queen hardened her heart, and refused to go. And Richard wept.

4. Then in the tenth year of the millennium, Richard spake unto the world saying "I agree with Nick," which is to say, "Vote ye not for the very rich man called Ca-me-ron, neither for the poor man called Brown, whose insanity is legendary. Nay, vote ye for the one called Clegg, he that is called woeful."

5. Now Clegg was a man of great virtue, for it was said that he had slept with fewer than 30 women.

Clegg (left) faileth to sleep with a thirty-first woman.

6. Moreover, Clegg said in his heart "There is no God."

7. Indeed Clegg was inclined to say that "by God" was written "bigot," although he spake not these words when his wife was in the room and armed with the wooden pin that rolleth. For it smiteth as well.

Richard Dawkins, agreeing with Nick.

8. And Lo! the first miracle of St Richard came to pass. For Nick, a man with no visible talents, was exalted greatly, and became the second minister of the land.

9. And Nick said to himself, "I am now a man set under authority, having under me many men, and I say unto one, 'Go,' and he goeth; well, in fact he replieth 'Get lost, for it is not official party policy,' but at least in theory he might go some time."

10. Then, following the miraculous elevation of Nick, Richard spake out again, saying, "Faith schools are a menace." And the high priests and scholars were sore afraid, saying "What meaneth the old fool now?"

Voodoo - as taught in all faith schools.

11. For, Richard argued, it is wrong to teach any religious views to a poor innocent child, unless they have been approved by the Dawkins Foundation for Reason and Science.

12. But the world mocked Richard for his foolishness. Thus proving the truth of the old adage, "Even saints can have off days."

13. Now a mighty conflict was brewing in the West, between two pious and religious men, named Obama and Romney.

14. And Richard's heart was torn. For Obama was a devout Christian, who attended church on the 29th day of February each year. And Romney was a latter-day saint, which is even better than an ordinary saint. And neither worshipped at the Dawkins Foundation for Reason and Science.

15. So the land of America waited eagerly to see which way Richard would tell them to vote.

Your future lies in the hands of an Oxford zoologist.

Continued in Chapter 15.

Let's all be pilgrims

For an imaginative holiday this autumn, why not become a pilgrim? No religious beliefs are necessary, as we highlight some of the excursions on offer.

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St Daryl's offers a liberal pilgrimage for those who don't think Vatican II went far enough.

Who is leading the pilgrimage? Hey, we don't have leaders as such; however, Fr Arthur will be at the front, walking backwards so that he can face the congregation at all times.

Where are we going? This is a bit of a mystery - we rather hope that Fr Arthur doesn't lead us over a cliff. But, hey, it doesn't matter where we're going, or even if we all go to the same place. There's no such thing as a sacred site in the 21st century.

Is everyone welcome? Of course. We will particularly welcome atheists, Muslims and Buddhists, who are currently under-represented in the modern Catholic church.

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The arms of New College, Oxford (the motto is being corrected to "Genes Makyth Man").

The Foundation Church of Dawkins offers a Dawkins-themed pilgrimage to the sacred places associated with Dawkins.

Visit the grave of Chrissie the chicken, about which Richard wrote a Ph.D. thesis! See the shop of the blind watchmaker who broke Richard's watch! Visit Marks and Spencer, where Dawkins buys his selfish jeans! Ride in a bus bearing the Dawkins message: "God is probably not riding on this bus!" See the police station to which Richard would have taken the Pope, if he had been allowed to arrest him!

Visit BBC Quarry Number 1, where the future Mrs Dawkins filmed many adventures

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Mormons! Come and see the sacred places visited by the Angel Mitromni!

Yes, until the year 2012, British Mormons felt left out: the keystone of the Mormon faith was that God's final message to mankind was delivered in America. But then the Angel Mitromni came to England, and now British Mormonism is flourishing!

The Angel Mitromni

Visit the holy city of London, where the Angel Mitromni spake unto Boris, saying, "How pathetic are thy Olympics!" See the Temple of Miliband, at which Mitromni spake unto Ed, saying "Nice to meet you, David. What do you do, exactly?"

The sacred plates (now washed) on which the Angel Mitromni's lunch was served

The Angel Mitromni's words have been transcribed in the Book of Gaffes, a work sacred to all British Mormons.